Two for One Special

It started out as "Happy hour". The kids were playing with the neighbor kids, having a grand time. I believe "Horsie" was the name of the game. Emma was the rider, Tyler was the horse. It must have been a rodeo, but I don't think Emma made it the 8 seconds.

I was putting away the laundry when I heard Bella and the neighbor kids run in and begin yelling for me. They were all so excited and speaking at once as I came down the stairs to see what all the fuss was about. All I could make out was "Emma, blood, tooth, and a lot of blood". I followed them over to the neighbors and there was Emma was in the care of their dear grandmother who watches over them.

They weren't kidding about the blood. There was a LOT of it. We've lost a lot of teeth in this house with three kids, but this was the most I've ever seen. Sure enough, there it was, the top front tooth, been loose for months. We were all so happy and full of yells and excitement congratulating her.

But then Edna says, that other one is about to go too. As we all calmed ourselves to see, it got very quiet. We could have heard a pin drop while we watched her wiggle it with her tongue, but instead we heard "it". We actually heard it grinding. Ugh. I tried, to no avail to yank it out, so Edna got it. Poor little Emma, her eyes were so big, but her face was so scared, and she was so quiet. So here she is, now two teeth gone, and bleeding all over the place, and she goes over and hugs Tyler for helping her get her teeth out. Tyler's head is okay, but she'll need to wash her hair.

So here is little sunshine, all cleaned up and toothless.

The neighbor boy Carson and her play FBI Agent almost every day. So, since Miss Emma was such a sport, went through such trama (boy, are her gums bruised too), and lost TWO teeth. She and her partner will have fun with the walkie talkies the tooth fairy will deliver tonight.

Mother's Day

As I watch them every day, they amaze me with their love, acceptance and joy in the other.

We spent our day in Eagan at Lebanon Hills, one of our favorite places to go,

on a Nature Hike (as we like to call them).

Bella created a "Scavenger Hunt" list and she marked off all the fun things we found. From flowers to puppies and all the tracks and animal homes in between.

Her simple joy and beauty take my breath away.

Now 6 and almost 10, these two are growing faster than I am prepared for.

Here was a burned out hollow tree, they all "just fit".

What a treasure find.

After that we went to Shaun's restaurant to eat. This mom sure doesn't want to cook that day, (or any day really). Plus, then we could see dad.

Grandma Hinson joined us for the day and we were all nostalgic of cabin campfires

as we roasted marshmallows for smores - AT the table.

WAY COOL.

And yummy.



Another wonderful day celebrating the three gifts I was honored with.

Now almost 12, 10 and 6, this day has gone from coloring and playdough

to 2 hour hikes and fires.

Can't wait til next year.

I hope all the wonderful women out there enjoyed their day.

I sure did.

Hallmark might have created it, but my kids define it.
Thanks God, for thinking enough of me,

to give me them.

De-Benched - Part 2 (See previous post)

A success!!!

Took the kids to the park tonight and played flag football, (thanks for the idea Lashawn!)

and tag.

What a blast. We all needed showers after that.

Great fun, great workout,

great to be off the bench.

I haven't laughed that hard for quite a while!!

They all were hilarious.

Confirmation and validation of a good decision:

Giggles, belly laughs, sweaty and dirty.

The best part?

When Bella, through her own belly laugh, says, with her "valley girl accent",

"See mom, you HAVE to be a kid again."

Like totally.

The De-Benched Mom

About 2 years ago, I got benched.

By my kids.

I used to be the mom who was out there playing at the park.

I helped push the swing.

Caught them when they went down the slide.

Held them up to do the monkey bars, and that handle sliding thingie.

I held their hand as they crossed the bridge,

and stood behind them as they climbed the ladder.

And then I got benched.

Now here I sit, watching, listening, on the edge of the bench waiting to see if they need me.

But they don't.

We are in a new season now.

Another phase of the "letting go" I suppose.

I remember envying those moms who sat and read a book, chit chatted with each other and shared stories, recipies, and the latest People magazine.

Now I am there.

And I don't like it at all as much as I thought I would.

Sure it's nice once in a while.

I like sitting there and watch them chase each other,

climb things they couldn't before, see them play, and hear them laugh.

But these days I find myself not feeling like talking with the other moms, I feel silly reading a book, I have no recipies, and celebrities just aren't as interesting as they used to be.

So today, I got off the bench.

Turns out - best thing I ever did.

I would love to believe I could be a homeschool mom. It's quite an incredible thing.

I would love to be able to afford to put my kids in sports activities. In fact, until recently, I have felt enormous mom guilt that I am not, since "all their friends are doing it".

So here's my new plan.

I am "De-benching"myself.

