This is my little Emma. She sparkles and she shines.

And that hair goes with her personality so much.

She got her haircut recently and the hairdresser "straightened" it for her.

It was fun and cute... for a day.

Like playing dress up, except with hair instead of crowns and twirly dresses.

But wow, does she look different!!!

We brought back the curls after one day of wearing it straight.

That was plenty.

She said that curly was better than straight. Bella interpreted that to mean in general.

(Bella has stick straight hair, and the stylist curled hers, of course it did not stay.)

I explained that Emma just meant she liked HER hair better curly,

the way God made her hair to be.

To which she jumped in and said,

"yeah, and I trust in God."

All the Best Things Come in Small Packages

So, it's been a week in the new townhouse. And as it turns out... I think we really like it. We might even love it.

As I said in previous posts, it is small. God has provided for what we need, and there isn't an inch left for anything more than that. And there have already been some real neat surprises that we have been blessed with.

Here's a top 10.

10. The kids are learning to clean up more, because if they take out one thing, it's a mess already, so they have to put the first thing away to play with the next.

9. Bella is learning to use the internet and research places to play this summer and things to do, since we don't have a yard here, we're going to play in MN's backyard. So far on the list is Stillwater, Taylors Falls, Duluth, Mankato, Cannon Falls, and many state parks and local playgrounds.

8. The close quarters is beginning to show as the bickering with the girls has begun to increase. However, they are learning to get along, work through their differences, and pick their battles.

7. Cleaning this place is a snap. Outside of the all the boxes and furniture in the garage haunting me, I am actually finding that I have time for things like card games, baking cookies, reading stories, and taking walks. I think there's a word for this - Relaxing? Yeah, I think that's it.

6. Laundry! They have the washer and dryer in the closet right next to our rooms. We have no room for the laundry to pile up, so it gets done. And there's no space to leave baskets that tower with clean clothes to dig through. Things are actually going in the drawers! And as I put things away, I am discovering how much I will save this year on clothes, because now that they are all where they go... turns out they all have plenty of clothes!

5. We all "just fit". And it feels like it fits like a glove.

4. We have a gas fireplace that warms the whole place, the space, and our hearts as we read stories next to it before bed.

3. There's just enough space for the kids to shoot some baskets on our over the door basketball hoop upstairs. I am listening to them all laugh as I write this.

2. The master bath has a tub with jets, everyone loves it. Anthony calls it the "car wash" bath.

1. We are all interacting more!!! The kids are playing more together, Anthony is less isolated, and learning more social skills. The girls and I are having more little talks while I do laundry and they play in the hall with their legos, or horses, or whatever. shaun and I are also spending more time together, having breakfasts, lunches, and evenings holding hands on our little couch. He used to use a seperate bathroom to get ready in the morning, but I have to say, I love that we share one again. It's fun to talk and laugh together before the kids get up. Plus, I can tell him in the morning all those thoughts I used to keep him up with at night.

I know it helps to know that this arrangement is only temporary. It won't be forever. And right now, it's kind of exciting to think about choosing our next home. Location, yard, privacy and size. Our dream is a home in the woods, and now we hope that it's small too. Not this small, but small. Like that country song, "love grows best in small houses".

Boy, does it ever.

Books in the Box

We have MANY Books.

I Love Books.She Loves Books.
So does she.

And they are his Favorite!!

I started packing this week, finally.

I don't have any clue how moms work. I had a little part time cleaning job, I fell behind in things at home, and I had to quit- just so I could pack, move, get re-settled and prepare a "home" for Anthony to recover in. I am so overwhelmed right now.

And I am doubting so much.

Should we even do this?

Maybe we should move somewhere else entirely?

Maybe we should go back to Iowa?

I still feel like my life, and our children's lives, are still there.

Like we left them there, forgetting to pack them.

We started with books last night.

We are seriously downsizing, so I thought maybe it's time to weed out some books.

I think of our couple hundred, I got rid of 12.

But something was so wonderful about it.

Not putting them in a box, but going through them all.

