Bitter Sweet

The defintion of Bittersweet is the experience of both pleasure and pain simultaneously. Our family is made up of many "bittersweet" moments.

It is bittersweet that my son experiences things he should never have to, yet because he does, he touches many lives around him.

It is bittersweet that my husband is gone all the time, yet he has a job that pays well enough that I can stay home with our children.

It is bittersweet that my baby is going to attend school all day next school year, and I will be left alone. Yet she will make friends, and I will embark on the next adventure in store for me.

It is bittersweet that all my little ones are growing up. It's exciting, yet I so miss their "baby-ness".

As the end of this week approaches, bittersweet will be the theme again.

A few months ago, I signed the kids up to go to a camp. We leave on Thursday. Because Emma isn't quite old enough, she will be doing the "grandparent tour" going from my mother-in-law to my parents, and spending a day with my grandparents too.

But the other 2 are going to camp. We drop them off, in Missouri, on Friday morning and go back to get them the following Thursday.

Camp Barnabas is a Christian camp for kids with special needs and each week is devoted to a certain type of disability or cancer or other specific type of need. Two weeks out of the summer are selected for kids with cognitive disabilities AND their siblings.

So Bella and Anthony are going to camp.

They will swim, ride horses, do crafts, have themed costume parties, archery, rappelling, nature walks and rope courses and a ton of other things. They will sleep in air-conditioned cabins with their CIA's. There is a doctor and nursing staff on grounds 24/7 and they've seen and done it all.

So when I called today to make sure we were all in order, it started to hit. I cried to some lovely woman named Emily who reassured me through my tears and motherly worries, that Anthony will have fun. That the pool is at 0 depth so that he can get in gradually, that his CIA will be with him all week and that they have picture systems in place to help him know what will be coming next. I talked to her about how he will say no to everything, but that they need to keep trying to get him to do things, and she sounded as though they've dealt with so much more. I got off the phone and realized that the two things I was so worried about, were going to be fine. He really will be cared for, and he really will have fun.

But do you know what that means??

I can relax.

I haven't relaxed for 12 years.

I don't even know how to do that.

I haven't a clue how to walk away from him in the highly experienced, trained and qualified care of someone else. All I can do is cry. I can't tell if it's the experience for him that is so exciting for me, or the weight off my shoulders that is creating the waterfall I can barely see through right now. The comfort of knowing he will be understood, that his sister will be there to help, but she might not even need to. That he will make friends. That he will do things that he never has. That he will grow so much through this experience.

Do you know what CIA means? Christians In Action. How great is that? Most of these volunteers and the paid counselors have been campers themselves! They go through major training and really are equipped for my son.

I pray that they really will comfort him and that HE will relax and enjoy himself. And I pray that Bella will have as much fun as she seems so very excited to have. I worry so much less for her. There will be horses there, she will have a blast!

Driving away will be soo very bitter.

But the sweet part?

There are many of those too. Besides the kids having more activities and things to do to keep up with, my dear husband and I will be together.

Just us for 7 days. Seriously??!!!

I will get to be with the man who really does think I am talented, who really does think I'm beautiful and with all the things we could do or see between here and Missouri, really just wants to just see me. I miss him so very much.

Although he does work, he is there constantly and works so hard for us. I respect him so much for it. I know it's killing him, but he does it for us. He doesn't like anymore than I do. He leaves by 8 or 9 and doesn't come home until 11 at night every day. He had four days off in June and 2 so far in July. And I really just miss him. I really just want to look across the room and see him! I feel so blessed to get this time with him, a little guilty that the kids won't get this time with him too, but, wow, I feel so grateful.

Our honeymoon wasn't even this long. We only know that we are driving to a free condo up in Lutsen for 4 of the days. (I know, crazy, but economically, we really are saving $$) Besides, crazy works for us. We got married almost 14 years ago after dating for 2 months.

So, we'll hike, see Lake Superior, go on a canoe tour, picnic. Anything! There is only sleep and one other thing on the agenda for the week, ;). After that, it's just icing on the cake!

And then we will go get our babies and go back to the real world.

Bittersweet.

Two for One Special

It started out as "Happy hour". The kids were playing with the neighbor kids, having a grand time. I believe "Horsie" was the name of the game. Emma was the rider, Tyler was the horse. It must have been a rodeo, but I don't think Emma made it the 8 seconds.

I was putting away the laundry when I heard Bella and the neighbor kids run in and begin yelling for me. They were all so excited and speaking at once as I came down the stairs to see what all the fuss was about. All I could make out was "Emma, blood, tooth, and a lot of blood". I followed them over to the neighbors and there was Emma was in the care of their dear grandmother who watches over them.

