Counting the Blessings

I couldn't have planned a better week of vacation.

In fact, I didn't really even plan this one.



About 18 months ago I heard about this camp. Totally forgot about it, and then was reminded of it at the gym one day while watching a re-run of Extreme Home Makeover - where they were remodeling the home of this couple and some of the camp buildings of Camp Barnabas. This couple started a camp for kids with special needs to get the "camp experience", with the added twist of being treated with a kind of love you just don't see enough of. This place is based on the premise that different is normal, and normal is different. I remembered that this place let siblings go too, so when I got home I called.



I count blessing #1 - the info, #2 - the airing of an old episode I can't even find on you tube to show Shaun, and #3 - the off chance that I was at the gym to see it.



Blessing #4 came when I realized that this place books up a year in advance and we were only six months out for one of the 2 most popular weeks of the entire camp summer - when siblings are welcome too. AND we got the last 2 spots!!



Blessing #5 was the fact that we also received a partial scholarship so that they could attend, as we were trying to sell the house at the time.



Blessing #6 was that everyone was well enough to go, especially since Bella got sick just 3 days before we left.



Blessing #7 was Shaun getting all the time off from work. Maybe that is more like 3 blessings.



Blessing #10 was a free hotel from a friend for one night.



Blessing # 11 was Shaun's bonus check that finally came in days before we left.



Blessing #12 was the free stay at a condo in Lutsen, MN from a guy Shaun knows. This is the only reason we would make the trip from Missouri to Lutsen and back. (It really was more cost efffective.)

There really are too many blessings to count. This list goes on and on. And we all had such an amazing time.

Emma's trip could be referred to as The Catch of the Day. Each day she caught some great times. She caught a movie, she caught fish, she caught frogs and minnows, she caught a ride on a tube behind a jet ski, she caught a nap here and there, she caught a ride in grandpa's semi truck, she had to catch her breath after Uncle Chad took her on a huge scooter ride to a park where they played and caught a game of kickball - and then scootered all the way back. And she scored an ice cream cone for lunch with grandpa. She had a great time, but was more than thrilled to be back with her family and as it turns out - having a brother and sister is pretty great!

Bella had a fabulous time. After we got Anthony settled, we went to see her at her cabin and she was already moving in. She was so excited. Although I heard more about the animals at the petting zoo, the horses she rode and the dogs that lived there than any names of other girls, she still talked more than I have ever heard her go on. She made some friends and can't wait for her sister to come next year because they might be in the same cabin. She had a great first experience and is very excited to go back.

Anthony's trip was more amazing than I could find words for. He really did NOT want to be there at all. We tried everything, books, pictures, encouragement, our own excitement - nothing worked. While waiting in line, he hid his face in his pillow when the camp people came to give us information and get our campers names. Yet, these people just kept telling Anthony how happy they were that he was there and how they couldn't wait for him to have so much fun. No one seemed at all thrown by his obvious discontenment.

As we pulled in to the drop off, the volunteers were all yelling and cheering on each camper as they arrived, like 200 of them. I got panicked as I heard them from 4 cars back, because I knew that would push Anthony over the edge. But instead, as we pulled in, the entire crowd was down to barely a whisper and were doing the sign language applause (waving of the hands in the air). Somewhere I must have written down his fear of loud noises. The tears started there - I was in awe.

It was SUCH a nice gesture and thought - but it didn't help him at all.

As his CIA approached, a 16 year old from Denver, Colorado - Chase, and one of his cabin counselors, Eric came to get him - he absolutely was NOT going with them. I offered to help. This part sucked!
I had to pull him out of the car and push him screaming and crying up the hill to his cabin as Shaun drove off to park the car and register the kids. It was 95 degrees out and this little guy isn't so little at 90 pounds of sheer terror. I got him in and talked with him and Chase and gave him more "hints" and ideas for helping Anthony.

As "goodbye time" drew near, I had all I could do to keep it together. But when this young man looked at me, with tears in his own eyes and all the sincerity in the world and said "I want you to know, I prayed for this, and I really wanted to be with your son. I can't wait to spend time with him." I was done for. So while I did all I could to fight the tears, Shaun took the time to say goodbye to Anthony. Then I was up.