Have you ever taken the time to look at the books you used to read to your kids?

What an amazing trip!

I ran my fingers over the covers and pages of my life.

"Hush Little Baby" - the one I read to Anthony in the hospital when he was born,

and Bella when she had RSV.

"Little Prayers" - Every night to Bella, it was a favorite of hers.

All the sesame street books I grew up loving, and then sharing with little ones on my lap.

Anthony and his "little critter" books he loved, and I loved reading.

There were books from when he was born that helped me through those first hard months.

There were books from the late night with earaches and coughing.

There were books that Anthony and Bella learned to read from,

and some that Emma is learning on.

There were Bella's first chapter books,

and many of the 40 she read to earn her American Girl Doll.

There is even one that was so loved, that when Bella, as a little toddler, got sick one night while it was in her bed, I just cut off the contaminated pages and we kept it.

There is also the series I bought for all of them, that they all just loved, still love, that I bought for them 2 years before any of them came into the picture.

All these books of hope, dreams, real life, and love went into the boxes. And they will go into the new house. Where yet, I am not sure. But THAT part of my life IS coming with.

We've been here almost 2 years, and it's been awful for a lot of it.

But those books reminded me of greater and happier times.

Who knows what will happen next?

I know one thing for sure,

Books and daisies are going to a major part of the decor, even if that's all that will fit.

A New Day

For Valentine's Day, I asked my husband to buy me daisies. I love them, they are my favorite. They remind me of country roads, grandma's house when I was a little girl, blue and white checkered print, summer days, brighter days, simplicity, purity, and love. Yesterday I noticed something else.

D-Danyel
A-Anthony
I-Isabella
S-Shaun
I
E-Emma
S
Ok, so it's necessary that I get more than one for that to work, but I love it.

Today is a new day.
I realize that maybe I wasn't as peppy in my last blog as I was trying to be. I thought the spin on Murphy made it funnier, but maybe not. As I received MANY well wishes, prayers and hopeful stories since then. God bless each of you for all of them.

I think I should have posted earlier though, because I signed a lease yesterday!! Your prayers, along with ours - have come through.

It's going to be cozy, it's little!

But we will fit. It's a townhouse, fairly close, price was decent, won't need a storage garage, this one is huge. So that will help. We couldn't find anything, besides a way overpriced apartment without stairs, but this has minimal. So it should be okay for Anthony.

I am in a bible study right now and on Tuesday we talked about taking the "precious" from our histories, and leaving behind the "worthless". Not that any of our past is worthless, but definitely there are some things not worth passing on to my children.

So in looking into our future - I want to focus on what could be our "precious".

I could get hung up about being in a townhome, being our age and doing college, and renting, and starting over.

Or...
The precious things I could see are that...

-I won't have to mow or shovel for 2 years (and I won't have to worry about Anthony taking off with the mower).

-I won't spend countless hours cleaning my own house.

-I will get to see my children everyday close by my side.

-Nobody will have to change schools.

-We will be cozy, live smaller and simpler.

-We will all have to go out to play as we will have to drive to a park.
This summer could be a "tour de parks" all over Minnesota. And I can go because I won't have to clean my house all day.

-We will meet new neighbors, maybe some close friends?

-We will get to go on summer walks around a great and safe neighborhood.

-My pyromaniac son will be able to flick a switch to start a fire, and flick it again to "put out the fire". No new carpet necessary.

-My daughters will share a room (anybody looking to sell some bunk beds?).

- We can put murals on the walls in the kids rooms.

-We will be able to breathe a little more financially.

-When all is said and done - we have 2 years to get through the backlash of the sale of our home, 2 years for me to get through school, and 2 years where our kids get to see us work very hard to acheive our dreams. There is nothing more honorable as a goal, than to gift my kids with the knowledge and know-how, the example set - of how to create a vision, dream a dream, and then see the fruit of the labor. My kids didn't see what I did or didn't do in my 20's. But when they are in theirs - I pray this experience blesses them.

