Every little bit counts

So with all that has been going on here, I have really let go of myself again. Just stopped everything that was good for me in the hopes to care for others. Funny - it's just like they say- if you don't take care of yourself first, you don't have much to draw from to take care of others. So in the midst of our circumstances, I am trying again to get "back on the wagon" (which I swear just RAN ME OVER recently).

As a mom of three, and a woman, multi-tasking isn't just an option - it's survival.

So I am doubling up on everything I can to take care of myself and others.

My husband and I hardly ever see each other. What do you do when the "other woman" is a much needed source of income? Well, to stay connected we have a beer on the deck at the end of the night, we play cribbage, we use his one day off a week to do family activites, and we email or call each other. He has to work, but we can keep it from killing our relationship. And by taking care of him and us, I am a much happier person to keep on keeping on.

I started watching an incredible pastor give his messages online. His talks are moving me spiritually and last just long enough for me to do a head to toe weight lifting routine. Now 3 times a week I look forward to "working out" and gaining some great perspectives on life and how to live a happy one. Honestly, it is saving me from my circumstances, offers me hope and guides me daily in my interactions with my exhausted husband and never tired children.

I am also working on my cardio and my relationship with my girls. This week we have gone canoeing for an hour and 3 times so far this week we have gone on a "run"/bike ride. I run, they bike. Although it is 1.7 miles in distance, I hope it still counts as a good workout since we stop to look at baby toads, tiny grasshoppers, butterflies, millipedes, catepillars and feed the ducks along the way. And while canoeing we are spotting turtles, animals, herons, frogs, and snakes. I might not be burning as much in calories, but I know that even better - there are memories burning into their hearts.

I am working on living a life of patience while also trying to teach my son. We are working on his "behavior" problems and in doing so, I am learning new ways to interact with him through exercise, physical play and sensory therapies. As well as enjoying him laugh, be silly, and grow. I am also learning to go gluten-free again in order to help him even more. SO in teaching my son better alternatives, I am gaining new knowledge (good for the brain), I am getting more exercise (good for the body), and I am learning to cook better (new skill). And I am even getting to have fun and make memories with him too.

Building the relationships with my husband and kids is crucial to me. I have to do these other things too, for myself. So I feel considerably blessed that I can take care of myself in lots of ways, AND grow closer to my family at the same time.

What a lucky girl am I.

Damn - I had to blink.

See this little one? She's the adventureous one. She is small in size, but she is bigger than life in everything else. Did I ever tell you that she used to wear beaded necklaces all the time? She used to suck her thumb with all of her fingers open and out to the side. She didn't get hair until she was close to two. She could climb before she could walk. She was coloring at a year old. She would spend so much time pulling all of the books of the shelves, just so I could restack them. She used to try to stand up in the tub. I was so scared she would fall. She tells stories like nobody else. She likes to stay up at night. She thinks Jesus is a powerful man and tells me she loves me... to heaven and back again. She is 5 now and I can't believe I have to go buy her a back pack this year. I can't even see to type this through the tears.



Oh, and this one! She used to swing for hours. She loved being outside, and still does. She had a pacifier. She never ate at day care, so she nursed all night long. She gave even grandparents a hard time when they would babysit, always wanted her mama. Her first word was puppy, and she has wanted one ever since. We used to color a lot, she loved when I read to her, and she used to think laundry was fun. At least rolling around in it, and hiding under the basket. She stuck up for her brother at 4 years of age - to some 3rd grade boys. And told her friends that NO ONE laughs at her sister! (Emma was potty training and pulled her pants down in front of the school to tell me she had to go). She has profound thoughts and is very strong-willed. She will be in the 4th grade this year - 2 years to MIDDLE SCHOOL!!

