Funny moment with Emma

Little Emma is 7 now, as you can see. She is growing up, but she is still the absolute joy she has always been.

This is one those stories I didn't want to forget, so I am writing it down, right here, and sharing it with you.

We have been teaching her and Bella to play Cribbage, which has been very fun. I didn't learn myself until I started dating Shaun. Although we have added some new vocabulary to the game, it has gone quite well. (For example, to remind her to jump over the peg for counting, we keep telling her "leapfrog".)

Last night she was playing with Bella and I was coaching them both through it. So it's Emma's turn to deal. She was handing out the cards in a very different fashion. It worked, but I knew some of the people she may play with other than me, might not appreciate how she was doing it very much. She has always been so creative. Just when you think there is only one way to do things, she shows you how to shake it up a bit. Anyway, I thought I should mention how it was fine with me the way she was doing it, but that I wanted her to know how most people do it, so that when she was playing with them, they wouldn't get upset with her for not doing it the way they are used to.

"So they get kinda mad?", she asked.

"Yes, some people can get pretty particular on how the cards are dealt." I responded.

To which she says, "Yeah, some people can be so miniature".

I know she meant to say "immature". But I giggled to myself and thought of all the people I play with, that can be so "miniature". You know, petty, particular and irritable. Taking all the fun out of playing the game.

At least with Emma, as little as she actually is, being "miniature" isn't an issue for her.

Goodbye - You drove me Crazy.

I had a secret stash in my closet.

"Just in case".

But Now-I can Officially Say Goodbye.

I can let them go.

I can let my reliance on them fly out the window.

I can be free of them.

I never thought the day would come.

I thought it would never end.

I used to go crazy about it.

Worrying, making charts, buying rewards, worrying, giving candy, giving bribes -

Worrying.

But I can say it now.

GOODBYE PULL-UPS!!!!!!

Anthony is officially potty trained. He has been for a while. But I have kept these things , just in case, as if I was imagining it and one day I would wake up and we would still need them. But here we are.

We have been working with Anthony since he was 2 years old on this. He always went, every day, on the toilet. But he wasn't ready to do it on his own yet. We knew it would take a long time. "They" told us it would. But at 4, 5, 6 and 7 we really didn't think it would ever happen. It was so stressful. People were always giving us tips, helpful advice and tricks. And we used every single one of them. Charts - only I was trained on that. Stickers - he hated because they always give those out at the doctor, and he hates the doctor. Candy - he only liked sometimes. Matchbox cars - he has at least 30 from those efforts. We tried just putting him in the underwear so he could "feel" being wet. He has sensory issues - except when it came to that. He didn't really care. I even bought him a doll he could teach. (When is someone going to invent a car that needs to go potty - maybe that would have done it?)

I had a family member ask me how long it could take. I told her "as late as 8". (Yes, I had researched it.) He was 7 at the time and she responded with her own sigh of relief - "Oh good, you only have a year left." I watched other kids get potty trained that were born after him - before he was even close. Even Bella and Emma beat him.

I knew someone who said her son was trained in one day.

I had become exasperated.

Really though - WHAT IS IT about us as mothers that makes us think it's all our fault if they aren't trained by a certain age? There is another person I know who took off work to potty train her child in a 2-day training method? Really? I felt like such an inept mother. One day while crying to my dear friend Erin - she said something that I will never forget, I tell everyone I meet, and changed my whole perspective.

I was complaining that some other child was potty trained in one day, and that we had been working on it for 5 and a half years now, with no end in sight. In her special way of calmness and peace that she carries with her, she said - "He'll be potty trained in one day too. ONE DAY - HE will be potty trained."

Now that was the brick in the head this momma needed. I stopped worrying, I stayed consistent, I let him do what he could, when he could, and I respected him. And 5 years later - my one day came. Or rather, HIS one day came. And He is potty trained. And now, after it's all said and done, I realized that what we all hear while we are trying to potty train our kids - but don't understand until they're done - is that THEY DO do it themselves on their timeline, under their understanding, and with their determination. They potty train themselves, we have hardly a thing to do about it but keep consistent, patiently wait, and realize this is not about us.

I love that his one day finally came for him, that he can finally be free of pull-ups, that I can carry a purse. Yes, he will be 13 this summer, but he really did it by age 12. I don't even have to remind him anymore. It took us 10 years. But we got here. I just didn't want to jinx anything by posting too soon about it. But this post, however weird to some readers, is one of the most exciting ones. I love how when I hear the toilet flush, my heart feels fuller and I just rejoice in the moment. He's the only kid who can make me do that with that sound.