At first he didn't hug back, but then he hung on for dear life. Arms tight around my neck, I asked him if he was sad. He said yes, so I told him that I would be the sad girl and he could be the happy boy, and then he looked at me and smiled. One I won't soon forget. I told him to show Chase that smile and he did. Then I could go. He asked to go home with me and dad and I assured him he would on Thursday. We did that twice and then we parted. As I walked out the door, I turned and looked back to see him talking with Chase, and the cabin mom and he seemed ok. So I got out the door - and lost it completely. I hoped in every way that I really took all his sadness, I know I didn't, but at the time it sure hurt like maybe, just maybe, I did.

I found dear Emily next. The one who comforted me prior to coming there. Apparently I am not the only mom full of concern, as she soon added me to the "mommy check-in list". They check the kids at lunch and then give the report to all the moms who call in after 2. Did I tell you how awesome this place was?

But I am a very impatient, over protective mother. So at 9:00, I called. And hoped Emily didn't answer. I got Lindsay, who said that she was standing right next to Eric, one of the cabin counselors who was then put on the phone. He answered the phone - Hello, Mrs. Hinson. Loved that. He went on to tell me Anthony was playing tag and laughing just a few minutes before I had called. I cried while trying to thank him and wished him a good night, then he says "have a blessed week." Seriously, I couldn't get over all these kind people. I told Shaun - I want to go to Camp Barnabas.

Anthony did have fun, and after a few more "mommy check-ins" I learned that while getting ready for bed, he signed "I love you" to Chase. After that, I knew all was well. And for the first time on our trip, I didn't cry before falling asleep that night.

Pick up was the best. Anthony ran to us and hugged us so tight, I swear he lifted us both up. He was so excited after running to hug me, then running to hug Shaun, that he just ran over to this random woman behind Shaun and hugged her too. Then he realized he didn't know her and ran over to us and we all hugged again. He and Chase showed us their little hand jive thing they had going and they hugged too. Chase, whose time at camp was also his first, thanked us for Anthony being there, how he changed his life and even wanted to request to be together again next year. After that drop off, I was suprised Anthony didn't have a different CIA when we came back.

I was so stunned by this place, and this young man. This has been the most amazing thing I have ever seen for Anthony. One place where over 200 people were so thrilled he was there and so happy to meet him. Like he was this gift, just for them.

It hit me like a ton of bricks.
I haven't stopped crying since.
If you call me to ask more about it, you'll get a crackling voice.

There isn't a place, anywhere, like that for my son. This world is made up of more people scared and uncomfortable around him than those who actually care and reach out to him, no matter what. But for one week, he was the kid everyone wanted to be with, the kid to get to know and play with. For one week he was "normal". This place wanted him there, and they showed such a love to him that little miss wordy here can't even begin to explain it. It was such a great glimpse into a world full of acceptance that I had never seen. A world like that, on a daily basis, full of that sincere of love, was the most powerful thing I ever experienced, and I am not the same person I was. It was more than inspiring. What a different place this world could be!! Knowing that there are 200+ 14 to 18 year olds out there with that kind of love in them, sure gave me a hope like no other.

And Anthony? He says he'll go back, that Chase is his buddy, and he even acts more like... a guy. I can tell he's been hanging with "the guys" for a week. It's truly taking my breath away. It was so cool to see him high 5 all these guys as we were leaving, the hugs, the "later dude"s. I had no idea that this would turn out the way it did. I half-expected them to call me to come back to get him. I never expected to be so touched and affected.

There were really just too many blessings to count.

I have to go tend to my little "gifts" now. So I'll blog about me and Shaun on the next one.

Singing a New Song

Whew, a bullet is dodged.

Anthony had an echocardiogram today. Since last month we did an EKG and the blood draws, they did not need to be repeated. So he only needed to do an echo besides the physical exam today. Although he signed that he was scared the entire time since we left the house, he made it through. Didn't hurt that there were no shots, and that he got to watch a movie during the echo.

They got great pictures and all showed to be normal and healthy!!!!!!

The great things to come out of it:
1. We ruled out any heart problems.
2. We have a baseline record for any future concerns to compare it to.
3. There were no signs of cardiomyopathy.
4. There is nothing to indicate that he will have any onset of congenital heart conditions commonly associated with Down syndrome, ever.

5. We probably racked up enough to close out our family deductable, and can now get any surgery we think we might need for "free". Shaun's back or hip, my knees... wonder if laser eye surgery could be considered. Just kidding.

Anyway, the bummer is that we still aren't sure what is causing these episodes, so we are back to the drawing board. Funny thing about figuring out what's wrong - I didn't want it to be his heart, but knowing the problem to be able to fix it is still the goal, and now not knowing is a little frustrating. But again, it's not his heart.