And this little guy? He used to commando crawl faster than "Lightning McQueen". He sang and did the actions for Hokey Pokey before he could walk. His first word was "Papa" at age 3. He had his first taste of fresh crab on the coast when he was 18 months and still loves it. He didn't learn to nurse until he was four months old. He knew all the letters of the alphabet at 3 even though his teachers didn't believe me. He has a laugh like no one else, and always has. He is very sensitive to other people's emotions. He has always loved music and dancing...and cars. Even has a baby, he patted your back when he hugged you. I think he is closer to God than any of us. EVERY day that I pick him up from somewhere - he is SOO happy to see me. Since he was a little preschooler, he would run to me like it had been days, not hours, since we had seen each other - he still does that. He will also be 4th grade, his voice his starting to change and my boy is still a boy, but beginning to change into a young man.

When does it happen and how does it happen? It just goes so damn fast!

I swear I was just holding her and she was pulling on my hair.

It was just the other other day when he was climbing in the cupboards and throwing the tupperware on the floor...wasn't it?

I used to have to cut up her food.

We used to cut shapes out of paper.

She used to nap in my arms.

He used to fit on my lap.

I held them in my arms, nursed them, stayed up late with them, snuggled with them, calmed them, carried them, spun them around the kitchen dancing, blew up balloons for them.

When did it switch to them riding off on their bikes, reading on their own, going over to a friend's house, or talking on the phone to somebody besides grandma?

When did they become so independent?

And why, God, why did I wish for this?

For them just to sleep through the night -

and now I don't have that quiet time where I could watch them sleep.

For them to just play on their own so I could get something done -

and now I have to come up with things to do while they are gone to play with each other or friends.

Why did I wish for them to be just a little bit older?

I blinked!

And now they are 5, and 9, and 11!

I miss my babies tonight.

The ones who were just here a second ago I swear.

The ones who seemed to just visit for a bit, and now have grown into children.

I know if I don't slow down, I will be regretting missing these years too.

Because damn it, I'll blink again and they will be teenagers,

and then I'll close my eyes once more...

and they'll be gone.

Tomorrow we are having a family day.

And I will keep my eyes open and enjoy every moment of it.

So please... if you have little ones, or big ones,

Go hug them a little tighter, put the "TO DO" list down,

and savor the chance to spend a day with them.

And whatever you do:

Don't blink!

The Perfect Friend

I have this friend. She is amazing and I have to tell you about her.

She is beautiful! Inside and out!

She is confident.

Her character is strong.

She sends me the nicest emails, the sweetest cards and the most thoughtful gifts.

Where others have mocked my reading choices, she sends me more for my collection.

She enjoys being in the moment with her children.

Her home has a calming effect when you walk in.

Her listening skills and advice are therapeutic.

She is Godly, and encourages my Faith Walk.

She calms me down when I am angry.

She holds me when I cry.

She makes me laugh when I am down.

She changes my perspective when I feel hurt or alone.

She calls to check in on me.

She remembers my birthday.

With her encouraging words, I feel like a great mom and that I can truly handle anything that comes my way.

She inspires me to be ME.

She reminds me to care for myself when I forget to.

She knows just what to say, and when to say it.

Being in her presence makes me feel peaceful.

She accepts me, my husband, and ALL 3 of my kids.

She makes me feel talented, and encourages all of my efforts to practice my skills.

She says it like it is...with respect.

She doesn't try to be anybody else.

She sweeps in and helps me.

I have forgotten how to even ask for help, but she sees the needs I have,

and just rescues me before I can catch my breath to thank her.

She gives me hope, patience, and love.

She gives me wisdom in caring for my children now that hers are older,

and with her younger ones, she shows me how to appreciate the time I have with my kids.

And reminds me of how fast the time goes.

She has a simple life that focuses on the things that truly matter.

She takes care of herself.

All of these things make her the most important in my life. Because without her, I am not me. I have no goals, and I have no appreciation. She gives me all the support I could ever need at the times I need it. I don't know what I do without her.

She is perfect.

But she doesn't exist.

Well, she does, but not as one person.

