And then there was One.

Last week was a big week across Minnesota.

The first day of school. Backpacks, pencils, new shoes and one of the few pictures I take these days that visually records the growth of my children from year to year.

This is quite a year for our family. We moved the girls to the same school as Anthony. And even though I was pretty uneasy about the move for the girls - it has turned out to be the best thing we could have done! I knew it would be more convenient for us, but I had NO idea how completely wonderful it would be. To have them all in one place. To hear that they see each other now and then, to hear about the teachers and what they are doing. I just absolutely love it.

This is our first day...

We have 2 fifth graders and a 1st grader.

This year is big for another reason.

Emma is full time now.

She was afternoon kindergarten last year, but now they are all there, all together, all day.

And now it's just me.

After 10 years... it's just me.

I know I should be thrilled. Lots of other people envy my "freedom" and "time to myself".

But I am not.

I am getting things done, things that have been on my to do list for years, and it's nice I guess. But this is just so wierd.

I have cried here and there, but not too bad. I miss them, but I am so very happy for what they are doing and embarking on in their lives that I can't be too sad about it.

I just didn't know it would be like this.

I went to Target last week and saw all these moms with their little ones in the carts. Some were in their jammies, some had red lips and faces from a slushie, some were looking at the halloween light up attractions, and some were looking at books with goldfish cracker crumbs on their shirts.

And I got sad.

I got sad because that's not me anymore.

I thought of all the times I had just wished for them to sit still in the cart so I could just be done, just look quick at the halloween stuff because we had to get going, just eat another cracker and look at the cow jump over the moon while I go over my list.

And now I watch.

Just me and my cart going up and down the aisles with my list. A list that used to have little scribbles on it from some little one's hand, and it's just my own now.

And I try to let go of that time in my life, in their lives, and I try not to cry.

Oh how I wish I could tell these moms to slow down and treasure this time.

Don't wish for the time when they are gone, don't hurry them up,

don't "can't wait" for when they can...

Enjoy it now, because once it's gone, it really is gone.

There is no going back.

One day Goodnight moon will be replaced with chapter books, goldfish crackers with gum, and red slushie lips with lipstick. And you'll wonder why you wished it to happen faster, because even though other moms told you it would go fast, you just really didn't get it until it was too late.

After 10 years, now I shop alone, I eat alone, I read alone, I have full phone conversations, and I finish things.

And I feel alone.

I greive for afternoon naps on the couch, for simple stories, for learning about colors and new words, and for games of Candyland.

I should be thrilled, but I am not there yet. Maybe in the weeks to come. For now I will try to adjust, try to enjoy, try not to cry, and try to see what the future holds for me next.

For every thing there is a season. And I suppose the seasons are changing for me.

Counting the Blessings

I couldn't have planned a better week of vacation.

In fact, I didn't really even plan this one.



About 18 months ago I heard about this camp. Totally forgot about it, and then was reminded of it at the gym one day while watching a re-run of Extreme Home Makeover - where they were remodeling the home of this couple and some of the camp buildings of Camp Barnabas. This couple started a camp for kids with special needs to get the "camp experience", with the added twist of being treated with a kind of love you just don't see enough of. This place is based on the premise that different is normal, and normal is different. I remembered that this place let siblings go too, so when I got home I called.



I count blessing #1 - the info, #2 - the airing of an old episode I can't even find on you tube to show Shaun, and #3 - the off chance that I was at the gym to see it.



Blessing #4 came when I realized that this place books up a year in advance and we were only six months out for one of the 2 most popular weeks of the entire camp summer - when siblings are welcome too. AND we got the last 2 spots!!



Blessing #5 was the fact that we also received a partial scholarship so that they could attend, as we were trying to sell the house at the time.



Blessing #6 was that everyone was well enough to go, especially since Bella got sick just 3 days before we left.



Blessing #7 was Shaun getting all the time off from work. Maybe that is more like 3 blessings.



Blessing #10 was a free hotel from a friend for one night.



Blessing # 11 was Shaun's bonus check that finally came in days before we left.



Blessing #12 was the free stay at a condo in Lutsen, MN from a guy Shaun knows. This is the only reason we would make the trip from Missouri to Lutsen and back. (It really was more cost efffective.)

There really are too many blessings to count. This list goes on and on. And we all had such an amazing time.

Emma's trip could be referred to as The Catch of the Day. Each day she caught some great times. She caught a movie, she caught fish, she caught frogs and minnows, she caught a ride on a tube behind a jet ski, she caught a nap here and there, she caught a ride in grandpa's semi truck, she had to catch her breath after Uncle Chad took her on a huge scooter ride to a park where they played and caught a game of kickball - and then scootered all the way back. And she scored an ice cream cone for lunch with grandpa. She had a great time, but was more than thrilled to be back with her family and as it turns out - having a brother and sister is pretty great!