When his doctor told me on Monday that this was the next step, I said that I would have rather she told me he needed more snacks. Ironically, I think we are back to that. this keeps happening at gym class, 4 hours after breakfast, and probably any drink. So I am sending a water bottle and we'll see if that works. It has never happened here, so I can't say what the surrounding circumstances are, so we'll see.

I guess I'll have to hit the internet, see what other parents have experienced.

As for today, the scary stuff is over, and we have "broke on through to the other side" (see previous post from this morning).

So, our new song is...
"If you're happy and you know it...CLAP YOUR HANDS!!!!!"

Thanks everyone for all the prayers!! Powerful stuff!!

The Word of the Day

Every day, Anthony has a "word of the day". He shares with his class the word, the defintion, and a picture to illustrate the word.

Today's word, at our house is Trust.

The defiintion is "firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing".

Here is my illustration. Proof that I have had to "trust", many times before the integrity and ability of many doctors, teachers and whoever else. But mostly in God.
On Monday I cried at what we have to do today, and yesterday I was calm. Resolving that everything will be okay.

But today, I woke up and the war within began.

Today, we take Anthony to the St. Paul Heart Clinic to have a "cardio workup" done. We know an EKG will be done, blood tests and an echo-cardiogram. What else? Not sure. It is just the next step we are being told to do. He passed out at school, for the second time in a month, and protocol dictates that we get his heart checked out. So today, we go.

The war within me raged once my alarm went off, and I woke up, and I realized what I have to do today. I began with awful negative thoughts, wondering what might happen, conjuring up worse case scenarios, (WHY do I do that to myself??) I can jump the gun so fast. Too fast.

And then I fought myself with the positives. It is still, right now, just another doctor appt. Yes, many things lead to a possible condition. The passing out, the fact that heart issues run in the family, and the most obvious - he has Down syndrome. This kind of thing sort of comes with the job. But right now, it is just another appoinment. We don't know anything, we don't have to be scared in this. (I am winning this war. And it feels awesome.)

I resolved yesterday that one of two things will happen today.

1. They will rule it out.

2. They will find something, and they will need to fix it.

So I trust.

I have to.

I have to trust that the doctors in one of top clinics in the country will take care of my son.

I have to trust that they will get a closer to an explanation.

I have to trust that, just like many times before, we will stand strong when it is all said and done.

I also have to trust, so that my son, who will be very scared today, can look to me and Shaun, our faith, and trust...us.

Today, there is a song. Well, part of the song. Because I don't know the whole thing and I really only need the one part anyway, and it is playing over and over in my head.

I love that God can speak to us anyway He wants to.

Today He is using The Doors.

"Break on through to the other side. Break on through. Break on through. Break on through to the other side."

I have been through a lot, so has Shaun, so has Anthony, and so have many others. But on the other side we can see what God saw all along. The way it was all meant to be. The way things can all fall together, like someone had it all planned out. (Because someone does). The way that when, on the other side of it, you see that you weren't alone, even if you felt like it.

Just like a friend of mine said. I can trust that He will be there, because I can look back and see that He always has been.

So today, I will trust.

And we will "break through to other side".

All the Best Things Come in Small Packages

So, it's been a week in the new townhouse. And as it turns out... I think we really like it. We might even love it.

As I said in previous posts, it is small. God has provided for what we need, and there isn't an inch left for anything more than that. And there have already been some real neat surprises that we have been blessed with.

Here's a top 10.

10. The kids are learning to clean up more, because if they take out one thing, it's a mess already, so they have to put the first thing away to play with the next.

9. Bella is learning to use the internet and research places to play this summer and things to do, since we don't have a yard here, we're going to play in MN's backyard. So far on the list is Stillwater, Taylors Falls, Duluth, Mankato, Cannon Falls, and many state parks and local playgrounds.

8. The close quarters is beginning to show as the bickering with the girls has begun to increase. However, they are learning to get along, work through their differences, and pick their battles.

7. Cleaning this place is a snap. Outside of the all the boxes and furniture in the garage haunting me, I am actually finding that I have time for things like card games, baking cookies, reading stories, and taking walks. I think there's a word for this - Relaxing? Yeah, I think that's it.

6. Laundry! They have the washer and dryer in the closet right next to our rooms. We have no room for the laundry to pile up, so it gets done. And there's no space to leave baskets that tower with clean clothes to dig through. Things are actually going in the drawers! And as I put things away, I am discovering how much I will save this year on clothes, because now that they are all where they go... turns out they all have plenty of clothes!