Because in 2 years, (maybe a little longer), mom will be a teacher and/or a writer, dad will be home in the evenings and on weekends, we will get another house that more suits us, in the woods with a garden. And we will all appreciate it immensely. Until then, we are going to enjoy the next two years (careful to not instill the "I'll be happy when..." philosophy for in two years.) We are going to be happy now.

We are going to plant daisies, in the window.

And be reminded of country roads, grandma's house, blue and white checkers, summer days, brighter days, purity, simplicity, and love.


Precious.

God Called - But I am pretty sure he dialed the wrong number.

You know all those wonderful "comforting" thoughts in hard times. They are supposed to give you a happier perspective, calm you, remind of good days to come.

I need some different ones.

Instead of "thing can't get any worse" - I want to say "things have to get better".
Because everytime things can't get any worse - they do.

So now, after the last few weeks, they HAVE to get better.

Don't say, "God won't give you more than you can handle". Because God doesn't even give it out. Life, satan, karma, whatever you want to call it, is dishing out too much for me.

Murphy, of Murphy's law, isn't just a guest in our home - he moved in, brought his family and are partying in the basement. And I have violent urges to shoot him.

First, we are involved in selling our home and STILL looking for somewhere to live. We hope to close on March 15th, so we need a rental by March 1st. Yes, I am aware how close that is. And I am freaking out, and haven't packed a thing. Murphy's sister, Denial, is always hanging out in my kitchen. She dishes me up ice cream when the house is quiet and I am alone and scared. She even adds chocolate chips on the top. She is making me fat. I hate her.

Second, we got our new insurance. AND IT SUCKS. Our family deductable is so high, we might as well not have any. I will need to keep working just to pay the medical bills. And we will have many. Murphy's brother "Ripyaoff" is taking all our money.

Third, the plan was for me to go to school, get a teaching job, so Shaun could eventually be a 9-5, mon-fri guy. A family. All we wanted was a family life. But with adding school, and the cost, Murphy's cousin, Fear, has me sitting on my computer, frozen, and waiting for something magical to happen.

Fourth and finally - after all this - nothing could have prepared us for the news we got last week. This made losing a job, a house, shitty insurance, and no where to live in 3 weeks nothing to fret over.

I am asking for prayers, lots of them.
Anthony will have surgery in April.
A birth defect was found after extensive testing. How this is just now being figured out is beyond me. Well, I kind of have any idea. Every thing we noticed was just explained away with his "Down syndrome", or his "low muscle tone". Or some other common thought in the DS world. But this one wasn't. His tibia, the shinbone, was twisted and all the "he'll grow out of it's" won't work now. His twisted bone is turning his foot inward, and he is compensating by turning his hip outward. To a degree that he shouldn't be. The "silver lining" I guess, is that they only are doing the tibia and not both the hip and the tibia. For now.
This April they will cut the bone and put in pins and a steel plate. He will be in the hospital for 5-6 days, a wheelchair for the first weeks with one kind of cast, and another kind of cast for the next 3 weeks, but walking. Extensive physical therapy for the next year, close follow-up, x-rays 6 months later, and then next April, another surgery to take our the steel plate and pins, and if all is well with the hip, we should be done. If not, I suppose that will be next.

This little boy, who I never thought would grow out of his rear-facing carseat is now 84 pounds. I think this news was brought to us by Murphy's in-laws - Grief, Terror, Stress, and Devastation.

So life can give you more than you can handle, and that which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger as long - as you don't kill yourself.

God has called me to this life - seriously? I think he got the wrong number.

Iknow, "it will all work out in the end", as long as the end isn't a two-parent, two- income, monday through friday couple who gets time to date, save money for a vacation and enjoy watching their children grow up in a home where you can keep track of their growing years on the wall because it's theirs to write on. Cause, I don't think that one's going to be our end.

A girl can dream, and pray though, can't she?
So keep us in your prayers.

But hey, we'll hit that deductable now.
It can only get better - right?

Still here

Hey there everyone.

To those who have cared enough to check in and are wondering where I am, and why I am not writing, or facebooking, or if I am still kickin'.

