The Path I Choose

Every year, it's the same. I feel an excitement towards the New Year like no other. Even more than my own birthday, I fill with anticipation with what can be, what will be, and who I could become. I usually also look forward to "ending" the previous year. Like a ritual of closure, I say goodbye to past pain, hurt, loss and failure. And I look forward with hope to happiness, joy, peace and success.

Every year I do the resolution thing, like everyone else. I hope for brighter days, losing the weight, writing the book. Achieving all my dreams, big or small. And, like everyone else, I usually trail off by March or so. Not because I don't want to keep them, I just let other things come between those hopes and me. I follow the path I'm more used to, the chaotic path of everyday life. The kids, the laundry, the bills, there is always something. And there always will be something.

As I have grown over this past year I have realized some things that have made a major impact on my future this year.

One - Every day has a "midnight". Those hopes and dreams can be renewed daily, those goals have a chance every day to be met. I can start my days with that same anticipation I feel at the beginning of the year.

Two - You have time for what you MAKE time for. I have a busy life, but is it effective? Doing things and being busy, doesn't always mean being productive. There is a big difference.

Three - There is really only one thing that ever gets in my way of my dreams. It's not my kids's schedule, or Shaun's, it's not the bills or the laundry, it's not the doctors or therapists or teachers, it's not anything. But Me. I am the only one who stands in my own way. I just use the rest as really "understandable" and great excuses.

So this year, I have one dream, one resolution, one hope.

To get out of my own way.

So I can lose the weight, so I can make my home "homey", so I can make the people in my life feel special, so I can make a difference, and so I can write the book.

So that my days look like this picture.

A path with curves- I will have ups and downs. A path with color- I will see the beauty in my days. A path with wonder- of what will come and what will be. A path with momentum- I will keep going. And finally- a path without me standing in the middle.

The Books that Changed it All

I have been ridiculed for my choices of books by many people in my life.

I like books that help me learn to be a better person.

I don't necessarily read "self-help" books, (they usually just cause me to "help myself" to a load of guilt and disappointment) but I do read books on parenting, marriage and life. Those are my life. I am a mother, a wife, and a woman. I went to college for psychology, read a ton of books for that - how is this any different? No, I don't get paid, but I am giving myself a PhD. in this. I want to do it well.

Recently I began reading a few great books.

I read the Shack, and I started to free myself of the legalism pitfall of Christianity. I stopped trying to please God with a checklist of being a "good Christian woman". I began to see God as a friend, someone to get me through this crazy life, and not as someone I have to impress. I realized a very freeing thought - I don't have to worry about "being" good, I just have to, each day, DO something good. Doing good things helped me let go of the "checklist" and give myself freedom in each situation I was faced with. It gave me a choice, instead of forcing judgement on myself so many times a day.

Then, I read "Eat, Pray, Love". This book brought me closer to myself. I realized that crazy, run-around thoughts in my head can be normal. Well, common - but definitely not crazy. this woman worked through a year of defining herself, on her own, not by the standards of the world. She helped me ask questions of myself that needed to be asked. Am I living the way I want? Am I self-respecting, self-nurturing, and in touch with my own wants, dreams, and desires? Without being selfish. Unlike the author, I do have a marriage and three children to care for. Can I even discover these things about myself without sounding self-absorbed? I have discovered, at the very least one answer - That I MUST ask and answer these things about me. And as a plus, in doing so, I will be a better mother and wife.

But then I got a hold of the book that all the others have prepared me for. I am reading "Women, God and Food". This book has lit up every fire in me that was iver put out due to life, circumstances and change. I feel lighter, more calm, and even blissful. My life will NEVER be the same. I am beginning to see the amazing power of self acceptance and self-respect. Better yet, I am beginning to FEEL it. I had a day of ordinary things, but felt extrordinary in it. I felt freedom and joy, I felt love and contentment. I had a day, without judgement and self-loathing. I had fun. I had hope. I had me. For a day, I had what I have dreamed about for years - the acceptance of myself. As I am.

And for once - I do not feel the need to change myself to be better.
I feel the need to break through to be the me I always was, but never let exist.