5. We all "just fit". And it feels like it fits like a glove.

4. We have a gas fireplace that warms the whole place, the space, and our hearts as we read stories next to it before bed.

3. There's just enough space for the kids to shoot some baskets on our over the door basketball hoop upstairs. I am listening to them all laugh as I write this.

2. The master bath has a tub with jets, everyone loves it. Anthony calls it the "car wash" bath.

1. We are all interacting more!!! The kids are playing more together, Anthony is less isolated, and learning more social skills. The girls and I are having more little talks while I do laundry and they play in the hall with their legos, or horses, or whatever. shaun and I are also spending more time together, having breakfasts, lunches, and evenings holding hands on our little couch. He used to use a seperate bathroom to get ready in the morning, but I have to say, I love that we share one again. It's fun to talk and laugh together before the kids get up. Plus, I can tell him in the morning all those thoughts I used to keep him up with at night.

I know it helps to know that this arrangement is only temporary. It won't be forever. And right now, it's kind of exciting to think about choosing our next home. Location, yard, privacy and size. Our dream is a home in the woods, and now we hope that it's small too. Not this small, but small. Like that country song, "love grows best in small houses".

Boy, does it ever.

Books in the Box

We have MANY Books.

I Love Books.She Loves Books.
So does she.

And they are his Favorite!!

I started packing this week, finally.

I don't have any clue how moms work. I had a little part time cleaning job, I fell behind in things at home, and I had to quit- just so I could pack, move, get re-settled and prepare a "home" for Anthony to recover in. I am so overwhelmed right now.

And I am doubting so much.

Should we even do this?

Maybe we should move somewhere else entirely?

Maybe we should go back to Iowa?

I still feel like my life, and our children's lives, are still there.

Like we left them there, forgetting to pack them.

We started with books last night.

We are seriously downsizing, so I thought maybe it's time to weed out some books.

I think of our couple hundred, I got rid of 12.

But something was so wonderful about it.

Not putting them in a box, but going through them all.

Have you ever taken the time to look at the books you used to read to your kids?

What an amazing trip!

I ran my fingers over the covers and pages of my life.

"Hush Little Baby" - the one I read to Anthony in the hospital when he was born,

and Bella when she had RSV.

"Little Prayers" - Every night to Bella, it was a favorite of hers.

All the sesame street books I grew up loving, and then sharing with little ones on my lap.

Anthony and his "little critter" books he loved, and I loved reading.

There were books from when he was born that helped me through those first hard months.

There were books from the late night with earaches and coughing.

There were books that Anthony and Bella learned to read from,

and some that Emma is learning on.

There were Bella's first chapter books,

and many of the 40 she read to earn her American Girl Doll.

There is even one that was so loved, that when Bella, as a little toddler, got sick one night while it was in her bed, I just cut off the contaminated pages and we kept it.

There is also the series I bought for all of them, that they all just loved, still love, that I bought for them 2 years before any of them came into the picture.

All these books of hope, dreams, real life, and love went into the boxes. And they will go into the new house. Where yet, I am not sure. But THAT part of my life IS coming with.

We've been here almost 2 years, and it's been awful for a lot of it.

But those books reminded me of greater and happier times.

Who knows what will happen next?

I know one thing for sure,

Books and daisies are going to a major part of the decor, even if that's all that will fit.

God Called - But I am pretty sure he dialed the wrong number.

You know all those wonderful "comforting" thoughts in hard times. They are supposed to give you a happier perspective, calm you, remind of good days to come.

I need some different ones.

Instead of "thing can't get any worse" - I want to say "things have to get better".
Because everytime things can't get any worse - they do.

So now, after the last few weeks, they HAVE to get better.

Don't say, "God won't give you more than you can handle". Because God doesn't even give it out. Life, satan, karma, whatever you want to call it, is dishing out too much for me.

Murphy, of Murphy's law, isn't just a guest in our home - he moved in, brought his family and are partying in the basement. And I have violent urges to shoot him.

First, we are involved in selling our home and STILL looking for somewhere to live. We hope to close on March 15th, so we need a rental by March 1st. Yes, I am aware how close that is. And I am freaking out, and haven't packed a thing. Murphy's sister, Denial, is always hanging out in my kitchen. She dishes me up ice cream when the house is quiet and I am alone and scared. She even adds chocolate chips on the top. She is making me fat. I hate her.

Second, we got our new insurance. AND IT SUCKS. Our family deductable is so high, we might as well not have any. I will need to keep working just to pay the medical bills. And we will have many. Murphy's brother "Ripyaoff" is taking all our money.