My "perfect" friend is a number of friends that I have been blessed with in my life. They have come in, they have gone out, some have been complete strangers, and some are lifelong sisters. All of them were put into my life to add to it. To help me define me, to inspire me to grow, and to teach me. She has educated me about what really matters, and who really matters. She is simple and she is grand.

But see, she is not perfect. Because "she" is many. It takes a number of people at a number of moments in our lives to make those impacts. And they do. But no one person can be all of these things for another person. She would be amazing, but she wouldn't have a life of her own. She would be everything to everyone... else.

Here is the one perfect lesson I have learned through her though:

I can stop trying to be her.

I can be what I can to who I can, when they need me to. But I can stop trying to be everything for everyone else, I can stop trying to be perfect. I can breathe.

When I am needed as a friend, a wife, a mother, a daughter, and a sister I can answer the call. And when I need to be me -
She has given me the permission to do that too.

God love her.


A special thank you to all of you who have helped to mold me into who I am. I only pray that I can touch your lives the way you have touched mine. I wouldn't be here without you.

And since I am a "work in progress" I look forward to talking to you soon.

Taking the Good with the Bad

You know that saying, "taking the good with the bad".

I think it's kind of like counting your blessings when times are tough.

And as you may or may not know, times here are tough.

Sometimes they just plain suck.

So in the spirit of trying to stay positive, when at times I just want to collapse and cry, I have developed my own little comparison list of bad vs. good to see the silver lining.

Here it goes:

The Bad - Anthony's new physical therapist has a PhD. and has never heard of the "common" sleep practices of children with DS and the possible effects that may have on the poor development of his hip, knees, and feet. (He sleeps folded over in half, head resting on his feet.)

The Good - I guess I know more than some chick with her PhD.

The Bad - Although I adore his speech therapist, she doesn't do anything that much different than what I do at home.

The Good - I could make a decent speech therapist.

The Bad - My husband works 12-14 hours a day, 6-7 days a week. He isn't here to help with anything, I don't get any breaks, and I drag my kids everywhere.

The Good -I get to take my kids to the zoo, the park, hiking, fishing, the cabin and the library. I get compliments on how well behaved they are when we go to the store, bank, post office, social services office, therapy centers, restrurants, hair salons and meetings. I get to be there for every skinned knee, bad dream, first bike ride, story read, puzzle finished, and new skill.

I am becoming very independent. I am learning to master a crazy schedule, insurance companies, finances, and the weed wacker. My kids are learning to help cook, clean, do laundry, and have fun doing it. At night I can stay up on the internet, talk to my friends, read books, and watch whatever I want on TV.

The Bad-I still really miss my husband.

The Good - Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

The Bad - I know of five couples going, or have recently gone, through a divorce.

The Good - I am not one of them.

The Bad - I feel so very lonely at times.

The Good - God gave me some really great friends and family that check in on me, send me encouraging notes, and bless me daily.

The Bad - We are so broke. He took such a hit in pay for this new job. We can't afford anything.

The Good - I have been fortunate enough to start working a bunch of different jobs that come in here and there and continue to provide for us. I have found some great things to do with the kids that are free! We all are helping each other out, and enjoying ourselves. I would bet that my kids are learning some very valuable lessons in all of this that I never would have been able to teach otherwise.

The Bad - In caring for everything and everyone else, I have neglected to care for myself again. I have fallen off of my workouts and healthy eating again. Even just doing things that give me moments of happiness, for ME.

The Good - I can start again. Again.

The Bad - Our new huge TV broke.

The Good - We got all our money back, and put it towards the house payment. Just in time.

The Bad - No TV to watch.

The Good - Catching up on reading, writing, sleep, and paperwork.

The Bad - I am ALWAYS behind and never "caught up".

The Good - I am NEVER bored, and I always have something to do.

The Bad-I don't know what to do with my life to get us out of this.

The Good - I have options.