And who cares that by the time I got to proudly buy "big boy underwear", I also had to pick up deodorant and acne cream. In the end, freedom - is a very sweet reward.

Setting Sail

If you know me at all - you know I love quotes. I mean LOVE them. My brother in law bought me a book of them, that I have read once, and am now reading again. Quotes are in the words of famous people, anonymous people, verses from the Bibles, movies, great literature works, even my kids have some great ones that make my day.

I love how they can sum up the amazing details in life and create such a peace in your heart. A calmness of understanding in your mind. I did my whole Christmas letter this year in them. I have a beautiful journal that I have devoted to just listing the ones I love the most. I call it, "My Happy Book". They can be so profound at times, so comforting, so "real", and always - so true! But the number one thing that I love about them the utmost - they are simple. They are simple truths.

Maybe that's why I like them so much. My need for something simple is pretty high with the life I have. Simple is like a calming cup of tea when life leaves me cold. Simple is the comfort in my chaos. Simple is... well, simple. And TRUTH, wow do I have a need for that. My husband loves math for lots of reasons, but one is that there is always an answer to be found. A solution to be discovered. A "truth" that is constant. Don't we all love reliable truth? The kind we can turn to in times of concerns and doubt. The kind that takes away our worries, and straightens our spinning thoughts. I know that's why I love these quotes - simple truths - a constant you can rely. My version of Math (plus, I am not very good at math).

Some of my favorites are:

"God's gift to you is your talent - your gift to Him is to use it."

"If things are tough - remember that every flower that ever bloomed had to go through a lot of dirt to get there."

"The 'I'll do it tomorrow', makes today a waste of time."

"No one likes a lecture, inspire by example."

At least, today - they are my favorites.

I love how they give me hope, encourage me, and help me to lift my head up and keep pressing on, even if I'm trudging through.

However there is one "side effect" of these that I am not particularly fond of.

It's when I come across one, that not only addresses me personally at a time of great need, but just really gets me in my gut. And then I realize that this "Great Epiphany" - which it always is at the time - is really- yep- common sense. It's then that I feel both thrilled with my discovery, and like a total doofus that actually, it IS that simple.

A friend of mine and I were talking today and she gave me a jem! I have been struggling with "what I should do". So much in fact, that I have been paralyzed from really doing anything but thinking about it. A lot. I think about it constantly. In the car, the shower, from the second my hand hits the alarm, to when my head hits the pillow. What should I do, what should I be, should I pursue my dream, should I just make some money and who cares if I like it? ???

I even pray about it, "without ceasing", praying over and over that He will tell me. Then- I can go do it. But I don't "hear" it yet. So I think some more. I think about what I think He might have said, and was it really Him, and is He really sure? (There's a thought - Am I really asking God-if He's sure?)

I think, think, and think. This thinking has even prompted me to ask my husband what he is thinking about, just for different ideas, and I am astounded when he says "nothing". Really???? How does one do that???

I think so much about it, I don't actually DO anything BUT think about it.

So here's what my friend says today - "God steers a MOVING ship."

There is really nothing quite like getting hit in the head with "common sense" - that makes you feel like a total idiot.

So today, my goal is to DO something this week. Something that will maybe lead me to something else, that will allow my little lifeship to be guided somewhere. Somewhere because I will have set sail! To do something, ANYthing, besides think.

The Path I Choose

Every year, it's the same. I feel an excitement towards the New Year like no other. Even more than my own birthday, I fill with anticipation with what can be, what will be, and who I could become. I usually also look forward to "ending" the previous year. Like a ritual of closure, I say goodbye to past pain, hurt, loss and failure. And I look forward with hope to happiness, joy, peace and success.

Every year I do the resolution thing, like everyone else. I hope for brighter days, losing the weight, writing the book. Achieving all my dreams, big or small. And, like everyone else, I usually trail off by March or so. Not because I don't want to keep them, I just let other things come between those hopes and me. I follow the path I'm more used to, the chaotic path of everyday life. The kids, the laundry, the bills, there is always something. And there always will be something.

As I have grown over this past year I have realized some things that have made a major impact on my future this year.

One - Every day has a "midnight". Those hopes and dreams can be renewed daily, those goals have a chance every day to be met. I can start my days with that same anticipation I feel at the beginning of the year.

Two - You have time for what you MAKE time for. I have a busy life, but is it effective? Doing things and being busy, doesn't always mean being productive. There is a big difference.