Third, the plan was for me to go to school, get a teaching job, so Shaun could eventually be a 9-5, mon-fri guy. A family. All we wanted was a family life. But with adding school, and the cost, Murphy's cousin, Fear, has me sitting on my computer, frozen, and waiting for something magical to happen.

Fourth and finally - after all this - nothing could have prepared us for the news we got last week. This made losing a job, a house, shitty insurance, and no where to live in 3 weeks nothing to fret over.

I am asking for prayers, lots of them.
Anthony will have surgery in April.
A birth defect was found after extensive testing. How this is just now being figured out is beyond me. Well, I kind of have any idea. Every thing we noticed was just explained away with his "Down syndrome", or his "low muscle tone". Or some other common thought in the DS world. But this one wasn't. His tibia, the shinbone, was twisted and all the "he'll grow out of it's" won't work now. His twisted bone is turning his foot inward, and he is compensating by turning his hip outward. To a degree that he shouldn't be. The "silver lining" I guess, is that they only are doing the tibia and not both the hip and the tibia. For now.
This April they will cut the bone and put in pins and a steel plate. He will be in the hospital for 5-6 days, a wheelchair for the first weeks with one kind of cast, and another kind of cast for the next 3 weeks, but walking. Extensive physical therapy for the next year, close follow-up, x-rays 6 months later, and then next April, another surgery to take our the steel plate and pins, and if all is well with the hip, we should be done. If not, I suppose that will be next.

This little boy, who I never thought would grow out of his rear-facing carseat is now 84 pounds. I think this news was brought to us by Murphy's in-laws - Grief, Terror, Stress, and Devastation.

So life can give you more than you can handle, and that which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger as long - as you don't kill yourself.

God has called me to this life - seriously? I think he got the wrong number.

Iknow, "it will all work out in the end", as long as the end isn't a two-parent, two- income, monday through friday couple who gets time to date, save money for a vacation and enjoy watching their children grow up in a home where you can keep track of their growing years on the wall because it's theirs to write on. Cause, I don't think that one's going to be our end.

A girl can dream, and pray though, can't she?
So keep us in your prayers.

But hey, we'll hit that deductable now.
It can only get better - right?

Bah Freeking HumBug

I wish I had the Christmas spirit, I really do.

It's next week.

I'm not "done" with anything, but at least halfway there on most of it.

The only thing that really haunts me is the "newsletter". Each year I attempt to write a piece of hope, love, or joy. I try very hard to walk the tightrope of trying to update everyone on our family, without soundling like a "brag" letter.

Well that shouldn't be a problem this year.
What would we brag about? Hell, I don't even want to admit to half of it.

The trick this year will be to actually find some hope and cheer to spread. I am sure there is some, but today I don't have it. Actually, just right now. I had a great day today. But right now I feel awful. How do I talk about hope and what a "great" year 2009 was?

It sucked.

My husband lost his job, we almost lost our marriage from the stress, and now we're losing our house. How's that for an update? That should make people want to stoke up the fire and snuggle with some hot chocolate. Don't ya think?

Well, the pictures of our totally awesome kids won't be done until Sunday. I can send out my cards and "update" on Monday and still be out before Christmas. So, I have 2 days to get my crap together and find something happy to write about.

Or maybe not. Maybe this year I'll go for honesty. Maybe I'll be more than "facebook fake" and actually tell people that 2009 was an awful year. It sucked and I hated most of it.

Well, I am going to go watch Rudolph with my kids. That usually gets me in the Christmas mood.

I feel kinda like that poor deer. A misfit. Just can't seem to find out why I was made the way I was. (Or in the situation I am in). I want to run away too.

I think I am at that part where I am just hanging out of the island of misfit toys wondering what the heck I am doing. Hoping one day - to lead the sleigh.


Besides,
2009...

It is over.
And we are going to be just fine.

Because we'll get new jobs, and another house, and we survived the test of our marriage, and are better than we ever were.

Hey, we still have our health.

(Could I be feeling a sense of "cheer" already?)

Friday Fright Night

There are many moments, hours, even days at times, where I ask myself - "what WAS I thinking?" The night before Halloween, was one of those times.

I thought we could have a great family experience. I thought it would be fun. I thought it would be a memory cherished for the kids.

I thought wrong.

Although it made for a memory.