This is why I read the books I do. Because being happy in this life, no matter what it throws at you, is worth the investment of doing what it takes to find true happiness. It's always been there - why NOT go after it?

My Gambling Problem

This is my baby.

One of my all-time favorite pictures of us.

He changes my life, everyday.

I have a dream.

To one day write a book.

Well, actually, publish a book.

I get a few ideas here and there. I really hope to do it one day.

For the fun of it, I'll share an idea I had today.

If I were to write a book that would include the following story, it would be entitled...

"My Life as a Poker Mom - Dealing with the Cards."

(Or something like that.)

A few months ago I shared our story of Anthony's upcoming surgery. Which was scheduled for Monday. After the news, I resolved to quit my housecleaning job, make a "recovery - friendly" home (since we just moved), prepare for childcare and get ready for a week in the hospital and 8 weeks with him in a cast and a year of therapy. And so we set out.

But, "just in case", we scheduled an appointment for a second opinion, as this surgery and recovery is very serious. Many encouraged this. I wondered.

I wondered... why go through a second appointment to hear the same news.

Or worse... what if they say NOT to do the surgery.

We went through major tests, x-rays and measurements. This surgeon never wanted to do any surgery until after those tests were done. I figured they proved serious enough to change his mind and it was a done deal.

But... against my better judgement, I rolled the dice and made the 2nd appointment.

I mean... what are the odds that his co-worker would disagree with him?

Pretty high I guess.

Not only did he think that Anthony didn't need the surgery, but that if he did, he would choose a totally different one.

What kind of "hand" is this?

Do we roll the dice again on a third opinion?

And do what, break the tie? No thanks.

I'm in a big enough tailspin.

This is my kid.

One doctor says it will affect the severity of his future arthritis (which is a given anyway).

One doctor says his hip won't actually pop out, unless he falls really hard.

One doctor says that he could just be used to the pain he is in and can't tell us about it.

One doctor thinks if we do it now, he will heal faster, another says one leg could grow longer than the other if we do it now.

And sooo many other things, no need to repeat them all.

I don't know WHO I would lay my money on. (If I had any.)

But this is my kid.

So we now have 4 doctors involved, his pediatrician and DS specialist got copies of the reports and are waging in too.

Since the stakes are so high and no one can place a sure bet here, we have decided to postpone the surgery, if at all, or if even the same one, until the fall.

We need to monitor him much more and make more accurate observations for how it affects his daily function, before we can be sure that this surgery is right for him ... or not.

So we wait, and watch,

and pick up the cards we are dealt.

And we try to gamble on how this leg will affect a future none of us can predict.

I am reminded of a song I used to sing when I was a little girl

in the backseat of the car along with my parents...

I will need to "know when hold 'em, and know when to fold 'em.

Know when to walk away, know when to run".

I have a gambling problem.

First of all, I don't play, I can't keep track of all the rules and I am in over my head.

(Can't you tell, I am making references to cards AND dice.

- Much like my parenting - I have no idea what I am doing.)

I want to "know", that if we put Anthony through this, he will get the big payout.

I want a sure thing.

Do we "walk away"?

I want to "run".

This is my baby.

How does any parent actually choose this?

And so begins the "shuffle".

Anybody know where I can find the rule book?

Reading Between the (Vacuum) Lines

I am about to admit something I have only shared with family and few friends. I guess I am a little embarrassed, but to share what I have learned, I must share how I have learned it.

I am...
a cleaning lady.

After Shaun lost his job, I began searching for a job, anything to make an income. I have about four jobs, three I only do once in a while. But my main job is that of cleaning people's homes. I have six now.

Although I STILL HATE the loading and unloading of my things into these kind people's homes - I guess because it is so obvious then, I have come to really enjoy this work. Well, I certainly don't hate it.

It's not my career path, but it is a fantastic job.

It has taught me some really wonderful things...

*Cleaning for 3 to 4 hours counts as a great workout.
*Time alone is so very precious.
*Listening to Steven Covey on your MP3 player can change your life.
*Music makes the job go faster.
*The right music can make ME go faster.
*There is great satisfaction in a job that is "done."
*Soul -searching happens inevitably.
*Cleaning ANY house without interruption is awesome.
*Making someone's day is worth more than they pay me.
*(Although) They pay me pretty good.
*The challenge is not to clean the home, the challenge is to clean the already clean home.
*A person's book collection is very revealing.
*The priorities of a person shows in their home as well.


