Books in the Box

We have MANY Books.

I Love Books.She Loves Books.
So does she.

And they are his Favorite!!

I started packing this week, finally.

I don't have any clue how moms work. I had a little part time cleaning job, I fell behind in things at home, and I had to quit- just so I could pack, move, get re-settled and prepare a "home" for Anthony to recover in. I am so overwhelmed right now.

And I am doubting so much.

Should we even do this?

Maybe we should move somewhere else entirely?

Maybe we should go back to Iowa?

I still feel like my life, and our children's lives, are still there.

Like we left them there, forgetting to pack them.

We started with books last night.

We are seriously downsizing, so I thought maybe it's time to weed out some books.

I think of our couple hundred, I got rid of 12.

But something was so wonderful about it.

Not putting them in a box, but going through them all.

Have you ever taken the time to look at the books you used to read to your kids?

What an amazing trip!

I ran my fingers over the covers and pages of my life.

"Hush Little Baby" - the one I read to Anthony in the hospital when he was born,

and Bella when she had RSV.

"Little Prayers" - Every night to Bella, it was a favorite of hers.

All the sesame street books I grew up loving, and then sharing with little ones on my lap.

Anthony and his "little critter" books he loved, and I loved reading.

There were books from when he was born that helped me through those first hard months.

There were books from the late night with earaches and coughing.

There were books that Anthony and Bella learned to read from,

and some that Emma is learning on.

There were Bella's first chapter books,

and many of the 40 she read to earn her American Girl Doll.

There is even one that was so loved, that when Bella, as a little toddler, got sick one night while it was in her bed, I just cut off the contaminated pages and we kept it.

There is also the series I bought for all of them, that they all just loved, still love, that I bought for them 2 years before any of them came into the picture.

All these books of hope, dreams, real life, and love went into the boxes. And they will go into the new house. Where yet, I am not sure. But THAT part of my life IS coming with.

We've been here almost 2 years, and it's been awful for a lot of it.

But those books reminded me of greater and happier times.

Who knows what will happen next?

I know one thing for sure,

Books and daisies are going to a major part of the decor, even if that's all that will fit.

A New Day

For Valentine's Day, I asked my husband to buy me daisies. I love them, they are my favorite. They remind me of country roads, grandma's house when I was a little girl, blue and white checkered print, summer days, brighter days, simplicity, purity, and love. Yesterday I noticed something else.

D-Danyel
A-Anthony
I-Isabella
S-Shaun
I
E-Emma
S
Ok, so it's necessary that I get more than one for that to work, but I love it.

Today is a new day.
I realize that maybe I wasn't as peppy in my last blog as I was trying to be. I thought the spin on Murphy made it funnier, but maybe not. As I received MANY well wishes, prayers and hopeful stories since then. God bless each of you for all of them.

I think I should have posted earlier though, because I signed a lease yesterday!! Your prayers, along with ours - have come through.

It's going to be cozy, it's little!

But we will fit. It's a townhouse, fairly close, price was decent, won't need a storage garage, this one is huge. So that will help. We couldn't find anything, besides a way overpriced apartment without stairs, but this has minimal. So it should be okay for Anthony.

I am in a bible study right now and on Tuesday we talked about taking the "precious" from our histories, and leaving behind the "worthless". Not that any of our past is worthless, but definitely there are some things not worth passing on to my children.

So in looking into our future - I want to focus on what could be our "precious".

I could get hung up about being in a townhome, being our age and doing college, and renting, and starting over.

Or...
The precious things I could see are that...

-I won't have to mow or shovel for 2 years (and I won't have to worry about Anthony taking off with the mower).

-I won't spend countless hours cleaning my own house.

-I will get to see my children everyday close by my side.

-Nobody will have to change schools.

-We will be cozy, live smaller and simpler.

-We will all have to go out to play as we will have to drive to a park.
This summer could be a "tour de parks" all over Minnesota. And I can go because I won't have to clean my house all day.

-We will meet new neighbors, maybe some close friends?