I got an invitation to a Halloween party for the kids to come dressed up, play games and win candy and prizes. It was at a middle school, put on by a church. I dressed up the kids and we invited Bella's friend Carlee. So it was me, a little butterfly, a fireman, and 2 witches. As we approached our destination, I felt something pull under my foot on the gas pedal and out of the corner of my eye caught a glimse of an impressive splash from hitting a mud puddle. I was slowing down, hit my blinker and began to turn. For a second, I had a funny feeling in my stomach something may have happened. Sure enough, as I went into my turn - there was no doing without full strength of both arms. Yep, the power steering was out.

Oh great.

I carefully steered the car into a self made parking spot and brought the troops inside. Not wanting to spoil the fun, I brought them in and resolved I would figure out something. As we went down the long hallway to the gym doors we encountered many costumes. And Anthony apparently encountered a growing sense of anxiey when we finally reached the doors. As the girls were all excited to go in and try their hand at bean bag toss, fishing, the cupcake walk and many others, Anthony proceeded to do as he usually does when faced with fear. He backed up.

He backed up to the wall across from the gym, took off his fireman coat and hat, crossed his arms and said "no". "Time to go home".

Oh great.

Honestly, I did expect it could happen. It proved to have been a good idea to explain that if this indeed would happen, the two older girls would go in and be in charge of Emma. And I would sit in the hall. So all I had to say was, "okay girls - you got Emma." And off they went.

Thus giving me opportunity to figure out the issue with the van. I found a worker for the event and asked her to sit with Anthony in the hall while I went to go check on the car. Since this has happened before, I looked under the hood and went for the serpentine belt. Yep, it came off when I hit the puddle and the water loosened it. I felt kind of cool, self sufficient in a way, that I could confidently diagnose the problem with my car. I knew it was time to call a tow truck.

Oh great.

As I was on the phone for the tow truck Anthony heard me say "tow truck". Now he was very upset for a whole other reason. He does not like watching the van get hauled away by the tow truck. Yes, this is not his first time. He was panicking and signing over and over - "no tow truck, mom car not broke".

This story is quite a long one, so here are the highlights of the rest of the night.

Anthony freaks out over the phone call.
Yelling to me while I am talking to the AAA lady.
I go down that long hallway with Anthony to look for the truck and anthony is yelling and running, faster than me, "don't leave, don't leave, mom car not broke." Meanwhile my heart is breaking.

We wait for a bit by the front doors.
AAA says they will call when they are 10 minutes out.
I call Bella's friend's mom to pick us all up. She says she'll call when she gets there.
Phone says 10% of battery is left.

We go back to the gym to check on the girls. Emma comes out and is done with all the activities, and I have missed all her "firsts" with this kind of event. And the guy at the front door comes to find me to tell me the tow truck is here.

I leave Emma with the same nice lady I left Anthony with and go meet the tow truck guy. Anthony runs with me.

The guy asks for my keys.
Can't find them.
Run back to see if they are by the coats in the all across from the gym. (This damn hallway is really long.)

Find them,
run them to the tow truck guy. (Who I just left Anthony with.)

The car leaves, Anthony is mad, and we head back to get the girls. I see the lady I left Emma with, but no Emma. She tells me she is with one of her friends. I think to myself - "hey, I don't know you, who the hell is your friend?!"

Run back. No Emma. Look in the gym. Go in the gym.
Leave Anthony at the door and pray he doesn't run away. Find the girls, they don't know where she is. We all look for her. (Freaking out a little now.)

Grab Anthony and head back down long hall way. Some cowgirl asks me if I am looking for a little ladybug, I say "no, how about a butterfly?" "Yes", she says, "she's with my mom".

Then here comes big smiley Emma with some lady dressed as a gypsy.

Okay, so now I have all four kids. Enough candy to skip trick or treating the next night, and gypsy lady sees fearful Anthony and goes and gets him a six pack of cars.

Anthony is so happy, he is ready to go play in the gym. UGH. Why did I not meet her when I got here??

Then Carlee's mom arrives.
Okay, finally, let's go home.

Oh wait, one more surpise... she leans in to me and says, "the d-o-g is in the c-a-r."

Oh, frickin' great!

(Anthony doesn't really like this dog.)

I look at the chocolate cupcake Bella won for anthony, that he wouldn't have anything to do with, and I say - "Well, I think I am going to need more than chocolate tonight."

We head to the car and as expected, Anthony freaks out over the dog, won't get in the car, it's raining and I am standing there asking myself - "what WERE you thinking?"

Finally, we get everyone in, and home.

