The De-Benched Mom

About 2 years ago, I got benched.

By my kids.

I used to be the mom who was out there playing at the park.

I helped push the swing.

Caught them when they went down the slide.

Held them up to do the monkey bars, and that handle sliding thingie.

I held their hand as they crossed the bridge,

and stood behind them as they climbed the ladder.

And then I got benched.

Now here I sit, watching, listening, on the edge of the bench waiting to see if they need me.

But they don't.

We are in a new season now.

Another phase of the "letting go" I suppose.

I remember envying those moms who sat and read a book, chit chatted with each other and shared stories, recipies, and the latest People magazine.

Now I am there.

And I don't like it at all as much as I thought I would.

Sure it's nice once in a while.

I like sitting there and watch them chase each other,

climb things they couldn't before, see them play, and hear them laugh.

But these days I find myself not feeling like talking with the other moms, I feel silly reading a book, I have no recipies, and celebrities just aren't as interesting as they used to be.

So today, I got off the bench.

Turns out - best thing I ever did.

I would love to believe I could be a homeschool mom. It's quite an incredible thing.

I would love to be able to afford to put my kids in sports activities. In fact, until recently, I have felt enormous mom guilt that I am not, since "all their friends are doing it".

So here's my new plan.

I am "De-benching"myself.

Lord knows I have a ton of weight to lose, and my best intentions of getting to the gym 12 times a month is costing me more than we can afford right now. ( I will try again next month).

And watching my kids play on organized teams is out of our league for cost, especially with 3 of them. And in the end, it's just another way to put myself back on the bench.

I thought to myself, instead of feeling like I am depriving them of this opportunity and feeling bad about it, I wondered what would happen if I spent 3 hours a week (the time I would have to find for practice times and game time for just one kid) playing with my own kids.

I am blessed enough with both a backyard and a front yard, and even a park within walking distance. What if, instead of out-sourcing it, I played soccer, basketball, baseball, and football with my kids?

For free.

What if after dinner, homework, chores- and before bath and stories - we played. They would learn teamwork, new skills, have fun, and have mom time.

And mom would get exercise-and a little more time with these kids.

It's a win-win.

I could be like a home schooling sports mom.

De-benched.

MMM?

I'll keep you posted.

Do Angels get overtime?

This is one of my all-time favorite photos. So angelic.

This is me, my dad, and Anthony while he was still in the NICU.

Yep, a peanut.

He lived there for the first 3 weeks of his life. So tiny (4 lbs. 12 oz.).

I had no idea back then what life would be like for us. Now 11 years I look back at this photo with such a fullness in my heart. I still remember all too well how scared I was, how fearful we all were. The unknown is soo...dark.

The thing I love about this picture, actually there are quite a few things.

That's my dad. The coolest man in my life. He's been there for the whole thing. There isn't a moment I don't remember the amazing love of that man.

Also, that's my son, my first baby, the one who has changed me into the woman and mother I am.

But the thing I want you to take notice of with this post is that light.

The beaming light coming in over our shoulders and onto Anthony.

Before, as I looked at that light I used to think; "it's the only shot I got that shows you how bright the angels are that watch over our little guy."

Today, I am wondering if there might be more than one.

Why can't he just stay little like this?
It would be so much easier.


Fast forward now.

To why I am grateful that our children are blessed with guardian angels,
and why I am sure that Anthony has more than one.


See this shot - This is why "Fireproof" has a whole new meaning in our house.
This occurred last Fall after Anthony watched us start our first fire in our new fireplace.
He is so observant.