So, I guess life is really just how you look at it. I have a life that most wouldn't choose, and right now I sure in hell wouldn't. But that's only if you look at the bad. It might be crazy, but it won't last forever.

But the Good stuff? I wouln't trade a single moment of it. I guess you could call me the "lucky one", but I am pretty sure I am fresh out of luck.

But I will call myself...blessed.

Poker Mom

Life.

It can be...

a beach.

a bitch.

or like a box of chocolates.

Well, I think mine is like a poker game.

Each day, sometimes each moment, I am dealt a new hand.

Sometimes I get a "pair". It could be "aces" like when the girls work together to get Anthony through a rough time. Yesterday we went to Como zoo and he wouldn't get out of the car. Together I just watched the two of them go through all kinds of ideas and suggestions to get him through it and out of the car. And they did.

Somtimes I get a "run". Actually, I just run. I run to doctor's appointments, the grocery store, therapy centers, the post office, school, many others, and if I am lucky... I run to the cabin.

Sometimes I get a "flush". Now one of my favorite sounds- is when I send Anthony to the bathroom, and I get a "flush". Since he is now 11 and he first went potty on the toilet when he was 2, I have officially been potty training for 9 years. We are doing great now. As long as I remind him to go, he gets there, and he stays dry all day and night. He is now even wearing underwear!! The "Royal Flush" is a "you know what" in the toilet, that I don't have to change.

Sometimes I get a "full house". This can be when we actually do have a full house with all five of us, maybe some friends and family visiting too. But mostly, it's when I have all 3 kids needing something at the same time, the phone is ringing, the paperwork is calling me, and the dinner is about to burn.

Sometimes I get a "straight". Or, more appropriately, I keep our life straight. All the appointments, bills, paperwork, doctors, teachers, homework, meals, laundry, cleaning, jobs, activities and schedules. I work very hard to keep it all straight.

Emma is usually my "joker" as our comedic relief.

The "odds" are almost never in my favor.

Every activity can pose to be a "longshot".
Especially when Anthony will take off one direction, and the girls go the other in a largely public place and I have to decide, QUICK, which way to go.

I am always "an active player". But I am pretty sure I don't get a lot of chances to be the dealer. A lot of my days would not be this "dealer's choice."

I may not want to be somedays, but I am "all-in".

The therapists, doctors, and teachers keep raising the "ante".

Thanks to a lot of reading and online research,

I do have an "edge" over some other players I know.

Since I have 4 jobs starting this Fall, house cleaning, daycare, babysitting and a standardized patient at Northwestern college - I am officially a "jack" of all trades. (and the master at none.)

There are a lot of days I want to just "fold". But I can't even "pass".

This is my job, my life, and actually my choice to stay in the game. I could quit, a lot of people do.

But I can't. I just can't.

I might not get dealt a very good hand on a day to day basis,

and I am pretty sure I am not always working with a full deck.

The real "deal" is that most of the time I don't even know how to play and if I do anything right, some could "call it" "Beginners Luck".

But my kids are "three of a kind". They make the game worth it.

So all my "chips" are always on the table.

I have a "legitimate hand".

And my only "poker face" is a smile.

Now I hate going to the doctor

So, today pretty much was nuts. Today's events were not typical for us, but not the first like it, and I am sure not the last.
Here are the cliffnotes, because it is too long for even me.

5:30 am - Woke up because Bella was so excited to take the dog we are caring for this week out for her morning walk. Bella! Dressed and ready at 5:30 AM!!

6:00 am - Checked emails, read 6, sent 2.

7:00 am - Got everyone ready for the day.

8:35 am - Had a disagreement with Shaun on my way out the door to an appointment with Anthony regarding our "tone" with each other. Still gotta fix that.

8:45 am - Went to Minnetonka to see Anthony's Down syndrome specialist with Anthony and left the girls and the dog home with dad.