I bought myself some wine for the next night. I wasn't taking any chances.

I laughed and laughed over this night. Still do.

That's the one really great thing about having a chaotic life... when shit happens, it's just another day.

Little Lessons Learned

Today was a very productive day, got a lot done and learned quite a few things about my life today.

Just for kicks here is a top 15:

15. If you mow the lawn, and have your music blaring in your ears to hear it over the mower, you will get an earache. (And maybe need to go to Oklahoma to visit your favorite audiologist.)

14. Too much time working in the sun, without enough water is a sure fire way to bring on a headache.

13. Mowing the lawn after 2 - 3 days of rain (and a week) is a bit like mowing a field. But makes the best "vacuum lines".

12. Coloring on a blanket in the shade is very cool.

11. If I am tied up with the mower - my kids can make a healthy lunch with great cooperation all on their own. They even dished me up and cleaned up after.

10. Anthony REALLY likes mowing the lawn with me. He pushes a grass seeder/fertilizer thing right next to me the whole way. It is a favorite time for me.

9. The weed wacker is still one of my top accomplishments for the summer.

8. (I REALLY need to get out more.)

7. Fresh cut grass is a great smell.

6. So is the old stuff dried out in the bag - reminds me of baling hay with my grandpa, dad, uncles, and cousins when I was a kid.

5. Calloused hands from hard work feel better than any manicure.

4. Venting too much in a vulnerable moment of pain to the wrong person, is like throwing yourself in front of the Truck of Judgement. Never to get up again.

3. Just when I thought my life couldn't get any worse, I hear of someone else's struggle and I realize that I don't have a thing to complain about.

2. Watching movies I have already seen late at night, aren't worth the loss in sleep.

1. I am learning, sometimes the hard way, who my true friends really are.

At that was just today.

When it Rains, It Pours

I always thought living in Seattle might be cool. I am reconsidering that after the last few days of rain. It's only been 2, but I am done now. Grateful for my green grass though.



Recently a friend gave me a great compliment. She said that I was so "positive", able to see the bright side of things no matter what. I have been running that through my head the last few days and I am pretty sure I am not earning such a compliment.



My very hardworking husband was unable to take the 10 days off he had hoped for when he started his job, it got knocked down to 4. Although very disappointed, I tried to rally myself into a great 4. And then 2 days before leaving, it got knocked down to 1. I was heartbroken. I was so looking forward to this time as a family, and quite honestly, the help. I adore my three kids, but there is a reason there are 2 parents. I try hard, but I am not a "one-woman show". Nor do I want to be.

Anyway, totally bummed I tried to make the best of it. I took the kids to see my grandparents for an overnight, took them 4 wheeling, got them full of mud doing it and earned "cool mommy" points. We all got spoiled by my grandparents with our favorite foods, and the kids had more pop than they usually have in a month. Then off we went to the cabin. We were going to be joined by Shaun at midnight and have Sunday together, along with the extended family. Before he had to go back that night for work on Monday and Tuesday. He was then going to come back on Tuesday night to spend all of Wednesday with us.



On the way there on Saturday, however, our van broke down. The belt that runs the whole thing slipped off. The water coolant wasn't working, the battery was dying, and the power steering was gone. I literally wrestled the car into a shop with lights flashing and bells dinging. The kids were freaking out, and honestly so was I. The silver lining? I made it to the shop instead of stopping in traffic and getting hit, the guy was stuck there an hour after closing doing paperwork and let me in, he had a loaner for me, and my brother in law came from the cabin and helped me get all our things out there for the week. After that I took the kids to Space Aliens to eat (and hold them over) and then dragged them to the grocery store. I will never again look disapprovingly at a mother with her kids at the grocery store after 9:00 pm, sometimes life just works out that way.



Sunday was awesome, lots of fishing, a ride on the pontoon, time with Dad and grandma. Bella even got to practice using her very first filet knife on some of the sunfish we caught. (More mommy points for buying her the thing. But dad gets all the glory for teaching her. I know how, but I can't watch her with a knife. I know I learned at the same age, but it's different watching your kid.)

Everyone left us on Sunday and on Monday we enjoyed Munsinger gardens, for 2 hours. Bella said it reminded her of the book "The Secret Garden" she had read and all of us thought it was the "best day ever". Finally we got the call that the car was done. Way too much money later, we headed back to the cabin.