Lord knows I have a ton of weight to lose, and my best intentions of getting to the gym 12 times a month is costing me more than we can afford right now. ( I will try again next month).

And watching my kids play on organized teams is out of our league for cost, especially with 3 of them. And in the end, it's just another way to put myself back on the bench.

I thought to myself, instead of feeling like I am depriving them of this opportunity and feeling bad about it, I wondered what would happen if I spent 3 hours a week (the time I would have to find for practice times and game time for just one kid) playing with my own kids.

I am blessed enough with both a backyard and a front yard, and even a park within walking distance. What if, instead of out-sourcing it, I played soccer, basketball, baseball, and football with my kids?

For free.

What if after dinner, homework, chores- and before bath and stories - we played. They would learn teamwork, new skills, have fun, and have mom time.

And mom would get exercise-and a little more time with these kids.

It's a win-win.

I could be like a home schooling sports mom.

De-benched.

MMM?

I'll keep you posted.

Do Angels get overtime?

This is one of my all-time favorite photos. So angelic.

This is me, my dad, and Anthony while he was still in the NICU.

Yep, a peanut.

He lived there for the first 3 weeks of his life. So tiny (4 lbs. 12 oz.).

I had no idea back then what life would be like for us. Now 11 years I look back at this photo with such a fullness in my heart. I still remember all too well how scared I was, how fearful we all were. The unknown is soo...dark.

The thing I love about this picture, actually there are quite a few things.

That's my dad. The coolest man in my life. He's been there for the whole thing. There isn't a moment I don't remember the amazing love of that man.

Also, that's my son, my first baby, the one who has changed me into the woman and mother I am.

But the thing I want you to take notice of with this post is that light.

The beaming light coming in over our shoulders and onto Anthony.

Before, as I looked at that light I used to think; "it's the only shot I got that shows you how bright the angels are that watch over our little guy."

Today, I am wondering if there might be more than one.

Why can't he just stay little like this?
It would be so much easier.


Fast forward now.

To why I am grateful that our children are blessed with guardian angels,
and why I am sure that Anthony has more than one.


See this shot - This is why "Fireproof" has a whole new meaning in our house.
This occurred last Fall after Anthony watched us start our first fire in our new fireplace.
He is so observant.

We began with crumpling the newspaper, laying on the kindling, and lighting the matches. Did I mention Anthony loves fire? So the next day while I went to get Emma from pre-school, and Shaun was home working and taking care of Anthony who was home from school that day, he got an "idea". I was tempted to call up his old cub scout leader to see if he just earned his fire badge. But he did it exactly right. The newspaper, the wood, the matches. Well, not exactly right - he started it on the floor instead of the fireplace. Shaun got that funny feeling that something was up with Anthony, you know, when it's "too" quiet. Halfway down the stairs to check on him, the fire alarm goes off. Shaun hits the basement with the alarm sounding, Anthony under the coffee table, and the fire blazing on the floor. After putting it out, shutting off the alarm and getting Anthony out from under the table to see if he's all right, he takes a moment to take stock of what just happened. As he looks around, he counts 22 lit matches. 22!!!!
And not a mark on Anthony. Anywhere.

Do you believe in Angels?

Not sure?
Let's try again.

Today Anthony had another "idea".

I wish I had a photo of this, but you'll just have to use your imagination. As I was making dinner, Anthony went out to play. Not super comfortable with that all the time, but figured he'd be okay for a bit. I didn't want to burn dinner, again. So then, I was dishing up everyone's plates and talking with the girls when I remembered he headed out there just a few moments ago. So I asked Bella to head outside to get him for dinner. She came back in a hurry, and with the all too familiar panic in her voice says "I can't find him anywhere". So with a sigh of "here we go again", we all 3 head out. Except when I get out there, I don't see him either. Now I am in a panic.
My head races- "do I run to the park, the neighbor's, how long do I look before I call the police..." . Apparently this panic looks familiar to the neighbor as well, as she hollers from across the street - "Are you looking for Anthony?"
I think to myself- "yes, the search won't be long." I reply back, "Yes-have you seen him?"

She says "Yes, he went that way, to the backyard."
"With the lawn mower".
"And it's running".

"WHAT?!!!"
Well, this is an introduction to a new kind of panic as I run off to the backyard and follow the "path" in the grass. Yep, there he is. "Mowing the lawn." I run like I never have (I'll have to use this as a visualization for my next 5K). Anyway, I scared him when I came up behind him and he looked up at me.
OHH, did I want to yell at him. He could have....I didn't even want to think about it.

But then I saw his face.

He was beaming!
He was sooooo proud of himself.
He did his hand gesture of "look what I did mom",
and then signs that he is a "big boy" and "just like dad".