But, the most amazing thing I have found in this endevour is... me.

This job has become like therapy for me.

Being a hard worker is very rewarding,
working hard gets your endorphins going,
and that much thinking time has put me in touch with a lot of feelings, realizations, and has forced me to go through some much needed healing. I have been known to leave my favorite house in tears many times. There's just something about that house that brings me closer to my own truths.

At first I hid from my kids who some of my clients were. Especially since one of them is my daughter's teacher. I had even asked her teacher to keep it a secret too (I didn't want the kids to have a reason to tease her). But then, while cleaning one day, I realized all I was doing was teaching my daughter that some jobs are better than others, and worse, to be ashamed of her mother. So, now it's in the open, and she thinks it's cool. (Gotta love fourth grade thought processes). And I am learning how to give myself worth.

I am also coming face to face with my need for other's approval and acceptance. I don't get that with this job. My only guess that they like it is that they pay me to do it, and have me come back. I have to tell myself I did a good job before I leave, and then rely on my own opinion and make my own decisions. That, however small, is a healing thing too.

I feel like I am getting to know who I am, my likes and dislikes, my goals, my dreams, my standards, even my purpose. I don't know it all yet, but I am enjoying the process.

Somewhere between those vacuum lines and polished sinks lie my heartaches, my pain, and my old self. And in the darkest of places I am discovering my new self. Actually, my real self.

This isn't the job I will do forever, but without it I wouldn't, and couldn't, be deciding my future the way I am. I am ever so thankful for the work, the income, and the insights I am getting from the experiences. Whatever I do in the future, I will know it will be the right thing for me. Because I have had nothing to do but think about it.

And in so many ways, I know that someday, when I look in the mirror - before and after I clean it - I will be happy with the woman I see.

(Don't) Leave it to the Professionals

After having Anthony, and realizing I had no idea what I was getting into, I looked to the "professionals" to guide us.

Well, initially.

Somewhere along the line I let "guidance" become "rule".

One of the most valuable life lessons I have learned from my son - you can't let someone else rule your life.

Most common sense reason is that they don't live your life, so why let them run it?

I have tried for years to do everything everyone told us to do. It has exhausted me. Most of the time I would look at the "to do" list from each therapist and doctor, and feel too overwhelmed to do any of it. And most days wouldn't. Doing the "flashcard" thing with letters, numbers, clocks, colors, and shapes has it's place. But if you are not careful - you can hit the very slippery slope of losing the role of "mother" to "therapist". And it completely zaps you. They all want so much. And for years, I gave as much as I could for their sake.

But I have turned a new leaf.

I have realized that these "professionals" aren't to be confused with "experts". And that searching out experts isn't the answer either.

Unless you are looking in the mirror.

You know who actually knows Anthony - me.

You know who actually loves Anthony - me.

You know who truly wants the best for him - me.

You know who can never quit, move to a new clinic, and switch professions - me.

As a mother, as any mother, we want the best for our kids. Many of us will read, go to speakers, catch an episode of Supernanny now and then, we can essentially walk our own paths.

But when you are a mom with a child with special needs, you don't even have to pick - the professionals just come and get you, tell you what to do, unwittingly scare you into doing it "for him to reach his potential". And in the unknown we find ourselves in - we do our damn-dest to follow through.

And if you are cursed with perfectionism, or double-whammied with people-pleasing like me, you can wear yourself out pretty fast - and completely forget that you have a half a mind to do a pretty damn good job with or without the "professionals". Because they DON'T always know what's best.

MOMS - (including myself)

Don't sell yourself short.

Think about what you want for your child and make your own path.

Take "advice" from those more experienced.

But never put them in front of your own heart.

Because, before any of "them", there was you.

All nine months, it was you.

Through the delivery, it was you.

Through those warm moments when they put that child in your arms, it was you.

Before the "diagnosis", it was you.