Three - There is really only one thing that ever gets in my way of my dreams. It's not my kids's schedule, or Shaun's, it's not the bills or the laundry, it's not the doctors or therapists or teachers, it's not anything. But Me. I am the only one who stands in my own way. I just use the rest as really "understandable" and great excuses.

So this year, I have one dream, one resolution, one hope.

To get out of my own way.

So I can lose the weight, so I can make my home "homey", so I can make the people in my life feel special, so I can make a difference, and so I can write the book.

So that my days look like this picture.

A path with curves- I will have ups and downs. A path with color- I will see the beauty in my days. A path with wonder- of what will come and what will be. A path with momentum- I will keep going. And finally- a path without me standing in the middle.

School Patrol

I have been meaning to blog this for quite some time, just haven't made the time. But I have to do it, because it is so cool. When we moved the girls to Cherryview, Bella found out that 5th graders can do a lot of things. She signed up to do video taped school announcements that everyone watches each morning on the TV's in their classrooms. She plays the trumpet in band. She takes her turn running the school store.

But she just couldn't wait to be on the School Patrol. Honestly, it scared me a bit, there is a major intersection that the kids run, but they do it exceptionally well. I have always been impressed with the school and this team of kids. So she signed up right away, for all of it.

On a whim, I asked the director this year if she would consider letting Anthony be on patrol, with a buddy or something. I thought it would be a great opportunity for him to be responsible and give him a sense of pride. Bless little Bella, she volunteered right away to be his buddy, and the teacher thought it was a great idea!

So, here is a shot of his first day along with little sister. He has been at this same post each time he does it, and other kids are working with him too. I used to help during training, but now he is totally on his own, he know what he is to do, and he does it well. Bella even goes to that big intersection. And boy is she proud when she does it too. The really cool thing I never expected to happen is all of the social skills it would provide for Anthony. Most of the time a huge portion of the kids are high-fiving him as they walk by and saying hello or goodbye to him. He has opened up so much more and it has helped him huge in the department of greeting people. He beams. (And I usually get watery eyes.) We are soooo proud of them both!

He is also a boy sick of his mother taking his picture at times. This is one of those times. Camera came up, and he shot a look the other direction. Oh well.

The other big boy thing he does: he does NOT want me to walk him in to school anymore. He jumps out, holds up his hand for me to stay, and says "I got this mom".

I still get teary eyed over it.

I guess it catches me off guard.

I think I forget that even though he is not like other kids in so many ways, that in some very real ways - he IS just like them. He wants to be independent and responsible too.

I guess, like other moms, letting go is part of deal. It's hard, it sneaks up on you, and it makes you very aware of the "moment". As he runs off to school, I am left there in the car watching. And in that moment, in my mind, I try to catch up to him. The image of him as a little boy begins to change, it has to grow up too. Because he is.

With the right attitude, letting go can be very exciting. It symbolizes so much more for him. It means he is becoming. No matter how long it has taken him to learn the things he has, he has done it. And now he is making his path. The milestones we worked for have come, and boy did he WORK for them. Now, he is taking those skills, adding to them, and moving forward to the person he is meant to be. The bike riding, tag playing, football watching, lego building, patroling, and church going kid. And you know - I think he's "got this".

And then there was One.

Last week was a big week across Minnesota.

The first day of school. Backpacks, pencils, new shoes and one of the few pictures I take these days that visually records the growth of my children from year to year.

This is quite a year for our family. We moved the girls to the same school as Anthony. And even though I was pretty uneasy about the move for the girls - it has turned out to be the best thing we could have done! I knew it would be more convenient for us, but I had NO idea how completely wonderful it would be. To have them all in one place. To hear that they see each other now and then, to hear about the teachers and what they are doing. I just absolutely love it.

This is our first day...

We have 2 fifth graders and a 1st grader.

This year is big for another reason.

Emma is full time now.

She was afternoon kindergarten last year, but now they are all there, all together, all day.

And now it's just me.

After 10 years... it's just me.

I know I should be thrilled. Lots of other people envy my "freedom" and "time to myself".

But I am not.

I am getting things done, things that have been on my to do list for years, and it's nice I guess. But this is just so wierd.

I have cried here and there, but not too bad. I miss them, but I am so very happy for what they are doing and embarking on in their lives that I can't be too sad about it.

I just didn't know it would be like this.

I went to Target last week and saw all these moms with their little ones in the carts. Some were in their jammies, some had red lips and faces from a slushie, some were looking at the halloween light up attractions, and some were looking at books with goldfish cracker crumbs on their shirts.

And I got sad.

I got sad because that's not me anymore.