Well, it is very late right now, so I will post again soon a more complete update.

But I am still here, going through some very difficult things, but am still here. Thanks so much for asking, and for caring.

As for facebooking - I quit.
One of my new year's resolutions I guess. Working on more face to face friendships instead.
Accomplished the no face book thing, but I suppose from recent inquiries, I am not getting enough face time in.

Will write soon.

God bless.

Will these ever go well?

I have a full-time job with my little guy.

I came home today to a packet to fill out for Anthony's appointment next month. We are going to the Gait Lab in St. Paul and apparently they would like to see if their already 6-inch file on him can fit just a little bit more. I have 15 pages to fill out. That shouldn't take long, I have nothing else to do, right? Ugh.

And then I had to take him in for a "well-child" visit. Well, my child's visit wasn't very fun.

I was about 4 months over due for it, and it showed. He has grown so much. Over the past year he has put on close to 10 lbs. and almost 4 inches. ?????? What????? Whoa!!!!!

He has also hit puberty. This is interesting territory for this mom. Barely moving out of potty training and right into needing to have the girls wait in the lobby so he can have privacy for his appointment. I couldn't believe I was discussing acne, shaving and deorderant. I just ordered him underwear for Christmas!!

He was quite a little man. Totally knew the drill. Went right to the scale, took off his shoes, got weighed, walked over to be measured, held out his arm for the blood pressure. Sometimes I wonder how this could be the same little boy who I held screaming for these things. Whose blood pressure was through the roof, if they got it, from all the stress. Now, he was like a pro. He even wanted to tell the doctor about himself and answer the questions she was asking me -- sooo precious. ( I translated as best as I could, he sure had a lot to tell her!)

He did all she asked of him so well, like a champ.

And then she reveals the bad news - he needs his blood drawn. UGGHHH!
I HATE these.
As she left the room, I reminded her - "bring your friends".

He totally thought he was done. He completely cooperated with everything she told him to do. He was ready to go.

And then they came. Four women, one with "the bucket". You know, the one with all the band-aids, test tubes, and alcohol swabs she could ever need. Who cares that she had on a stupid Santa Hat! Anthony saw that damn thing and bolted. This is NOT a dumb child! He knows that drill too, we both do - and it totally sucks.

He signed over and over - "scared, scared". But we had to do it anyway.

Now I will remind you - he is 4 feet 4 inches and 83 lbs.

We got him on the table and 4 of us held him down while Santa hat lady stuck him. (Curious side note - the fuzz on her hat was black, not white. It was like the grim reaper santa hat - what the hell is that?)

Anyway, she stuck him and then my little contortionist moved. Shit! The needle came out. And we had to do the other arm.
I hate when we have to do it twice.

Here's the funniest part - if there is such a thing. They said he had great veins. They ACTUALLY said that. This child has been told since birth that he has terrible veins. They roll, they're too tiny, they can't find them (that was my favorite - like he didn't have them or something.) But here they were actually telling me he had wonderful veins. They even used that word - wonderful. I'm not positive, but I am pretty sure I laughed out loud at that.

I also love how he can suprise those nurses. They all come in like they have all done this a million times (which I don't doubt), but they have this confident arrogance that "they got this kid's number". And he ALWAYS puts them in their place. The one nurse went on and on at how he did stuff with his arm she could have never prepared herself for, which is why the needle came out. I told them it was going to be very tough. When will they ever listen to me?

Finally he was done, they got enough blood and he was done. He hugged the nurse, and the doctor when he was done. I loved that. There's quite the forgiving heart, don't you think? Could you imagine hugging the people that stabbed you and the one who ordered it to be done? I think he was just so grateful they stopped.

I love this kid.


We have to do this every six months.

When he was a baby I couldn't even try to imagine the day he would ever be 40 lbs. Now he is twice that. And today I can't fathom the idea of a bunch of nurses and a mom holding down a 15 year old young man. Will this ever get easier?

Well, I guess that could be reason #238 to get myself in shape.