They weren't kidding about the blood. There was a LOT of it. We've lost a lot of teeth in this house with three kids, but this was the most I've ever seen. Sure enough, there it was, the top front tooth, been loose for months. We were all so happy and full of yells and excitement congratulating her.

But then Edna says, that other one is about to go too. As we all calmed ourselves to see, it got very quiet. We could have heard a pin drop while we watched her wiggle it with her tongue, but instead we heard "it". We actually heard it grinding. Ugh. I tried, to no avail to yank it out, so Edna got it. Poor little Emma, her eyes were so big, but her face was so scared, and she was so quiet. So here she is, now two teeth gone, and bleeding all over the place, and she goes over and hugs Tyler for helping her get her teeth out. Tyler's head is okay, but she'll need to wash her hair.

So here is little sunshine, all cleaned up and toothless.

The neighbor boy Carson and her play FBI Agent almost every day. So, since Miss Emma was such a sport, went through such trama (boy, are her gums bruised too), and lost TWO teeth. She and her partner will have fun with the walkie talkies the tooth fairy will deliver tonight.

A-Haa - Moment

I had a "a-haa" moment today.

For tax purposes I had to add up all my out of pocket expenses and mileage for

Doctor appointments for the family.

We drove 1908 miles last year for a total of 99 appointments.

That is an average of 8 appointments a month.

Now I know why I feel like I am always running around.

A-HAA!

All the Best Things Come in Small Packages

So, it's been a week in the new townhouse. And as it turns out... I think we really like it. We might even love it.

As I said in previous posts, it is small. God has provided for what we need, and there isn't an inch left for anything more than that. And there have already been some real neat surprises that we have been blessed with.

Here's a top 10.

10. The kids are learning to clean up more, because if they take out one thing, it's a mess already, so they have to put the first thing away to play with the next.

9. Bella is learning to use the internet and research places to play this summer and things to do, since we don't have a yard here, we're going to play in MN's backyard. So far on the list is Stillwater, Taylors Falls, Duluth, Mankato, Cannon Falls, and many state parks and local playgrounds.

8. The close quarters is beginning to show as the bickering with the girls has begun to increase. However, they are learning to get along, work through their differences, and pick their battles.

7. Cleaning this place is a snap. Outside of the all the boxes and furniture in the garage haunting me, I am actually finding that I have time for things like card games, baking cookies, reading stories, and taking walks. I think there's a word for this - Relaxing? Yeah, I think that's it.

6. Laundry! They have the washer and dryer in the closet right next to our rooms. We have no room for the laundry to pile up, so it gets done. And there's no space to leave baskets that tower with clean clothes to dig through. Things are actually going in the drawers! And as I put things away, I am discovering how much I will save this year on clothes, because now that they are all where they go... turns out they all have plenty of clothes!

5. We all "just fit". And it feels like it fits like a glove.

4. We have a gas fireplace that warms the whole place, the space, and our hearts as we read stories next to it before bed.

3. There's just enough space for the kids to shoot some baskets on our over the door basketball hoop upstairs. I am listening to them all laugh as I write this.

2. The master bath has a tub with jets, everyone loves it. Anthony calls it the "car wash" bath.

1. We are all interacting more!!! The kids are playing more together, Anthony is less isolated, and learning more social skills. The girls and I are having more little talks while I do laundry and they play in the hall with their legos, or horses, or whatever. shaun and I are also spending more time together, having breakfasts, lunches, and evenings holding hands on our little couch. He used to use a seperate bathroom to get ready in the morning, but I have to say, I love that we share one again. It's fun to talk and laugh together before the kids get up. Plus, I can tell him in the morning all those thoughts I used to keep him up with at night.

I know it helps to know that this arrangement is only temporary. It won't be forever. And right now, it's kind of exciting to think about choosing our next home. Location, yard, privacy and size. Our dream is a home in the woods, and now we hope that it's small too. Not this small, but small. Like that country song, "love grows best in small houses".

Boy, does it ever.

Still here

Hey there everyone.

To those who have cared enough to check in and are wondering where I am, and why I am not writing, or facebooking, or if I am still kickin'.

Well, it is very late right now, so I will post again soon a more complete update.

But I am still here, going through some very difficult things, but am still here. Thanks so much for asking, and for caring.

As for facebooking - I quit.
One of my new year's resolutions I guess. Working on more face to face friendships instead.
Accomplished the no face book thing, but I suppose from recent inquiries, I am not getting enough face time in.

Will write soon.

God bless.

Will these ever go well?

I have a full-time job with my little guy.