Bella had a fabulous time. After we got Anthony settled, we went to see her at her cabin and she was already moving in. She was so excited. Although I heard more about the animals at the petting zoo, the horses she rode and the dogs that lived there than any names of other girls, she still talked more than I have ever heard her go on. She made some friends and can't wait for her sister to come next year because they might be in the same cabin. She had a great first experience and is very excited to go back.

Anthony's trip was more amazing than I could find words for. He really did NOT want to be there at all. We tried everything, books, pictures, encouragement, our own excitement - nothing worked. While waiting in line, he hid his face in his pillow when the camp people came to give us information and get our campers names. Yet, these people just kept telling Anthony how happy they were that he was there and how they couldn't wait for him to have so much fun. No one seemed at all thrown by his obvious discontenment.

As we pulled in to the drop off, the volunteers were all yelling and cheering on each camper as they arrived, like 200 of them. I got panicked as I heard them from 4 cars back, because I knew that would push Anthony over the edge. But instead, as we pulled in, the entire crowd was down to barely a whisper and were doing the sign language applause (waving of the hands in the air). Somewhere I must have written down his fear of loud noises. The tears started there - I was in awe.

It was SUCH a nice gesture and thought - but it didn't help him at all.

As his CIA approached, a 16 year old from Denver, Colorado - Chase, and one of his cabin counselors, Eric came to get him - he absolutely was NOT going with them. I offered to help. This part sucked!
I had to pull him out of the car and push him screaming and crying up the hill to his cabin as Shaun drove off to park the car and register the kids. It was 95 degrees out and this little guy isn't so little at 90 pounds of sheer terror. I got him in and talked with him and Chase and gave him more "hints" and ideas for helping Anthony.

As "goodbye time" drew near, I had all I could do to keep it together. But when this young man looked at me, with tears in his own eyes and all the sincerity in the world and said "I want you to know, I prayed for this, and I really wanted to be with your son. I can't wait to spend time with him." I was done for. So while I did all I could to fight the tears, Shaun took the time to say goodbye to Anthony. Then I was up.

At first he didn't hug back, but then he hung on for dear life. Arms tight around my neck, I asked him if he was sad. He said yes, so I told him that I would be the sad girl and he could be the happy boy, and then he looked at me and smiled. One I won't soon forget. I told him to show Chase that smile and he did. Then I could go. He asked to go home with me and dad and I assured him he would on Thursday. We did that twice and then we parted. As I walked out the door, I turned and looked back to see him talking with Chase, and the cabin mom and he seemed ok. So I got out the door - and lost it completely. I hoped in every way that I really took all his sadness, I know I didn't, but at the time it sure hurt like maybe, just maybe, I did.

I found dear Emily next. The one who comforted me prior to coming there. Apparently I am not the only mom full of concern, as she soon added me to the "mommy check-in list". They check the kids at lunch and then give the report to all the moms who call in after 2. Did I tell you how awesome this place was?

But I am a very impatient, over protective mother. So at 9:00, I called. And hoped Emily didn't answer. I got Lindsay, who said that she was standing right next to Eric, one of the cabin counselors who was then put on the phone. He answered the phone - Hello, Mrs. Hinson. Loved that. He went on to tell me Anthony was playing tag and laughing just a few minutes before I had called. I cried while trying to thank him and wished him a good night, then he says "have a blessed week." Seriously, I couldn't get over all these kind people. I told Shaun - I want to go to Camp Barnabas.

Anthony did have fun, and after a few more "mommy check-ins" I learned that while getting ready for bed, he signed "I love you" to Chase. After that, I knew all was well. And for the first time on our trip, I didn't cry before falling asleep that night.

Pick up was the best. Anthony ran to us and hugged us so tight, I swear he lifted us both up. He was so excited after running to hug me, then running to hug Shaun, that he just ran over to this random woman behind Shaun and hugged her too. Then he realized he didn't know her and ran over to us and we all hugged again. He and Chase showed us their little hand jive thing they had going and they hugged too. Chase, whose time at camp was also his first, thanked us for Anthony being there, how he changed his life and even wanted to request to be together again next year. After that drop off, I was suprised Anthony didn't have a different CIA when we came back.

I was so stunned by this place, and this young man. This has been the most amazing thing I have ever seen for Anthony. One place where over 200 people were so thrilled he was there and so happy to meet him. Like he was this gift, just for them.