I thought of all the times I had just wished for them to sit still in the cart so I could just be done, just look quick at the halloween stuff because we had to get going, just eat another cracker and look at the cow jump over the moon while I go over my list.

And now I watch.

Just me and my cart going up and down the aisles with my list. A list that used to have little scribbles on it from some little one's hand, and it's just my own now.

And I try to let go of that time in my life, in their lives, and I try not to cry.

Oh how I wish I could tell these moms to slow down and treasure this time.

Don't wish for the time when they are gone, don't hurry them up,

don't "can't wait" for when they can...

Enjoy it now, because once it's gone, it really is gone.

There is no going back.

One day Goodnight moon will be replaced with chapter books, goldfish crackers with gum, and red slushie lips with lipstick. And you'll wonder why you wished it to happen faster, because even though other moms told you it would go fast, you just really didn't get it until it was too late.

After 10 years, now I shop alone, I eat alone, I read alone, I have full phone conversations, and I finish things.

And I feel alone.

I greive for afternoon naps on the couch, for simple stories, for learning about colors and new words, and for games of Candyland.

I should be thrilled, but I am not there yet. Maybe in the weeks to come. For now I will try to adjust, try to enjoy, try not to cry, and try to see what the future holds for me next.

For every thing there is a season. And I suppose the seasons are changing for me.

Counting the Blessings

I couldn't have planned a better week of vacation.

In fact, I didn't really even plan this one.



About 18 months ago I heard about this camp. Totally forgot about it, and then was reminded of it at the gym one day while watching a re-run of Extreme Home Makeover - where they were remodeling the home of this couple and some of the camp buildings of Camp Barnabas. This couple started a camp for kids with special needs to get the "camp experience", with the added twist of being treated with a kind of love you just don't see enough of. This place is based on the premise that different is normal, and normal is different. I remembered that this place let siblings go too, so when I got home I called.



I count blessing #1 - the info, #2 - the airing of an old episode I can't even find on you tube to show Shaun, and #3 - the off chance that I was at the gym to see it.



Blessing #4 came when I realized that this place books up a year in advance and we were only six months out for one of the 2 most popular weeks of the entire camp summer - when siblings are welcome too. AND we got the last 2 spots!!



Blessing #5 was the fact that we also received a partial scholarship so that they could attend, as we were trying to sell the house at the time.



Blessing #6 was that everyone was well enough to go, especially since Bella got sick just 3 days before we left.



Blessing #7 was Shaun getting all the time off from work. Maybe that is more like 3 blessings.



Blessing #10 was a free hotel from a friend for one night.



Blessing # 11 was Shaun's bonus check that finally came in days before we left.



Blessing #12 was the free stay at a condo in Lutsen, MN from a guy Shaun knows. This is the only reason we would make the trip from Missouri to Lutsen and back. (It really was more cost efffective.)

There really are too many blessings to count. This list goes on and on. And we all had such an amazing time.

Emma's trip could be referred to as The Catch of the Day. Each day she caught some great times. She caught a movie, she caught fish, she caught frogs and minnows, she caught a ride on a tube behind a jet ski, she caught a nap here and there, she caught a ride in grandpa's semi truck, she had to catch her breath after Uncle Chad took her on a huge scooter ride to a park where they played and caught a game of kickball - and then scootered all the way back. And she scored an ice cream cone for lunch with grandpa. She had a great time, but was more than thrilled to be back with her family and as it turns out - having a brother and sister is pretty great!

Bella had a fabulous time. After we got Anthony settled, we went to see her at her cabin and she was already moving in. She was so excited. Although I heard more about the animals at the petting zoo, the horses she rode and the dogs that lived there than any names of other girls, she still talked more than I have ever heard her go on. She made some friends and can't wait for her sister to come next year because they might be in the same cabin. She had a great first experience and is very excited to go back.

Anthony's trip was more amazing than I could find words for. He really did NOT want to be there at all. We tried everything, books, pictures, encouragement, our own excitement - nothing worked. While waiting in line, he hid his face in his pillow when the camp people came to give us information and get our campers names. Yet, these people just kept telling Anthony how happy they were that he was there and how they couldn't wait for him to have so much fun. No one seemed at all thrown by his obvious discontenment.

As we pulled in to the drop off, the volunteers were all yelling and cheering on each camper as they arrived, like 200 of them. I got panicked as I heard them from 4 cars back, because I knew that would push Anthony over the edge. But instead, as we pulled in, the entire crowd was down to barely a whisper and were doing the sign language applause (waving of the hands in the air). Somewhere I must have written down his fear of loud noises. The tears started there - I was in awe.