-We will get to go on summer walks around a great and safe neighborhood.

-My pyromaniac son will be able to flick a switch to start a fire, and flick it again to "put out the fire". No new carpet necessary.

-My daughters will share a room (anybody looking to sell some bunk beds?).

- We can put murals on the walls in the kids rooms.

-We will be able to breathe a little more financially.

-When all is said and done - we have 2 years to get through the backlash of the sale of our home, 2 years for me to get through school, and 2 years where our kids get to see us work very hard to acheive our dreams. There is nothing more honorable as a goal, than to gift my kids with the knowledge and know-how, the example set - of how to create a vision, dream a dream, and then see the fruit of the labor. My kids didn't see what I did or didn't do in my 20's. But when they are in theirs - I pray this experience blesses them.

Because in 2 years, (maybe a little longer), mom will be a teacher and/or a writer, dad will be home in the evenings and on weekends, we will get another house that more suits us, in the woods with a garden. And we will all appreciate it immensely. Until then, we are going to enjoy the next two years (careful to not instill the "I'll be happy when..." philosophy for in two years.) We are going to be happy now.

We are going to plant daisies, in the window.

And be reminded of country roads, grandma's house, blue and white checkers, summer days, brighter days, purity, simplicity, and love.


Precious.

God Called - But I am pretty sure he dialed the wrong number.

You know all those wonderful "comforting" thoughts in hard times. They are supposed to give you a happier perspective, calm you, remind of good days to come.

I need some different ones.

Instead of "thing can't get any worse" - I want to say "things have to get better".
Because everytime things can't get any worse - they do.

So now, after the last few weeks, they HAVE to get better.

Don't say, "God won't give you more than you can handle". Because God doesn't even give it out. Life, satan, karma, whatever you want to call it, is dishing out too much for me.

Murphy, of Murphy's law, isn't just a guest in our home - he moved in, brought his family and are partying in the basement. And I have violent urges to shoot him.

First, we are involved in selling our home and STILL looking for somewhere to live. We hope to close on March 15th, so we need a rental by March 1st. Yes, I am aware how close that is. And I am freaking out, and haven't packed a thing. Murphy's sister, Denial, is always hanging out in my kitchen. She dishes me up ice cream when the house is quiet and I am alone and scared. She even adds chocolate chips on the top. She is making me fat. I hate her.

Second, we got our new insurance. AND IT SUCKS. Our family deductable is so high, we might as well not have any. I will need to keep working just to pay the medical bills. And we will have many. Murphy's brother "Ripyaoff" is taking all our money.

Third, the plan was for me to go to school, get a teaching job, so Shaun could eventually be a 9-5, mon-fri guy. A family. All we wanted was a family life. But with adding school, and the cost, Murphy's cousin, Fear, has me sitting on my computer, frozen, and waiting for something magical to happen.

Fourth and finally - after all this - nothing could have prepared us for the news we got last week. This made losing a job, a house, shitty insurance, and no where to live in 3 weeks nothing to fret over.

I am asking for prayers, lots of them.
Anthony will have surgery in April.
A birth defect was found after extensive testing. How this is just now being figured out is beyond me. Well, I kind of have any idea. Every thing we noticed was just explained away with his "Down syndrome", or his "low muscle tone". Or some other common thought in the DS world. But this one wasn't. His tibia, the shinbone, was twisted and all the "he'll grow out of it's" won't work now. His twisted bone is turning his foot inward, and he is compensating by turning his hip outward. To a degree that he shouldn't be. The "silver lining" I guess, is that they only are doing the tibia and not both the hip and the tibia. For now.
This April they will cut the bone and put in pins and a steel plate. He will be in the hospital for 5-6 days, a wheelchair for the first weeks with one kind of cast, and another kind of cast for the next 3 weeks, but walking. Extensive physical therapy for the next year, close follow-up, x-rays 6 months later, and then next April, another surgery to take our the steel plate and pins, and if all is well with the hip, we should be done. If not, I suppose that will be next.