It hit me like a ton of bricks.
I haven't stopped crying since.
If you call me to ask more about it, you'll get a crackling voice.

There isn't a place, anywhere, like that for my son. This world is made up of more people scared and uncomfortable around him than those who actually care and reach out to him, no matter what. But for one week, he was the kid everyone wanted to be with, the kid to get to know and play with. For one week he was "normal". This place wanted him there, and they showed such a love to him that little miss wordy here can't even begin to explain it. It was such a great glimpse into a world full of acceptance that I had never seen. A world like that, on a daily basis, full of that sincere of love, was the most powerful thing I ever experienced, and I am not the same person I was. It was more than inspiring. What a different place this world could be!! Knowing that there are 200+ 14 to 18 year olds out there with that kind of love in them, sure gave me a hope like no other.

And Anthony? He says he'll go back, that Chase is his buddy, and he even acts more like... a guy. I can tell he's been hanging with "the guys" for a week. It's truly taking my breath away. It was so cool to see him high 5 all these guys as we were leaving, the hugs, the "later dude"s. I had no idea that this would turn out the way it did. I half-expected them to call me to come back to get him. I never expected to be so touched and affected.

There were really just too many blessings to count.

I have to go tend to my little "gifts" now. So I'll blog about me and Shaun on the next one.

Prayer Request PLEASE

For these two cuties - May they have a great time at camp!!

I am sure Bella will.

Anthony, on the other hand, that is another story.
We've been talking with Anthony about the camp, and he absolutely does NOT want to go. Every time I bring it up, he gets mad and says "no camp".



I keep trying to convince him he will have fun. We went shopping for things together, we've been packing together, Bella is putting on her best cheer and so am I, and he has done great for those things. Dad came home last night and Anthony was STILL awake. But he was SOO happy to see him, I used it to my advantage to encourage Anthony to tell Dad about the camp. He actually seemed more than happy about it while telling Dad. And dad did an awesome job acting really excited and happy for Anthony as if he was hearing all of it for the first time.



We went online and looked at pictures of the camp, the things they can do, and even watched some videos on You Tube of the events and things they do there.



With each one... "no camp!!"



I am fearful again.



What if he shuts down the whole time?

What if he just sits on the side and watches and refuses to interact the whole time?

Will he be able to do the activities after a day or two?

Will he cry?

Will he try to leave?



None of these are unfounded, he's done them all before with other things. And this thing is just so big.



Oh, did I make a mistake doing this??



I have this awful vision of them having to hold him while I "escape".

I am scared that he will be so anxious and full of fear and that he will not really understand what is going on.



And I will have to be so strong.

Because if I let one tear well up, he'll think something is bad and then he really won't stay.

I can't cry.

God help me on that one. I have to just make it to the car.



So, if you're the praying kind, please pray for strength and understanding for him. For peace and calmness too. I don't mind if he doesn't participate in everything. I just want him to relax and not be full of fear for a week.



And if Shaun and I are going to be able to relax at all, we can't have the tearful, 'don't go mom and dad' scene. Please God, please, wrap your arms around Anthony, put him with a patient and understanding CIA, and please, please, please - let him have fun.



I am working on a picture book for him that I hope to finish tonight of the things they will do, to prepare him, a countdown for him of when we will come back for him, and photos of the family in case he misses us.



I so hope it is enough. If anyone reading this has any other ideas, please let me know. Otherwise, please pray a little something for Anthony.



If he doesn't have a blast, I am okay with that. I just really, really don't want him to hate it.

Thanks! D

Bitter Sweet

The defintion of Bittersweet is the experience of both pleasure and pain simultaneously. Our family is made up of many "bittersweet" moments.

It is bittersweet that my son experiences things he should never have to, yet because he does, he touches many lives around him.

It is bittersweet that my husband is gone all the time, yet he has a job that pays well enough that I can stay home with our children.

It is bittersweet that my baby is going to attend school all day next school year, and I will be left alone. Yet she will make friends, and I will embark on the next adventure in store for me.

It is bittersweet that all my little ones are growing up. It's exciting, yet I so miss their "baby-ness".

As the end of this week approaches, bittersweet will be the theme again.

A few months ago, I signed the kids up to go to a camp. We leave on Thursday. Because Emma isn't quite old enough, she will be doing the "grandparent tour" going from my mother-in-law to my parents, and spending a day with my grandparents too.

But the other 2 are going to camp. We drop them off, in Missouri, on Friday morning and go back to get them the following Thursday.

Camp Barnabas is a Christian camp for kids with special needs and each week is devoted to a certain type of disability or cancer or other specific type of need. Two weeks out of the summer are selected for kids with cognitive disabilities AND their siblings.