Before the charts, the tests, the bloodwork, the therapies and the doctors - IT WAS YOU.

And YOU will always be there.

Through the first steps, the first words, and the first day of school.

Through the skinned knee, the hurt feelings, and the sick days.

Through the school plays, the homecomings and proms.

Through the graduations, the first jobs, and first homes.

Possibly through their entire time on this Earth.

It will be you.

The "professionals" will come and go, their roles will change as your child does, and they will always tell you to do something more - that's kind of their job.

But You - you will be your child's constant.

You will be their source of love and respect.

You will be their example of courage and honor.

So do them proud.

Be their mom - You are the expert.

For their sake.

I say this mostly to myself - because for too long I have let others dictate my life, and I let it spill into my parenting. However innocent it was in the beginning, when I was scared and didn't know what to do, when it was easier to look to others for knowledge than within myself. It's not that way anymore. I am now a new person, and I am writing the rest of "my story". I am not scared anymore.

I am making my own path now.

I still have my "to-do" lists.

But now I actually write them.

And I am blessed to be having a lot more fun with my son... and my daughters.

Because now, with the assistance of a few select professionals, I am MOM first.

And I am the "expert"on Anthony.

Do Angels get overtime?

This is one of my all-time favorite photos. So angelic.

This is me, my dad, and Anthony while he was still in the NICU.

Yep, a peanut.

He lived there for the first 3 weeks of his life. So tiny (4 lbs. 12 oz.).

I had no idea back then what life would be like for us. Now 11 years I look back at this photo with such a fullness in my heart. I still remember all too well how scared I was, how fearful we all were. The unknown is soo...dark.

The thing I love about this picture, actually there are quite a few things.

That's my dad. The coolest man in my life. He's been there for the whole thing. There isn't a moment I don't remember the amazing love of that man.

Also, that's my son, my first baby, the one who has changed me into the woman and mother I am.

But the thing I want you to take notice of with this post is that light.

The beaming light coming in over our shoulders and onto Anthony.

Before, as I looked at that light I used to think; "it's the only shot I got that shows you how bright the angels are that watch over our little guy."

Today, I am wondering if there might be more than one.

Why can't he just stay little like this?
It would be so much easier.


Fast forward now.

To why I am grateful that our children are blessed with guardian angels,
and why I am sure that Anthony has more than one.


See this shot - This is why "Fireproof" has a whole new meaning in our house.
This occurred last Fall after Anthony watched us start our first fire in our new fireplace.
He is so observant.

We began with crumpling the newspaper, laying on the kindling, and lighting the matches. Did I mention Anthony loves fire? So the next day while I went to get Emma from pre-school, and Shaun was home working and taking care of Anthony who was home from school that day, he got an "idea". I was tempted to call up his old cub scout leader to see if he just earned his fire badge. But he did it exactly right. The newspaper, the wood, the matches. Well, not exactly right - he started it on the floor instead of the fireplace. Shaun got that funny feeling that something was up with Anthony, you know, when it's "too" quiet. Halfway down the stairs to check on him, the fire alarm goes off. Shaun hits the basement with the alarm sounding, Anthony under the coffee table, and the fire blazing on the floor. After putting it out, shutting off the alarm and getting Anthony out from under the table to see if he's all right, he takes a moment to take stock of what just happened. As he looks around, he counts 22 lit matches. 22!!!!
And not a mark on Anthony. Anywhere.

Do you believe in Angels?

Not sure?
Let's try again.

Today Anthony had another "idea".

I wish I had a photo of this, but you'll just have to use your imagination. As I was making dinner, Anthony went out to play. Not super comfortable with that all the time, but figured he'd be okay for a bit. I didn't want to burn dinner, again. So then, I was dishing up everyone's plates and talking with the girls when I remembered he headed out there just a few moments ago. So I asked Bella to head outside to get him for dinner. She came back in a hurry, and with the all too familiar panic in her voice says "I can't find him anywhere". So with a sigh of "here we go again", we all 3 head out. Except when I get out there, I don't see him either. Now I am in a panic.
My head races- "do I run to the park, the neighbor's, how long do I look before I call the police..." . Apparently this panic looks familiar to the neighbor as well, as she hollers from across the street - "Are you looking for Anthony?"
I think to myself- "yes, the search won't be long." I reply back, "Yes-have you seen him?"