I couldn't do it. I couldn't yell at him. I just was struck in my heart to only say,
"wow, Anthony. You did it all by your self!! You are a big boy to mow the lawn!"
I think he grew an inch right there.

I could have, as the total freaked out mom that I was,
crushed him down with what I could have said, what I wanted to say.
But instead, I calmly told him that he was awesome. And that next time he should let mom or dad watch him because it was a big job to see. And that now we will put it away and go eat dinner. He wasn't happy about that very much, but he did get to "park it".

And as we pushed it up the hill, I thanked God for those Angels of his.

Now I was sure he has two.
They gotta take shifts with this one.

And as we went inside,
I hid the key to the lawn mower.

Right next to the matches.

Every little bit counts

So with all that has been going on here, I have really let go of myself again. Just stopped everything that was good for me in the hopes to care for others. Funny - it's just like they say- if you don't take care of yourself first, you don't have much to draw from to take care of others. So in the midst of our circumstances, I am trying again to get "back on the wagon" (which I swear just RAN ME OVER recently).

As a mom of three, and a woman, multi-tasking isn't just an option - it's survival.

So I am doubling up on everything I can to take care of myself and others.

My husband and I hardly ever see each other. What do you do when the "other woman" is a much needed source of income? Well, to stay connected we have a beer on the deck at the end of the night, we play cribbage, we use his one day off a week to do family activites, and we email or call each other. He has to work, but we can keep it from killing our relationship. And by taking care of him and us, I am a much happier person to keep on keeping on.

I started watching an incredible pastor give his messages online. His talks are moving me spiritually and last just long enough for me to do a head to toe weight lifting routine. Now 3 times a week I look forward to "working out" and gaining some great perspectives on life and how to live a happy one. Honestly, it is saving me from my circumstances, offers me hope and guides me daily in my interactions with my exhausted husband and never tired children.

I am also working on my cardio and my relationship with my girls. This week we have gone canoeing for an hour and 3 times so far this week we have gone on a "run"/bike ride. I run, they bike. Although it is 1.7 miles in distance, I hope it still counts as a good workout since we stop to look at baby toads, tiny grasshoppers, butterflies, millipedes, catepillars and feed the ducks along the way. And while canoeing we are spotting turtles, animals, herons, frogs, and snakes. I might not be burning as much in calories, but I know that even better - there are memories burning into their hearts.

I am working on living a life of patience while also trying to teach my son. We are working on his "behavior" problems and in doing so, I am learning new ways to interact with him through exercise, physical play and sensory therapies. As well as enjoying him laugh, be silly, and grow. I am also learning to go gluten-free again in order to help him even more. SO in teaching my son better alternatives, I am gaining new knowledge (good for the brain), I am getting more exercise (good for the body), and I am learning to cook better (new skill). And I am even getting to have fun and make memories with him too.

Building the relationships with my husband and kids is crucial to me. I have to do these other things too, for myself. So I feel considerably blessed that I can take care of myself in lots of ways, AND grow closer to my family at the same time.

What a lucky girl am I.

Damn - I had to blink.

See this little one? She's the adventureous one. She is small in size, but she is bigger than life in everything else. Did I ever tell you that she used to wear beaded necklaces all the time? She used to suck her thumb with all of her fingers open and out to the side. She didn't get hair until she was close to two. She could climb before she could walk. She was coloring at a year old. She would spend so much time pulling all of the books of the shelves, just so I could restack them. She used to try to stand up in the tub. I was so scared she would fall. She tells stories like nobody else. She likes to stay up at night. She thinks Jesus is a powerful man and tells me she loves me... to heaven and back again. She is 5 now and I can't believe I have to go buy her a back pack this year. I can't even see to type this through the tears.



Oh, and this one! She used to swing for hours. She loved being outside, and still does. She had a pacifier. She never ate at day care, so she nursed all night long. She gave even grandparents a hard time when they would babysit, always wanted her mama. Her first word was puppy, and she has wanted one ever since. We used to color a lot, she loved when I read to her, and she used to think laundry was fun. At least rolling around in it, and hiding under the basket. She stuck up for her brother at 4 years of age - to some 3rd grade boys. And told her friends that NO ONE laughs at her sister! (Emma was potty training and pulled her pants down in front of the school to tell me she had to go). She has profound thoughts and is very strong-willed. She will be in the 4th grade this year - 2 years to MIDDLE SCHOOL!!