So Bella and Anthony are going to camp.

They will swim, ride horses, do crafts, have themed costume parties, archery, rappelling, nature walks and rope courses and a ton of other things. They will sleep in air-conditioned cabins with their CIA's. There is a doctor and nursing staff on grounds 24/7 and they've seen and done it all.

So when I called today to make sure we were all in order, it started to hit. I cried to some lovely woman named Emily who reassured me through my tears and motherly worries, that Anthony will have fun. That the pool is at 0 depth so that he can get in gradually, that his CIA will be with him all week and that they have picture systems in place to help him know what will be coming next. I talked to her about how he will say no to everything, but that they need to keep trying to get him to do things, and she sounded as though they've dealt with so much more. I got off the phone and realized that the two things I was so worried about, were going to be fine. He really will be cared for, and he really will have fun.

But do you know what that means??

I can relax.

I haven't relaxed for 12 years.

I don't even know how to do that.

I haven't a clue how to walk away from him in the highly experienced, trained and qualified care of someone else. All I can do is cry. I can't tell if it's the experience for him that is so exciting for me, or the weight off my shoulders that is creating the waterfall I can barely see through right now. The comfort of knowing he will be understood, that his sister will be there to help, but she might not even need to. That he will make friends. That he will do things that he never has. That he will grow so much through this experience.

Do you know what CIA means? Christians In Action. How great is that? Most of these volunteers and the paid counselors have been campers themselves! They go through major training and really are equipped for my son.

I pray that they really will comfort him and that HE will relax and enjoy himself. And I pray that Bella will have as much fun as she seems so very excited to have. I worry so much less for her. There will be horses there, she will have a blast!

Driving away will be soo very bitter.

But the sweet part?

There are many of those too. Besides the kids having more activities and things to do to keep up with, my dear husband and I will be together.

Just us for 7 days. Seriously??!!!

I will get to be with the man who really does think I am talented, who really does think I'm beautiful and with all the things we could do or see between here and Missouri, really just wants to just see me. I miss him so very much.

Although he does work, he is there constantly and works so hard for us. I respect him so much for it. I know it's killing him, but he does it for us. He doesn't like anymore than I do. He leaves by 8 or 9 and doesn't come home until 11 at night every day. He had four days off in June and 2 so far in July. And I really just miss him. I really just want to look across the room and see him! I feel so blessed to get this time with him, a little guilty that the kids won't get this time with him too, but, wow, I feel so grateful.

Our honeymoon wasn't even this long. We only know that we are driving to a free condo up in Lutsen for 4 of the days. (I know, crazy, but economically, we really are saving $$) Besides, crazy works for us. We got married almost 14 years ago after dating for 2 months.

So, we'll hike, see Lake Superior, go on a canoe tour, picnic. Anything! There is only sleep and one other thing on the agenda for the week, ;). After that, it's just icing on the cake!

And then we will go get our babies and go back to the real world.

Bittersweet.

Bella's Locks of Love

Bella's been trying to grow out her hair to donate to Locks of Love. She started 4 years ago as she entered 1st grade, and now has cut it all off prior to going into fifth. Here she is with a great smile at a park we were at recently. Right before the "Big Cut".

And there it is, the new do. We all love it so much!! So cute, fun and spunky. That's my girl!

Her and her brother, he's still checking it out.

I find her to be just so beautiful. Inside and out she sparkles and shines. And that's the 'long and short of it'.

Happy 10th birthday Isabella - your fabulous!!

The Key Is...

As a parent, we all have "tricks" up our sleeves.
I think that over the years, Shaun and I have learned that tricks won't get it done.
You need the "key".

Yesterday, we took the kids to see a movie. Anthony's first movie in the theater was "Cars". That was 3 or 4 years ago. I know it came out on his birthday, but I can't remember which year. The tricks we used then was to bring Grandma and Papa and load up on pop and candy, all of which were a special treat back then, (living in Iowa). I tried again later for a birthday party, used the trick of popcorn and pop, we went into the theater and he couldn't do it. He hung on to me for dear life. He was so scared, we gave away our treats to the birthday boy and had to leave. We now know, the tricks aren't what did it. The "key" was to get there before they turn out the lights and start up the noise. Yesterday we went to "Toy Story 3", which we all loved. Bought root beer and fruit snacks, just in case. But he was fine. We got there, he was scared, but he went in and sat next to his "silly buddy boy" (he and dad's little name for each other). And he did great. He didn't even drink the pop or eat the snacks until we were in the car on the way home. He sat and waited through all the previews, (wow like 25 minutes) and when the lights went down, I half expected him to bolt, but he got excited and was ready to see Buzz and Woody light up the screen.