We began with crumpling the newspaper, laying on the kindling, and lighting the matches. Did I mention Anthony loves fire? So the next day while I went to get Emma from pre-school, and Shaun was home working and taking care of Anthony who was home from school that day, he got an "idea". I was tempted to call up his old cub scout leader to see if he just earned his fire badge. But he did it exactly right. The newspaper, the wood, the matches. Well, not exactly right - he started it on the floor instead of the fireplace. Shaun got that funny feeling that something was up with Anthony, you know, when it's "too" quiet. Halfway down the stairs to check on him, the fire alarm goes off. Shaun hits the basement with the alarm sounding, Anthony under the coffee table, and the fire blazing on the floor. After putting it out, shutting off the alarm and getting Anthony out from under the table to see if he's all right, he takes a moment to take stock of what just happened. As he looks around, he counts 22 lit matches. 22!!!!
And not a mark on Anthony. Anywhere.

Do you believe in Angels?

Not sure?
Let's try again.

Today Anthony had another "idea".

I wish I had a photo of this, but you'll just have to use your imagination. As I was making dinner, Anthony went out to play. Not super comfortable with that all the time, but figured he'd be okay for a bit. I didn't want to burn dinner, again. So then, I was dishing up everyone's plates and talking with the girls when I remembered he headed out there just a few moments ago. So I asked Bella to head outside to get him for dinner. She came back in a hurry, and with the all too familiar panic in her voice says "I can't find him anywhere". So with a sigh of "here we go again", we all 3 head out. Except when I get out there, I don't see him either. Now I am in a panic.
My head races- "do I run to the park, the neighbor's, how long do I look before I call the police..." . Apparently this panic looks familiar to the neighbor as well, as she hollers from across the street - "Are you looking for Anthony?"
I think to myself- "yes, the search won't be long." I reply back, "Yes-have you seen him?"

She says "Yes, he went that way, to the backyard."
"With the lawn mower".
"And it's running".

"WHAT?!!!"
Well, this is an introduction to a new kind of panic as I run off to the backyard and follow the "path" in the grass. Yep, there he is. "Mowing the lawn." I run like I never have (I'll have to use this as a visualization for my next 5K). Anyway, I scared him when I came up behind him and he looked up at me.
OHH, did I want to yell at him. He could have....I didn't even want to think about it.

But then I saw his face.

He was beaming!
He was sooooo proud of himself.
He did his hand gesture of "look what I did mom",
and then signs that he is a "big boy" and "just like dad".

I couldn't do it. I couldn't yell at him. I just was struck in my heart to only say,
"wow, Anthony. You did it all by your self!! You are a big boy to mow the lawn!"
I think he grew an inch right there.

I could have, as the total freaked out mom that I was,
crushed him down with what I could have said, what I wanted to say.
But instead, I calmly told him that he was awesome. And that next time he should let mom or dad watch him because it was a big job to see. And that now we will put it away and go eat dinner. He wasn't happy about that very much, but he did get to "park it".

And as we pushed it up the hill, I thanked God for those Angels of his.

Now I was sure he has two.
They gotta take shifts with this one.

And as we went inside,
I hid the key to the lawn mower.

Right next to the matches.

Against the odds... and still going

A Beautiful, overdue, amazing getaway. Every couple deserves one.

Taylors Falls

My Sweetie!

My husband and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary on the 31st,

and sometimes I don't know how we have made it this far.

According to today's research and society's standards -

there are a ton (well at least 13) reasons why we shouldn't still be together.

The stats say:

ONE - Out of every 2 marriages ends in divorce.

TWO - We only dated for 2 months before he proposed. I'm sure that is not advised.

THREE - Children can add substantial stress to a marriage - we have 3.

FOUR - Experts say married couple's can keep their marriage strong by dating once a week.

We are lucky to get 4 a year.

(I don't know anyone, with kids, who can still date 4 times a month - power to you if you are!)

FIVE - The average hours of sleep we get a night. Not helping the stress/patience levels.

SIX - Our sixth anniversary was our last "couple's weekend away".

SEVEN - There's the seven-year itch. Come and gone.

EIGHT - Eight of 10 marriages with a child with a disability ends in divorce.

NINE - Moves/relocation can add major stress to a marriage, we have done it 9 times.