This little boy, who I never thought would grow out of his rear-facing carseat is now 84 pounds. I think this news was brought to us by Murphy's in-laws - Grief, Terror, Stress, and Devastation.

So life can give you more than you can handle, and that which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger as long - as you don't kill yourself.

God has called me to this life - seriously? I think he got the wrong number.

Iknow, "it will all work out in the end", as long as the end isn't a two-parent, two- income, monday through friday couple who gets time to date, save money for a vacation and enjoy watching their children grow up in a home where you can keep track of their growing years on the wall because it's theirs to write on. Cause, I don't think that one's going to be our end.

A girl can dream, and pray though, can't she?
So keep us in your prayers.

But hey, we'll hit that deductable now.
It can only get better - right?

Still here

Hey there everyone.

To those who have cared enough to check in and are wondering where I am, and why I am not writing, or facebooking, or if I am still kickin'.

Well, it is very late right now, so I will post again soon a more complete update.

But I am still here, going through some very difficult things, but am still here. Thanks so much for asking, and for caring.

As for facebooking - I quit.
One of my new year's resolutions I guess. Working on more face to face friendships instead.
Accomplished the no face book thing, but I suppose from recent inquiries, I am not getting enough face time in.

Will write soon.

God bless.

Will these ever go well?

I have a full-time job with my little guy.

I came home today to a packet to fill out for Anthony's appointment next month. We are going to the Gait Lab in St. Paul and apparently they would like to see if their already 6-inch file on him can fit just a little bit more. I have 15 pages to fill out. That shouldn't take long, I have nothing else to do, right? Ugh.

And then I had to take him in for a "well-child" visit. Well, my child's visit wasn't very fun.

I was about 4 months over due for it, and it showed. He has grown so much. Over the past year he has put on close to 10 lbs. and almost 4 inches. ?????? What????? Whoa!!!!!

He has also hit puberty. This is interesting territory for this mom. Barely moving out of potty training and right into needing to have the girls wait in the lobby so he can have privacy for his appointment. I couldn't believe I was discussing acne, shaving and deorderant. I just ordered him underwear for Christmas!!

He was quite a little man. Totally knew the drill. Went right to the scale, took off his shoes, got weighed, walked over to be measured, held out his arm for the blood pressure. Sometimes I wonder how this could be the same little boy who I held screaming for these things. Whose blood pressure was through the roof, if they got it, from all the stress. Now, he was like a pro. He even wanted to tell the doctor about himself and answer the questions she was asking me -- sooo precious. ( I translated as best as I could, he sure had a lot to tell her!)

He did all she asked of him so well, like a champ.

And then she reveals the bad news - he needs his blood drawn. UGGHHH!
I HATE these.
As she left the room, I reminded her - "bring your friends".

He totally thought he was done. He completely cooperated with everything she told him to do. He was ready to go.

And then they came. Four women, one with "the bucket". You know, the one with all the band-aids, test tubes, and alcohol swabs she could ever need. Who cares that she had on a stupid Santa Hat! Anthony saw that damn thing and bolted. This is NOT a dumb child! He knows that drill too, we both do - and it totally sucks.

He signed over and over - "scared, scared". But we had to do it anyway.

Now I will remind you - he is 4 feet 4 inches and 83 lbs.

We got him on the table and 4 of us held him down while Santa hat lady stuck him. (Curious side note - the fuzz on her hat was black, not white. It was like the grim reaper santa hat - what the hell is that?)

Anyway, she stuck him and then my little contortionist moved. Shit! The needle came out. And we had to do the other arm.
I hate when we have to do it twice.

Here's the funniest part - if there is such a thing. They said he had great veins. They ACTUALLY said that. This child has been told since birth that he has terrible veins. They roll, they're too tiny, they can't find them (that was my favorite - like he didn't have them or something.) But here they were actually telling me he had wonderful veins. They even used that word - wonderful. I'm not positive, but I am pretty sure I laughed out loud at that.