And this little guy? He used to commando crawl faster than "Lightning McQueen". He sang and did the actions for Hokey Pokey before he could walk. His first word was "Papa" at age 3. He had his first taste of fresh crab on the coast when he was 18 months and still loves it. He didn't learn to nurse until he was four months old. He knew all the letters of the alphabet at 3 even though his teachers didn't believe me. He has a laugh like no one else, and always has. He is very sensitive to other people's emotions. He has always loved music and dancing...and cars. Even has a baby, he patted your back when he hugged you. I think he is closer to God than any of us. EVERY day that I pick him up from somewhere - he is SOO happy to see me. Since he was a little preschooler, he would run to me like it had been days, not hours, since we had seen each other - he still does that. He will also be 4th grade, his voice his starting to change and my boy is still a boy, but beginning to change into a young man.

When does it happen and how does it happen? It just goes so damn fast!

I swear I was just holding her and she was pulling on my hair.

It was just the other other day when he was climbing in the cupboards and throwing the tupperware on the floor...wasn't it?

I used to have to cut up her food.

We used to cut shapes out of paper.

She used to nap in my arms.

He used to fit on my lap.

I held them in my arms, nursed them, stayed up late with them, snuggled with them, calmed them, carried them, spun them around the kitchen dancing, blew up balloons for them.

When did it switch to them riding off on their bikes, reading on their own, going over to a friend's house, or talking on the phone to somebody besides grandma?

When did they become so independent?

And why, God, why did I wish for this?

For them just to sleep through the night -

and now I don't have that quiet time where I could watch them sleep.

For them to just play on their own so I could get something done -

and now I have to come up with things to do while they are gone to play with each other or friends.

Why did I wish for them to be just a little bit older?

I blinked!

And now they are 5, and 9, and 11!

I miss my babies tonight.

The ones who were just here a second ago I swear.

The ones who seemed to just visit for a bit, and now have grown into children.

I know if I don't slow down, I will be regretting missing these years too.

Because damn it, I'll blink again and they will be teenagers,

and then I'll close my eyes once more...

and they'll be gone.

Tomorrow we are having a family day.

And I will keep my eyes open and enjoy every moment of it.

So please... if you have little ones, or big ones,

Go hug them a little tighter, put the "TO DO" list down,

and savor the chance to spend a day with them.

And whatever you do:

Don't blink!

Poker Mom

Life.

It can be...

a beach.

a bitch.

or like a box of chocolates.

Well, I think mine is like a poker game.

Each day, sometimes each moment, I am dealt a new hand.

Sometimes I get a "pair". It could be "aces" like when the girls work together to get Anthony through a rough time. Yesterday we went to Como zoo and he wouldn't get out of the car. Together I just watched the two of them go through all kinds of ideas and suggestions to get him through it and out of the car. And they did.

Somtimes I get a "run". Actually, I just run. I run to doctor's appointments, the grocery store, therapy centers, the post office, school, many others, and if I am lucky... I run to the cabin.

Sometimes I get a "flush". Now one of my favorite sounds- is when I send Anthony to the bathroom, and I get a "flush". Since he is now 11 and he first went potty on the toilet when he was 2, I have officially been potty training for 9 years. We are doing great now. As long as I remind him to go, he gets there, and he stays dry all day and night. He is now even wearing underwear!! The "Royal Flush" is a "you know what" in the toilet, that I don't have to change.

Sometimes I get a "full house". This can be when we actually do have a full house with all five of us, maybe some friends and family visiting too. But mostly, it's when I have all 3 kids needing something at the same time, the phone is ringing, the paperwork is calling me, and the dinner is about to burn.

Sometimes I get a "straight". Or, more appropriately, I keep our life straight. All the appointments, bills, paperwork, doctors, teachers, homework, meals, laundry, cleaning, jobs, activities and schedules. I work very hard to keep it all straight.

Emma is usually my "joker" as our comedic relief.

The "odds" are almost never in my favor.

Every activity can pose to be a "longshot".
Especially when Anthony will take off one direction, and the girls go the other in a largely public place and I have to decide, QUICK, which way to go.

I am always "an active player". But I am pretty sure I don't get a lot of chances to be the dealer. A lot of my days would not be this "dealer's choice."

I may not want to be somedays, but I am "all-in".

The therapists, doctors, and teachers keep raising the "ante".

Thanks to a lot of reading and online research,

I do have an "edge" over some other players I know.

Since I have 4 jobs starting this Fall, house cleaning, daycare, babysitting and a standardized patient at Northwestern college - I am officially a "jack" of all trades. (and the master at none.)

There are a lot of days I want to just "fold". But I can't even "pass".

This is my job, my life, and actually my choice to stay in the game. I could quit, a lot of people do.

But I can't. I just can't.

I might not get dealt a very good hand on a day to day basis,

and I am pretty sure I am not always working with a full deck.

The real "deal" is that most of the time I don't even know how to play and if I do anything right, some could "call it" "Beginners Luck".

But my kids are "three of a kind". They make the game worth it.

So all my "chips" are always on the table.

I have a "legitimate hand".

And my only "poker face" is a smile.