We have lots of others too.

The "key" to get him to focus on what you want him to do, is to make sure he knows you understand him and his wants first.

The "key" to keep him relaxed and calm is exercise.

The "key" to get him through a doctor appointment that involves a shot, is to let him know that it's coming, but he can choose to sit on mama's lap instead of having all the "helpers" ( about 5 nurses now) hold him down. Another "key" is to remind him that we can go to a restaraunt after he makes it through. (ok, so maybe that's just a plain bribe.)

The "key" to getting him through his frustrations, is to pull him aside, and let him "talk it out". (Not that we understand much of it, but once he's aired it out, he breathes better, wants to be held, and sometimes will cry, but then is fine again.)

The "key" to making him light up is to include him in cooking, he LOVES to grill, any "job" he can show his ability to be responsible. He even loves to do laundry.

Even the girls have the "key" of cheering him on to a new experience with their own "dramatic" excitement, that he tries a lot more things that Shaun and I could ever get him to do on our own.

Sometimes with all the "extra" things we do with and for him, it feels like we must carry a keychain resembling a set of janitor keys. Too many to count.

But like most of us, sometimes we can't find our keys. We look and look and look, but we just can't find them.

Tonight, like each and every day, I searched for the "key" to communicating with him. There are so many times where I feel like we are cracking the code on this, but then nights like tonight happen and remind me how far away we are from the "key".

He spent, bless his heart, 20 minutes trying to finger spell and say the words he wanted me to know. So signing and talking weren't doing it, so I went for this computer thing he has.

Honestly, I hate the thing. It's heavy, cost $3000.00 (so I'm too scared to take it anywhere) and is so complicated that I just don't see the practicality of it. His therapist thinks this will be soo very helpful for him, but I am so full of skepticism on it. He doesn't really even like it. But maybe because I don't encourage the function of it for him, he doesn't see it's benefits either.

So I go get the thing and he taps the onscreen buttons to say "I want to write". So I go get him a pen and paper. When he was finger spelling, he was doing it phonetically, which seriously cracks me up everytime b/c it's so cute, and he kept spelling "r,a,e,d" and "r, a, i, i,". So he gets his pen and paper and writes, with help from things in his room. "Road" "Anthony and mom". Then he uses the computer to get the word "lego", signs "build" and points out the "trailer" for the fire truck for us to do together.

It took over 40 minutes by the time we got it figured out through the use of sign language, pen and paper, a computer, and pictures in his room to tell me he wants to build the trailer to his legos fire truck with me tomorrow.

He is 12 now, and when it comes to getting to really know and understand our son, we still have just our tricks, and dammit, I would give anything to find the "key."

Yet for now though, the tricks work. And I cherish them. Because between all of these, he still manages to make me laugh, melt my heart, and he really does shine past that "lock" that keeps him inside.

Singing a New Song

Whew, a bullet is dodged.

Anthony had an echocardiogram today. Since last month we did an EKG and the blood draws, they did not need to be repeated. So he only needed to do an echo besides the physical exam today. Although he signed that he was scared the entire time since we left the house, he made it through. Didn't hurt that there were no shots, and that he got to watch a movie during the echo.

They got great pictures and all showed to be normal and healthy!!!!!!

The great things to come out of it:
1. We ruled out any heart problems.
2. We have a baseline record for any future concerns to compare it to.
3. There were no signs of cardiomyopathy.
4. There is nothing to indicate that he will have any onset of congenital heart conditions commonly associated with Down syndrome, ever.

5. We probably racked up enough to close out our family deductable, and can now get any surgery we think we might need for "free". Shaun's back or hip, my knees... wonder if laser eye surgery could be considered. Just kidding.

Anyway, the bummer is that we still aren't sure what is causing these episodes, so we are back to the drawing board. Funny thing about figuring out what's wrong - I didn't want it to be his heart, but knowing the problem to be able to fix it is still the goal, and now not knowing is a little frustrating. But again, it's not his heart.

When his doctor told me on Monday that this was the next step, I said that I would have rather she told me he needed more snacks. Ironically, I think we are back to that. this keeps happening at gym class, 4 hours after breakfast, and probably any drink. So I am sending a water bottle and we'll see if that works. It has never happened here, so I can't say what the surrounding circumstances are, so we'll see.

I guess I'll have to hit the internet, see what other parents have experienced.

As for today, the scary stuff is over, and we have "broke on through to the other side" (see previous post from this morning).

So, our new song is...
"If you're happy and you know it...CLAP YOUR HANDS!!!!!"

Thanks everyone for all the prayers!! Powerful stuff!!