TEN - Only 10% of marriages where one spouse is in the restaurant industry makes it.

ELEVEN - The amount of months we were engaged and "living in sin".

TWELVE - The amount of waking hours we see each other...a week.

Not too much opportunity to move beyond just updating each other of life's events.

THIRTEEN - Another major life stress can be job changes, these can be too much for just one person, but our relationship has gone through 13 job changes between the two of us,

and we are not even done yet.

I won't say any of it is easy. Most of the time it is just too much. It really does wear on each of us. We say things we wish we could take back, we get selfish, and we miss opportunities to be loving. And there are many days, and many reasons beyond these, that each one of us has our turn at wanting to just quit. And sometimes, only knowing that we don't want to quit is all we have.

But then there are these other days.

Days that make the hard ones better than bearable. Days that feel like the first kiss, the first time we saw each other, and like we are the only two people in the world that matter. There are moments when he looks at me, or when I hear his voice, and I still get butterflies. There is excitement in my heart when he calls, or when he pulls in the driveway. There are days when he does or says something that takes my breath away and reminds me so vividly as to why I married him, and why I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

There isn't always flowers or cards, but there is always a net. The one that he holds out to catch me whenever I feel the world caving in, or our world is falling apart. The one that he holds out every time I worry about the kids, another "issue" with Anthony, or just when that "what if..." fear creeps in.

Our "like" for the other can have it's moments, but we do truly love each other. The "world", and even some people in our lives, probably think we shouldn't still be together. But God doesn't let us go. He reminds us, just when we need it, that no matter what, we are meant to be together. Sometimes it's at the last second, but it's always just in time.

Just look at my list again, there is just cause for us to have had enough.

But we are still going, God can make all things possible.

And "just 'cause" we are sticking it out.

I thank God for our recent 2 days together, and my mom who had the kids. We had the time of our lives, did some major healing of each others hearts and just had a blast together!! We went to Taylors Falls, had some great conversations and even some belly laughs.

With our recent life changes, laughs have been missed.

I also thank God for a husband who is an amazing cook!!

Gotta love a guy who can turn your kitchen table into a four star restaurant -

without the waitress always coming to ask how things are just when you take a bite.

I love you honey, I am so glad that after 13 years, and after so much, - we still "fit".

Little Lessons Learned

Today was a very productive day, got a lot done and learned quite a few things about my life today.

Just for kicks here is a top 15:

15. If you mow the lawn, and have your music blaring in your ears to hear it over the mower, you will get an earache. (And maybe need to go to Oklahoma to visit your favorite audiologist.)

14. Too much time working in the sun, without enough water is a sure fire way to bring on a headache.

13. Mowing the lawn after 2 - 3 days of rain (and a week) is a bit like mowing a field. But makes the best "vacuum lines".

12. Coloring on a blanket in the shade is very cool.

11. If I am tied up with the mower - my kids can make a healthy lunch with great cooperation all on their own. They even dished me up and cleaned up after.

10. Anthony REALLY likes mowing the lawn with me. He pushes a grass seeder/fertilizer thing right next to me the whole way. It is a favorite time for me.

9. The weed wacker is still one of my top accomplishments for the summer.

8. (I REALLY need to get out more.)

7. Fresh cut grass is a great smell.

6. So is the old stuff dried out in the bag - reminds me of baling hay with my grandpa, dad, uncles, and cousins when I was a kid.

5. Calloused hands from hard work feel better than any manicure.

4. Venting too much in a vulnerable moment of pain to the wrong person, is like throwing yourself in front of the Truck of Judgement. Never to get up again.

3. Just when I thought my life couldn't get any worse, I hear of someone else's struggle and I realize that I don't have a thing to complain about.

2. Watching movies I have already seen late at night, aren't worth the loss in sleep.

1. I am learning, sometimes the hard way, who my true friends really are.

At that was just today.

When it Rains, It Pours

I always thought living in Seattle might be cool. I am reconsidering that after the last few days of rain. It's only been 2, but I am done now. Grateful for my green grass though.



