Bitter Sweet

The defintion of Bittersweet is the experience of both pleasure and pain simultaneously. Our family is made up of many "bittersweet" moments.

It is bittersweet that my son experiences things he should never have to, yet because he does, he touches many lives around him.

It is bittersweet that my husband is gone all the time, yet he has a job that pays well enough that I can stay home with our children.

It is bittersweet that my baby is going to attend school all day next school year, and I will be left alone. Yet she will make friends, and I will embark on the next adventure in store for me.

It is bittersweet that all my little ones are growing up. It's exciting, yet I so miss their "baby-ness".

As the end of this week approaches, bittersweet will be the theme again.

A few months ago, I signed the kids up to go to a camp. We leave on Thursday. Because Emma isn't quite old enough, she will be doing the "grandparent tour" going from my mother-in-law to my parents, and spending a day with my grandparents too.

But the other 2 are going to camp. We drop them off, in Missouri, on Friday morning and go back to get them the following Thursday.

Camp Barnabas is a Christian camp for kids with special needs and each week is devoted to a certain type of disability or cancer or other specific type of need. Two weeks out of the summer are selected for kids with cognitive disabilities AND their siblings.

So Bella and Anthony are going to camp.

They will swim, ride horses, do crafts, have themed costume parties, archery, rappelling, nature walks and rope courses and a ton of other things. They will sleep in air-conditioned cabins with their CIA's. There is a doctor and nursing staff on grounds 24/7 and they've seen and done it all.

So when I called today to make sure we were all in order, it started to hit. I cried to some lovely woman named Emily who reassured me through my tears and motherly worries, that Anthony will have fun. That the pool is at 0 depth so that he can get in gradually, that his CIA will be with him all week and that they have picture systems in place to help him know what will be coming next. I talked to her about how he will say no to everything, but that they need to keep trying to get him to do things, and she sounded as though they've dealt with so much more. I got off the phone and realized that the two things I was so worried about, were going to be fine. He really will be cared for, and he really will have fun.

But do you know what that means??

I can relax.

I haven't relaxed for 12 years.

I don't even know how to do that.

I haven't a clue how to walk away from him in the highly experienced, trained and qualified care of someone else. All I can do is cry. I can't tell if it's the experience for him that is so exciting for me, or the weight off my shoulders that is creating the waterfall I can barely see through right now. The comfort of knowing he will be understood, that his sister will be there to help, but she might not even need to. That he will make friends. That he will do things that he never has. That he will grow so much through this experience.

Do you know what CIA means? Christians In Action. How great is that? Most of these volunteers and the paid counselors have been campers themselves! They go through major training and really are equipped for my son.

I pray that they really will comfort him and that HE will relax and enjoy himself. And I pray that Bella will have as much fun as she seems so very excited to have. I worry so much less for her. There will be horses there, she will have a blast!

Driving away will be soo very bitter.

But the sweet part?

There are many of those too. Besides the kids having more activities and things to do to keep up with, my dear husband and I will be together.

Just us for 7 days. Seriously??!!!

I will get to be with the man who really does think I am talented, who really does think I'm beautiful and with all the things we could do or see between here and Missouri, really just wants to just see me. I miss him so very much.

Although he does work, he is there constantly and works so hard for us. I respect him so much for it. I know it's killing him, but he does it for us. He doesn't like anymore than I do. He leaves by 8 or 9 and doesn't come home until 11 at night every day. He had four days off in June and 2 so far in July. And I really just miss him. I really just want to look across the room and see him! I feel so blessed to get this time with him, a little guilty that the kids won't get this time with him too, but, wow, I feel so grateful.

Our honeymoon wasn't even this long. We only know that we are driving to a free condo up in Lutsen for 4 of the days. (I know, crazy, but economically, we really are saving $$) Besides, crazy works for us. We got married almost 14 years ago after dating for 2 months.

So, we'll hike, see Lake Superior, go on a canoe tour, picnic. Anything! There is only sleep and one other thing on the agenda for the week, ;). After that, it's just icing on the cake!

And then we will go get our babies and go back to the real world.

Bittersweet.