9:15 am - Arrived for our 9:30 appointment, thought it would take an hour at the most because we didn't have any "issues", so I made my grocery list and menu plan in the waiting room.

During the appointment found out some "issues" I wasn't prepared for, to hear, or to deal with.

• Anthony gets blood draws every six months to check for different things common to DS. Thyroid, zinc levels, IGA antibodies (for celiac disease) and other common things. Turns out his IGA levels are low and need to be closely monitored. Unfortunately, he may have a false reading so now we have to keep testing, and watch for symptoms of Celiac in order to warrant the conclusive results through an endoscopy.
• Anthony's speech concerns are heightened with his lack of social interaction and intense frustration levels and we are increasing speech therapy 2 times a week. I now need to check with insurance to cover a fancy computer that helps him communicate with others. The signing just isn't cutting it anymore. I also need to go to speech too, to be trained on how to use this thing on a day to day basis and attend a parent workshop for it. I just hope that the "cool toy" he thinks it is now, he actually uses to help himself and his connections to others.
• Because of his communication barriers and intense frustration levels, we are getting connected to an in-home behavior therapist that I need to meet with, fill out forms for, and schedule to make weekly visits to my home.
• On top of it we might need to look at "medications" for his aggitaion and irritability issues, like anti-depressents or ADHD stuff.
• Since we need to do all this, we "really should" get a county social worker - which is code for get it done before our next visit because I will be checking. FYI- The paperwork for this person to "help" our family is why I don't have time to write a real book. They want all his evaluations, his school records, birth certificate, medical history, and want to know who he lives with, when he first crawled and took his first steps, said his first word and sentence, among a million other things. Talk about time consuming.
• Oh yeah, my favorite - we now need to add physical therapy once a week to help him with his legs. Apparently his gait is quite affected and she thinks PT and new orthodics for his shoes may help. This is all in an effort to avoid a possible surgery to "correct" the problem.
• After we go see what the Orthopedic surgeon says in October when we have the x-rays done on his hips, knees and feet to locate the problem areas.

12:20 pm - We FINALLY leave the doctor's office. I have cried through most of it. Just was too overwhelming all at once. No time to get groceries. Take Anthony to lunch at McDonalds' and feel guilt over the nutrition issues with that one, but he is super happy.

1:30 pm - Stop by the house to clean the kitchen from breakfast and now lunch from Shaun and the girls, make everyone go potty, grab the coupons I clipped and forgot on the desk, and head to speech therapy. Shaun leaves for work and closes tonight. On the way, I call and get an interview for a job lined up for tomorrow.

2:00pm - Finish the grocery list, and start writing a funny tidbit as the girls look at a magazine I brought for them to keep busy with while we wait for Anthony at speech therapy.

2:45 pm - On the road, forget to stop by the PT clinic (the one we already go to for speech has no openings for PT at this time), turn around and go back, and send all the kids to the bathroom again while I set up the eval for next week.

3:30 pm - Finally get to the grocery store, I have lots of help from the little ones, peeling corn on the cob, throwing tomatoes in the cart and everything on the bread. I end up paying full price for everything because I forgot the damn coupons in the car. The kids do great, except at the end when Anthony gets slap-happy on the girls and they are all running around, fleeing and chasing. I corral them all, pay, and the bagger asks if I need help getting my stuff to the car. I thank her for her offer, let her know i can handle it, and then ask if she could come home and help me there? No go.

5:30pm - Finally get home. I have 9 voicemails and 5 emails, and 3 very hungry children. I then realize how precious they were in the store and ever so helpful, on empty stomachs during snack time and a half an hour past dinner time. I am totally whipped, and we have pizzas. I go to slice them and realize I cooked them with the cardboard still on the bottom.