I also love how he can suprise those nurses. They all come in like they have all done this a million times (which I don't doubt), but they have this confident arrogance that "they got this kid's number". And he ALWAYS puts them in their place. The one nurse went on and on at how he did stuff with his arm she could have never prepared herself for, which is why the needle came out. I told them it was going to be very tough. When will they ever listen to me?

Finally he was done, they got enough blood and he was done. He hugged the nurse, and the doctor when he was done. I loved that. There's quite the forgiving heart, don't you think? Could you imagine hugging the people that stabbed you and the one who ordered it to be done? I think he was just so grateful they stopped.

I love this kid.


We have to do this every six months.

When he was a baby I couldn't even try to imagine the day he would ever be 40 lbs. Now he is twice that. And today I can't fathom the idea of a bunch of nurses and a mom holding down a 15 year old young man. Will this ever get easier?

Well, I guess that could be reason #238 to get myself in shape.

Bah Freeking HumBug

I wish I had the Christmas spirit, I really do.

It's next week.

I'm not "done" with anything, but at least halfway there on most of it.

The only thing that really haunts me is the "newsletter". Each year I attempt to write a piece of hope, love, or joy. I try very hard to walk the tightrope of trying to update everyone on our family, without soundling like a "brag" letter.

Well that shouldn't be a problem this year.
What would we brag about? Hell, I don't even want to admit to half of it.

The trick this year will be to actually find some hope and cheer to spread. I am sure there is some, but today I don't have it. Actually, just right now. I had a great day today. But right now I feel awful. How do I talk about hope and what a "great" year 2009 was?

It sucked.

My husband lost his job, we almost lost our marriage from the stress, and now we're losing our house. How's that for an update? That should make people want to stoke up the fire and snuggle with some hot chocolate. Don't ya think?

Well, the pictures of our totally awesome kids won't be done until Sunday. I can send out my cards and "update" on Monday and still be out before Christmas. So, I have 2 days to get my crap together and find something happy to write about.

Or maybe not. Maybe this year I'll go for honesty. Maybe I'll be more than "facebook fake" and actually tell people that 2009 was an awful year. It sucked and I hated most of it.

Well, I am going to go watch Rudolph with my kids. That usually gets me in the Christmas mood.

I feel kinda like that poor deer. A misfit. Just can't seem to find out why I was made the way I was. (Or in the situation I am in). I want to run away too.

I think I am at that part where I am just hanging out of the island of misfit toys wondering what the heck I am doing. Hoping one day - to lead the sleigh.


Besides,
2009...

It is over.
And we are going to be just fine.

Because we'll get new jobs, and another house, and we survived the test of our marriage, and are better than we ever were.

Hey, we still have our health.

(Could I be feeling a sense of "cheer" already?)

A good laugh

The other day, after struggling since we moved here, to find a good Sunday school option for the kids, like we had in Iowa, and having no luck - I decided to "home school" the spirituality of my kids. It's our overall job anyway as parents, so I decided to give it a shot a few Sundays ago.

We had a total blast!!!!

We spent 2 hours on it, everybody got into it. Even Anthony was in full attention. And did his memory verse super awesome everyday after.

In one of our discussions that day we talked about the four Gospels. Bella couldn't resist the urge to repeat over and over in a sing-song tone, "Matthew, Mark, Luke and John". She had all of us singing it actually. Even little Emma was just going to town with her new little song.

A few hours later, I was talking this over with my grandma and sharing with her how great the experience was, how connected to the kids I felt and how precious the family time was for all of us learning together as we went along.

Soon Emma appeared for a little snuggle time. While on the phone with my grandma, I quick asked Emma if she remembered the four Gospels we learned. (I was sure to impress grandma with this one.) At first Emma hesitated, so I prompted her with "Matthew...".

To which she thought for a moment and finished with -

"Matthew..............Jon... and Kate".

I laughed so hard.

So did grandma.

It's really only funny at first, because if you think about it for too long, it's kinda pathetic.

So I don't, and I continue to just laugh.

That kid ALWAYS cracks me up.

Bless her heart.