She says "Yes, he went that way, to the backyard."
"With the lawn mower".
"And it's running".

"WHAT?!!!"
Well, this is an introduction to a new kind of panic as I run off to the backyard and follow the "path" in the grass. Yep, there he is. "Mowing the lawn." I run like I never have (I'll have to use this as a visualization for my next 5K). Anyway, I scared him when I came up behind him and he looked up at me.
OHH, did I want to yell at him. He could have....I didn't even want to think about it.

But then I saw his face.

He was beaming!
He was sooooo proud of himself.
He did his hand gesture of "look what I did mom",
and then signs that he is a "big boy" and "just like dad".

I couldn't do it. I couldn't yell at him. I just was struck in my heart to only say,
"wow, Anthony. You did it all by your self!! You are a big boy to mow the lawn!"
I think he grew an inch right there.

I could have, as the total freaked out mom that I was,
crushed him down with what I could have said, what I wanted to say.
But instead, I calmly told him that he was awesome. And that next time he should let mom or dad watch him because it was a big job to see. And that now we will put it away and go eat dinner. He wasn't happy about that very much, but he did get to "park it".

And as we pushed it up the hill, I thanked God for those Angels of his.

Now I was sure he has two.
They gotta take shifts with this one.

And as we went inside,
I hid the key to the lawn mower.

Right next to the matches.

The Perfect Friend

I have this friend. She is amazing and I have to tell you about her.

She is beautiful! Inside and out!

She is confident.

Her character is strong.

She sends me the nicest emails, the sweetest cards and the most thoughtful gifts.

Where others have mocked my reading choices, she sends me more for my collection.

She enjoys being in the moment with her children.

Her home has a calming effect when you walk in.

Her listening skills and advice are therapeutic.

She is Godly, and encourages my Faith Walk.

She calms me down when I am angry.

She holds me when I cry.

She makes me laugh when I am down.

She changes my perspective when I feel hurt or alone.

She calls to check in on me.

She remembers my birthday.

With her encouraging words, I feel like a great mom and that I can truly handle anything that comes my way.

She inspires me to be ME.

She reminds me to care for myself when I forget to.

She knows just what to say, and when to say it.

Being in her presence makes me feel peaceful.

She accepts me, my husband, and ALL 3 of my kids.

She makes me feel talented, and encourages all of my efforts to practice my skills.

She says it like it is...with respect.

She doesn't try to be anybody else.

She sweeps in and helps me.

I have forgotten how to even ask for help, but she sees the needs I have,

and just rescues me before I can catch my breath to thank her.

She gives me hope, patience, and love.

She gives me wisdom in caring for my children now that hers are older,

and with her younger ones, she shows me how to appreciate the time I have with my kids.

And reminds me of how fast the time goes.

She has a simple life that focuses on the things that truly matter.

She takes care of herself.

All of these things make her the most important in my life. Because without her, I am not me. I have no goals, and I have no appreciation. She gives me all the support I could ever need at the times I need it. I don't know what I do without her.

She is perfect.

But she doesn't exist.

Well, she does, but not as one person.

My "perfect" friend is a number of friends that I have been blessed with in my life. They have come in, they have gone out, some have been complete strangers, and some are lifelong sisters. All of them were put into my life to add to it. To help me define me, to inspire me to grow, and to teach me. She has educated me about what really matters, and who really matters. She is simple and she is grand.

But see, she is not perfect. Because "she" is many. It takes a number of people at a number of moments in our lives to make those impacts. And they do. But no one person can be all of these things for another person. She would be amazing, but she wouldn't have a life of her own. She would be everything to everyone... else.

Here is the one perfect lesson I have learned through her though:

I can stop trying to be her.

I can be what I can to who I can, when they need me to. But I can stop trying to be everything for everyone else, I can stop trying to be perfect. I can breathe.

When I am needed as a friend, a wife, a mother, a daughter, and a sister I can answer the call. And when I need to be me -
She has given me the permission to do that too.