6:30pm - I muster up some left over energy, and I clean all the bathrooms, vacuum and wash all the floors and do 4 loads of laundry, get the kids to bed, talk to my grandma, my mother-in-law, and dear friend from Iowa. I stay up to make a pasta and vegetable salad (that I pray doesn't suck) and cut fruit for Bella's little family birthday party with my parents and grandparents, and us which is tomorrow night. Can't bake the cake because I didn't buy the ingredients I didn't know we were out of. So I will have to do it in the morning before the little girl I do day care for shows up.

1:20 am - Call it a frickin' day and go to bed.

Gotta laugh - otherwise I'll cry.

Baby Fever...Not what it used to be.

This past weekend our family got to spend time with Shaun's mom, aunt and uncle, cousins and their children. It was a wonderful mix of delightful foods, fishing, games, late nights, laughs, and conversations in between the care of all of our children. There is a total of 10 little ones so far in this next generation, ranging from 1 month to 11 years. The time at the family cabin has changed so much for me.

When my first 2 were little, it was very hard. I always felt like I was so busy with their care that I hardly visited with anyone. I liked being there, but the work to "enjoy some relaxation" was more effort than I think it was worth sometimes and I felt left out a lot. However now, as my children are older, I am blessed with opportunites to do some in-depth visiting, creating connections to other people in the family, and even more fun...watching my children just completely enjoy themselves too. There is still a lot to do with them, but nothing like it used to be.

Now, I get to watch them, and enjoy new babies again. Two of Shaun's cousins have had 4 children between the two of them with their husbands, and I have a whole new appreciation for them and what they are going through. I watch as they look so tired, run around to the different places and activities their little ones want to see and do. I watch them as they need to run off in mid-sentence because they are needed. And I smile. Because I remember doing it myself, and because watching parents, really good parents, tend to their little ones with such dedication and commitment...is just simply, a beautiful thing.

They are so in tuned to their kids, so patient, so aware. Although I think they wish they could finish a conversation, they follow their hearts, and it leads them to help their child experience such things as water, blocks, toads, swimming, boat rides, fish, worms, sleeping in a tent, and stories before bedtime.

I admire them.

They are doing what I remember doing, but I am pretty sure they are "enjoying the relaxation" a little more than I could. Although it never really helped that Shaun was rarely with me back then. I was always glad I went, but I remember feeling more exhausted than refreshed. Shaun did make it for one of the days we were there this past weekend. And it was SOO awesome. Even though they are older, it really is still great when we are both there.

I never thought there would be a day I wouldn't want more babies, but I can say now that our family is complete. We are moving on into new adventures now that they are older and I can honestly say I don't have baby fever anymore. However, watching my own children with these little ones, made me ponder future days. Will my girls have children? What kind of mothers will they be? What kind of men will they marry? And what an incredible uncle Anthony could be. I don't have the desire to have more children myself, but watching my children grow and eventually become parents themselves is a new kind of thought. One I hope happens way down the road of course, but very exciting all the same.

Until then I get to imagine, dream, and appreciate the love I see in them when they tend to these little ones. They are just so careful and delicate with them...so precious.

So here are some pics of my kids with the two youngest in the next generation. J. Parker and Grant.

This is Emma with J.Parker. She was SOO proud. And his mommy was so tender with helping Emma to do this. This is Bella with Grant. She was just loving his snuggles and hugs, and didn't seem to mind it too much when he got a hold of her hair, knowing "that's what babies do".

And this is Anthony, the oldest of the crew, with J. P., the youngest. I know he loves babies, but he seemed to really adore this little one. He asked to hold him so many times, and was so gentle with him, so proud of himself too. I admit I had a twinge of baby fever, for just a second, when I watched his kindness, and was amazed at his clarity and amount of speech when he was holding him.

I don't know what the future holds for any of my kids as far as having children, but I love that I get to witness the compassion and peace that comes over them when they are in the presence of tiny little ones. Babies are such gifts, to people of all ages I guess.

These simple moments, as well as so many others, are reminders for me that I did truly "enjoy the relaxation".

Because as a mom, or a dad, "moments", here and there, might be all you get.