Recently a friend gave me a great compliment. She said that I was so "positive", able to see the bright side of things no matter what. I have been running that through my head the last few days and I am pretty sure I am not earning such a compliment.



My very hardworking husband was unable to take the 10 days off he had hoped for when he started his job, it got knocked down to 4. Although very disappointed, I tried to rally myself into a great 4. And then 2 days before leaving, it got knocked down to 1. I was heartbroken. I was so looking forward to this time as a family, and quite honestly, the help. I adore my three kids, but there is a reason there are 2 parents. I try hard, but I am not a "one-woman show". Nor do I want to be.

Anyway, totally bummed I tried to make the best of it. I took the kids to see my grandparents for an overnight, took them 4 wheeling, got them full of mud doing it and earned "cool mommy" points. We all got spoiled by my grandparents with our favorite foods, and the kids had more pop than they usually have in a month. Then off we went to the cabin. We were going to be joined by Shaun at midnight and have Sunday together, along with the extended family. Before he had to go back that night for work on Monday and Tuesday. He was then going to come back on Tuesday night to spend all of Wednesday with us.



On the way there on Saturday, however, our van broke down. The belt that runs the whole thing slipped off. The water coolant wasn't working, the battery was dying, and the power steering was gone. I literally wrestled the car into a shop with lights flashing and bells dinging. The kids were freaking out, and honestly so was I. The silver lining? I made it to the shop instead of stopping in traffic and getting hit, the guy was stuck there an hour after closing doing paperwork and let me in, he had a loaner for me, and my brother in law came from the cabin and helped me get all our things out there for the week. After that I took the kids to Space Aliens to eat (and hold them over) and then dragged them to the grocery store. I will never again look disapprovingly at a mother with her kids at the grocery store after 9:00 pm, sometimes life just works out that way.



Sunday was awesome, lots of fishing, a ride on the pontoon, time with Dad and grandma. Bella even got to practice using her very first filet knife on some of the sunfish we caught. (More mommy points for buying her the thing. But dad gets all the glory for teaching her. I know how, but I can't watch her with a knife. I know I learned at the same age, but it's different watching your kid.)

Everyone left us on Sunday and on Monday we enjoyed Munsinger gardens, for 2 hours. Bella said it reminded her of the book "The Secret Garden" she had read and all of us thought it was the "best day ever". Finally we got the call that the car was done. Way too much money later, we headed back to the cabin.



Tuesday we SOO enjoyed the company of my best friend Jodi, her 2 little ones, her sister and her baby and later on, my cousin and her 2 little ones. Outside of the toilet pumping water all the way into the kitchen, we had a fun day. The kids all fished, played in the sand, went swimming and laughed! After her sister and my cousing left, Jodi and I braved and conquered the grill (coal and lighter fluid style) and did a campfire, complete with smores for our kids. Shaun showed up just in time to take us all on the pontoon for a ride. ( I will be THE coolest mom if I ever learn to drive that thing.) After we got the little ones down, Shaun and I enjoyed doing some "research" on some wine for his store while we played some cribbage.

Soooooo excited for the next day, we all went to bed.

And woke up to thunderstorms.

About 10:30, we finally called it, packed up and headed home. In the worst rain I have driven in in a long time. Just missing the tornado that went through minneapolis we got home. UGH!!!!!!!

We decided to hit one our wished for destinations for the summer, the Science Museum. The dinosaurs rocked, the Titanic was awesome (although a GREAT date night, wouldn't recommend for little ones), and the anatomy area was sufficiently gross for the kids to just love. Lots of fun, way too much money, geez, but lots of fun!

We finished the day with a pizza and a game of memory.

Although our summer vacation was not even a half a week, it wasn't to Duluth, it wasn't to Gooseberry Falls, not even the North Shore, or the Boundary Waters - it was laughs, it was fishing, there was water, there was boating, and there was all of us. It wasn't much, but I'll take it.