God love her.


A special thank you to all of you who have helped to mold me into who I am. I only pray that I can touch your lives the way you have touched mine. I wouldn't be here without you.

And since I am a "work in progress" I look forward to talking to you soon.

Poker Mom

Life.

It can be...

a beach.

a bitch.

or like a box of chocolates.

Well, I think mine is like a poker game.

Each day, sometimes each moment, I am dealt a new hand.

Sometimes I get a "pair". It could be "aces" like when the girls work together to get Anthony through a rough time. Yesterday we went to Como zoo and he wouldn't get out of the car. Together I just watched the two of them go through all kinds of ideas and suggestions to get him through it and out of the car. And they did.

Somtimes I get a "run". Actually, I just run. I run to doctor's appointments, the grocery store, therapy centers, the post office, school, many others, and if I am lucky... I run to the cabin.

Sometimes I get a "flush". Now one of my favorite sounds- is when I send Anthony to the bathroom, and I get a "flush". Since he is now 11 and he first went potty on the toilet when he was 2, I have officially been potty training for 9 years. We are doing great now. As long as I remind him to go, he gets there, and he stays dry all day and night. He is now even wearing underwear!! The "Royal Flush" is a "you know what" in the toilet, that I don't have to change.

Sometimes I get a "full house". This can be when we actually do have a full house with all five of us, maybe some friends and family visiting too. But mostly, it's when I have all 3 kids needing something at the same time, the phone is ringing, the paperwork is calling me, and the dinner is about to burn.

Sometimes I get a "straight". Or, more appropriately, I keep our life straight. All the appointments, bills, paperwork, doctors, teachers, homework, meals, laundry, cleaning, jobs, activities and schedules. I work very hard to keep it all straight.

Emma is usually my "joker" as our comedic relief.

The "odds" are almost never in my favor.

Every activity can pose to be a "longshot".
Especially when Anthony will take off one direction, and the girls go the other in a largely public place and I have to decide, QUICK, which way to go.

I am always "an active player". But I am pretty sure I don't get a lot of chances to be the dealer. A lot of my days would not be this "dealer's choice."

I may not want to be somedays, but I am "all-in".

The therapists, doctors, and teachers keep raising the "ante".

Thanks to a lot of reading and online research,

I do have an "edge" over some other players I know.

Since I have 4 jobs starting this Fall, house cleaning, daycare, babysitting and a standardized patient at Northwestern college - I am officially a "jack" of all trades. (and the master at none.)

There are a lot of days I want to just "fold". But I can't even "pass".

This is my job, my life, and actually my choice to stay in the game. I could quit, a lot of people do.

But I can't. I just can't.

I might not get dealt a very good hand on a day to day basis,

and I am pretty sure I am not always working with a full deck.

The real "deal" is that most of the time I don't even know how to play and if I do anything right, some could "call it" "Beginners Luck".

But my kids are "three of a kind". They make the game worth it.

So all my "chips" are always on the table.

I have a "legitimate hand".

And my only "poker face" is a smile.

What a compliment!!

Back in April I went to a conference of Dr. Tim Kimmel's. He is a writer and has sold over 750,000 books. I think his philosophies of raising children is amazing and has changed my life, and the lives of my kids. After the conference I got an email asking for feedback for the conference. If you scroll down I wrote a story about an incident and breakthrough with Anthony. Well, I sent in that same story as my feedback. I had totally forgotten about it until I got an email just the other day.

Dr. Tim Kimmel himself liked the story so much that he read it to his staff and his board of directors. I guess all were very moved by my story. This email was asking my permission to use the story in future presentations!! Dr. Tim Kimmel wanted MY story!!!!!! I couldn't believe it.

I have loved writing for years, and many people have blessed me with their comments about how they like what I write too. I have been challenged by many to write a book. Often I think about it, and I browse through the bookstores and I think - How could I ever get a book off these shelves??? Everybody writes a book these days!! And there isn't a story that hasn't been told it seems like.

I always felt so discouraged. But now, with the huge compliment from a writer I respect so very much, I feel more than encouraged. I might actually be able to do it!

Now - if only I could figure out what to write about. Mmm??