I came home today to a packet to fill out for Anthony's appointment next month. We are going to the Gait Lab in St. Paul and apparently they would like to see if their already 6-inch file on him can fit just a little bit more. I have 15 pages to fill out. That shouldn't take long, I have nothing else to do, right? Ugh.

And then I had to take him in for a "well-child" visit. Well, my child's visit wasn't very fun.

I was about 4 months over due for it, and it showed. He has grown so much. Over the past year he has put on close to 10 lbs. and almost 4 inches. ?????? What????? Whoa!!!!!

He has also hit puberty. This is interesting territory for this mom. Barely moving out of potty training and right into needing to have the girls wait in the lobby so he can have privacy for his appointment. I couldn't believe I was discussing acne, shaving and deorderant. I just ordered him underwear for Christmas!!

He was quite a little man. Totally knew the drill. Went right to the scale, took off his shoes, got weighed, walked over to be measured, held out his arm for the blood pressure. Sometimes I wonder how this could be the same little boy who I held screaming for these things. Whose blood pressure was through the roof, if they got it, from all the stress. Now, he was like a pro. He even wanted to tell the doctor about himself and answer the questions she was asking me -- sooo precious. ( I translated as best as I could, he sure had a lot to tell her!)

He did all she asked of him so well, like a champ.

And then she reveals the bad news - he needs his blood drawn. UGGHHH!
I HATE these.
As she left the room, I reminded her - "bring your friends".

He totally thought he was done. He completely cooperated with everything she told him to do. He was ready to go.

And then they came. Four women, one with "the bucket". You know, the one with all the band-aids, test tubes, and alcohol swabs she could ever need. Who cares that she had on a stupid Santa Hat! Anthony saw that damn thing and bolted. This is NOT a dumb child! He knows that drill too, we both do - and it totally sucks.

He signed over and over - "scared, scared". But we had to do it anyway.

Now I will remind you - he is 4 feet 4 inches and 83 lbs.

We got him on the table and 4 of us held him down while Santa hat lady stuck him. (Curious side note - the fuzz on her hat was black, not white. It was like the grim reaper santa hat - what the hell is that?)

Anyway, she stuck him and then my little contortionist moved. Shit! The needle came out. And we had to do the other arm.
I hate when we have to do it twice.

Here's the funniest part - if there is such a thing. They said he had great veins. They ACTUALLY said that. This child has been told since birth that he has terrible veins. They roll, they're too tiny, they can't find them (that was my favorite - like he didn't have them or something.) But here they were actually telling me he had wonderful veins. They even used that word - wonderful. I'm not positive, but I am pretty sure I laughed out loud at that.

I also love how he can suprise those nurses. They all come in like they have all done this a million times (which I don't doubt), but they have this confident arrogance that "they got this kid's number". And he ALWAYS puts them in their place. The one nurse went on and on at how he did stuff with his arm she could have never prepared herself for, which is why the needle came out. I told them it was going to be very tough. When will they ever listen to me?

Finally he was done, they got enough blood and he was done. He hugged the nurse, and the doctor when he was done. I loved that. There's quite the forgiving heart, don't you think? Could you imagine hugging the people that stabbed you and the one who ordered it to be done? I think he was just so grateful they stopped.

I love this kid.


We have to do this every six months.

When he was a baby I couldn't even try to imagine the day he would ever be 40 lbs. Now he is twice that. And today I can't fathom the idea of a bunch of nurses and a mom holding down a 15 year old young man. Will this ever get easier?

Well, I guess that could be reason #238 to get myself in shape.

Trick or Treat

So - here is a crew.

My little Fireman, 2nd year in a row.

Gotta love it. Not sure what we will do next year. We'll have to get creative. The stuff he really likes, they don't make in his size anymore.

Our little Butterfly.

And our scary witch.

Well, kind of.

This was on Friday night. I'll blog that story soon - "Friday Fright Night".Here are the girls on Halloween. A few changes. And then I ran out of batteries for the camera and couldn't get one of the three of them again. Pretty fun night.
Bella has on the cutest stripes, green down her neck, black hair, and "glow in the dark" glitter on her face, that didn't actually glow. Bummer.

And Emma. This smile is in every picture. She loves Halloween. Dressing up is great. And tons of people just give you candy!

All in all, a pretty fun Halloween.

Thank goodness for the extra hour of sleep, and places to donate all that candy!

(The kids only keep some and the rest goes to the "Good Witch" who takes it to other boys and girls who weren't able to go trick or treating. Nicest lady - she leaves my kids new coloring books every year. Although Bella figured it out this year and helped me set it up. It's kind of a bummer to not be able to surprise her anymore, but that feeling was replaced by being to do it together and having our own little secret. Now she helps me make things special for the other two. I think I like this better. )

Have a great day!