It was SUCH a nice gesture and thought - but it didn't help him at all.

As his CIA approached, a 16 year old from Denver, Colorado - Chase, and one of his cabin counselors, Eric came to get him - he absolutely was NOT going with them. I offered to help. This part sucked!
I had to pull him out of the car and push him screaming and crying up the hill to his cabin as Shaun drove off to park the car and register the kids. It was 95 degrees out and this little guy isn't so little at 90 pounds of sheer terror. I got him in and talked with him and Chase and gave him more "hints" and ideas for helping Anthony.

As "goodbye time" drew near, I had all I could do to keep it together. But when this young man looked at me, with tears in his own eyes and all the sincerity in the world and said "I want you to know, I prayed for this, and I really wanted to be with your son. I can't wait to spend time with him." I was done for. So while I did all I could to fight the tears, Shaun took the time to say goodbye to Anthony. Then I was up.

At first he didn't hug back, but then he hung on for dear life. Arms tight around my neck, I asked him if he was sad. He said yes, so I told him that I would be the sad girl and he could be the happy boy, and then he looked at me and smiled. One I won't soon forget. I told him to show Chase that smile and he did. Then I could go. He asked to go home with me and dad and I assured him he would on Thursday. We did that twice and then we parted. As I walked out the door, I turned and looked back to see him talking with Chase, and the cabin mom and he seemed ok. So I got out the door - and lost it completely. I hoped in every way that I really took all his sadness, I know I didn't, but at the time it sure hurt like maybe, just maybe, I did.

I found dear Emily next. The one who comforted me prior to coming there. Apparently I am not the only mom full of concern, as she soon added me to the "mommy check-in list". They check the kids at lunch and then give the report to all the moms who call in after 2. Did I tell you how awesome this place was?

But I am a very impatient, over protective mother. So at 9:00, I called. And hoped Emily didn't answer. I got Lindsay, who said that she was standing right next to Eric, one of the cabin counselors who was then put on the phone. He answered the phone - Hello, Mrs. Hinson. Loved that. He went on to tell me Anthony was playing tag and laughing just a few minutes before I had called. I cried while trying to thank him and wished him a good night, then he says "have a blessed week." Seriously, I couldn't get over all these kind people. I told Shaun - I want to go to Camp Barnabas.

Anthony did have fun, and after a few more "mommy check-ins" I learned that while getting ready for bed, he signed "I love you" to Chase. After that, I knew all was well. And for the first time on our trip, I didn't cry before falling asleep that night.

Pick up was the best. Anthony ran to us and hugged us so tight, I swear he lifted us both up. He was so excited after running to hug me, then running to hug Shaun, that he just ran over to this random woman behind Shaun and hugged her too. Then he realized he didn't know her and ran over to us and we all hugged again. He and Chase showed us their little hand jive thing they had going and they hugged too. Chase, whose time at camp was also his first, thanked us for Anthony being there, how he changed his life and even wanted to request to be together again next year. After that drop off, I was suprised Anthony didn't have a different CIA when we came back.

I was so stunned by this place, and this young man. This has been the most amazing thing I have ever seen for Anthony. One place where over 200 people were so thrilled he was there and so happy to meet him. Like he was this gift, just for them.

It hit me like a ton of bricks.
I haven't stopped crying since.
If you call me to ask more about it, you'll get a crackling voice.

There isn't a place, anywhere, like that for my son. This world is made up of more people scared and uncomfortable around him than those who actually care and reach out to him, no matter what. But for one week, he was the kid everyone wanted to be with, the kid to get to know and play with. For one week he was "normal". This place wanted him there, and they showed such a love to him that little miss wordy here can't even begin to explain it. It was such a great glimpse into a world full of acceptance that I had never seen. A world like that, on a daily basis, full of that sincere of love, was the most powerful thing I ever experienced, and I am not the same person I was. It was more than inspiring. What a different place this world could be!! Knowing that there are 200+ 14 to 18 year olds out there with that kind of love in them, sure gave me a hope like no other.

And Anthony? He says he'll go back, that Chase is his buddy, and he even acts more like... a guy. I can tell he's been hanging with "the guys" for a week. It's truly taking my breath away. It was so cool to see him high 5 all these guys as we were leaving, the hugs, the "later dude"s. I had no idea that this would turn out the way it did. I half-expected them to call me to come back to get him. I never expected to be so touched and affected.

There were really just too many blessings to count.

I have to go tend to my little "gifts" now. So I'll blog about me and Shaun on the next one.