I'm only pouting a little.

Small Heart Attack

That's what I had today.

My son, who gets overwhelmed at crowds sometimes, can leave the situation to escape his fears - most of the time.

However today, while I was picking up Emma from a Birthday Party, at the Mall of America in the American Girl Store, along with her little friend, Anthony decided to "leave" the situation. While I was having Emma use her "manners" - say goodbye politely, say thank you and happy birthday to the little girl - he left.

I lost him.

This happens way too much.

I prep him, let him know what's coming, what's expected and think I have it all under wraps, and then off he goes. When I am not looking.

Today was the first time I ever had to get help and have an employee ask for his description as she called a "Code Adam" over her walkie talkie. (Those are 2 words you never want to hear!!) The feeling that swept over me I can't even put into words. The fear, panic, frustration, where in the hell is he, and still keep track of the other three kids with me. I didn't know if I should go back the way we came down the stairs, or out into the mall from the upstairs. He likes the escalator, but maybe he just wanted out and stayed upstairs. God, I had no idea what to do!!Ugh.

Finally I see him out of the corner of my eye. He went out of the store completely and was waiting patiently at the door. He knew enough to stay near, just not by me. Three fricking minutes can feel like a lifetime. And poor Bella. We always split up and search. I pray every time I don't lose her while we are looking for him. And she gets just as scared as I do. She'll be gray before she's 20 at this rate.

I don't drink, but I today I feel like I need something.

Maybe some dogtags for the kid, and a flask for the purse?

Aaagghhhh!

Every little bit counts

So with all that has been going on here, I have really let go of myself again. Just stopped everything that was good for me in the hopes to care for others. Funny - it's just like they say- if you don't take care of yourself first, you don't have much to draw from to take care of others. So in the midst of our circumstances, I am trying again to get "back on the wagon" (which I swear just RAN ME OVER recently).

As a mom of three, and a woman, multi-tasking isn't just an option - it's survival.

So I am doubling up on everything I can to take care of myself and others.

My husband and I hardly ever see each other. What do you do when the "other woman" is a much needed source of income? Well, to stay connected we have a beer on the deck at the end of the night, we play cribbage, we use his one day off a week to do family activites, and we email or call each other. He has to work, but we can keep it from killing our relationship. And by taking care of him and us, I am a much happier person to keep on keeping on.

I started watching an incredible pastor give his messages online. His talks are moving me spiritually and last just long enough for me to do a head to toe weight lifting routine. Now 3 times a week I look forward to "working out" and gaining some great perspectives on life and how to live a happy one. Honestly, it is saving me from my circumstances, offers me hope and guides me daily in my interactions with my exhausted husband and never tired children.

I am also working on my cardio and my relationship with my girls. This week we have gone canoeing for an hour and 3 times so far this week we have gone on a "run"/bike ride. I run, they bike. Although it is 1.7 miles in distance, I hope it still counts as a good workout since we stop to look at baby toads, tiny grasshoppers, butterflies, millipedes, catepillars and feed the ducks along the way. And while canoeing we are spotting turtles, animals, herons, frogs, and snakes. I might not be burning as much in calories, but I know that even better - there are memories burning into their hearts.

I am working on living a life of patience while also trying to teach my son. We are working on his "behavior" problems and in doing so, I am learning new ways to interact with him through exercise, physical play and sensory therapies. As well as enjoying him laugh, be silly, and grow. I am also learning to go gluten-free again in order to help him even more. SO in teaching my son better alternatives, I am gaining new knowledge (good for the brain), I am getting more exercise (good for the body), and I am learning to cook better (new skill). And I am even getting to have fun and make memories with him too.

Building the relationships with my husband and kids is crucial to me. I have to do these other things too, for myself. So I feel considerably blessed that I can take care of myself in lots of ways, AND grow closer to my family at the same time.

What a lucky girl am I.