Tuesday we SOO enjoyed the company of my best friend Jodi, her 2 little ones, her sister and her baby and later on, my cousin and her 2 little ones. Outside of the toilet pumping water all the way into the kitchen, we had a fun day. The kids all fished, played in the sand, went swimming and laughed! After her sister and my cousing left, Jodi and I braved and conquered the grill (coal and lighter fluid style) and did a campfire, complete with smores for our kids. Shaun showed up just in time to take us all on the pontoon for a ride. ( I will be THE coolest mom if I ever learn to drive that thing.) After we got the little ones down, Shaun and I enjoyed doing some "research" on some wine for his store while we played some cribbage.

Soooooo excited for the next day, we all went to bed.

And woke up to thunderstorms.

About 10:30, we finally called it, packed up and headed home. In the worst rain I have driven in in a long time. Just missing the tornado that went through minneapolis we got home. UGH!!!!!!!

We decided to hit one our wished for destinations for the summer, the Science Museum. The dinosaurs rocked, the Titanic was awesome (although a GREAT date night, wouldn't recommend for little ones), and the anatomy area was sufficiently gross for the kids to just love. Lots of fun, way too much money, geez, but lots of fun!

We finished the day with a pizza and a game of memory.

Although our summer vacation was not even a half a week, it wasn't to Duluth, it wasn't to Gooseberry Falls, not even the North Shore, or the Boundary Waters - it was laughs, it was fishing, there was water, there was boating, and there was all of us. It wasn't much, but I'll take it.

I'm only pouting a little.

Taking the Good with the Bad

You know that saying, "taking the good with the bad".

I think it's kind of like counting your blessings when times are tough.

And as you may or may not know, times here are tough.

Sometimes they just plain suck.

So in the spirit of trying to stay positive, when at times I just want to collapse and cry, I have developed my own little comparison list of bad vs. good to see the silver lining.

Here it goes:

The Bad - Anthony's new physical therapist has a PhD. and has never heard of the "common" sleep practices of children with DS and the possible effects that may have on the poor development of his hip, knees, and feet. (He sleeps folded over in half, head resting on his feet.)

The Good - I guess I know more than some chick with her PhD.

The Bad - Although I adore his speech therapist, she doesn't do anything that much different than what I do at home.

The Good - I could make a decent speech therapist.

The Bad - My husband works 12-14 hours a day, 6-7 days a week. He isn't here to help with anything, I don't get any breaks, and I drag my kids everywhere.

The Good -I get to take my kids to the zoo, the park, hiking, fishing, the cabin and the library. I get compliments on how well behaved they are when we go to the store, bank, post office, social services office, therapy centers, restrurants, hair salons and meetings. I get to be there for every skinned knee, bad dream, first bike ride, story read, puzzle finished, and new skill.

I am becoming very independent. I am learning to master a crazy schedule, insurance companies, finances, and the weed wacker. My kids are learning to help cook, clean, do laundry, and have fun doing it. At night I can stay up on the internet, talk to my friends, read books, and watch whatever I want on TV.

The Bad-I still really miss my husband.

The Good - Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

The Bad - I know of five couples going, or have recently gone, through a divorce.

The Good - I am not one of them.

The Bad - I feel so very lonely at times.

The Good - God gave me some really great friends and family that check in on me, send me encouraging notes, and bless me daily.

The Bad - We are so broke. He took such a hit in pay for this new job. We can't afford anything.

The Good - I have been fortunate enough to start working a bunch of different jobs that come in here and there and continue to provide for us. I have found some great things to do with the kids that are free! We all are helping each other out, and enjoying ourselves. I would bet that my kids are learning some very valuable lessons in all of this that I never would have been able to teach otherwise.

The Bad - In caring for everything and everyone else, I have neglected to care for myself again. I have fallen off of my workouts and healthy eating again. Even just doing things that give me moments of happiness, for ME.

The Good - I can start again. Again.

The Bad - Our new huge TV broke.

The Good - We got all our money back, and put it towards the house payment. Just in time.

The Bad - No TV to watch.

The Good - Catching up on reading, writing, sleep, and paperwork.

The Bad - I am ALWAYS behind and never "caught up".

The Good - I am NEVER bored, and I always have something to do.

The Bad-I don't know what to do with my life to get us out of this.

The Good - I have options.

So, I guess life is really just how you look at it. I have a life that most wouldn't choose, and right now I sure in hell wouldn't. But that's only if you look at the bad. It might be crazy, but it won't last forever.

But the Good stuff? I wouln't trade a single moment of it. I guess you could call me the "lucky one", but I am pretty sure I am fresh out of luck.

But I will call myself...blessed.