Against the odds... and still going

A Beautiful, overdue, amazing getaway. Every couple deserves one.

Taylors Falls

My Sweetie!

My husband and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary on the 31st,

and sometimes I don't know how we have made it this far.

According to today's research and society's standards -

there are a ton (well at least 13) reasons why we shouldn't still be together.

The stats say:

ONE - Out of every 2 marriages ends in divorce.

TWO - We only dated for 2 months before he proposed. I'm sure that is not advised.

THREE - Children can add substantial stress to a marriage - we have 3.

FOUR - Experts say married couple's can keep their marriage strong by dating once a week.

We are lucky to get 4 a year.

(I don't know anyone, with kids, who can still date 4 times a month - power to you if you are!)

FIVE - The average hours of sleep we get a night. Not helping the stress/patience levels.

SIX - Our sixth anniversary was our last "couple's weekend away".

SEVEN - There's the seven-year itch. Come and gone.

EIGHT - Eight of 10 marriages with a child with a disability ends in divorce.

NINE - Moves/relocation can add major stress to a marriage, we have done it 9 times.

TEN - Only 10% of marriages where one spouse is in the restaurant industry makes it.

ELEVEN - The amount of months we were engaged and "living in sin".

TWELVE - The amount of waking hours we see each other...a week.

Not too much opportunity to move beyond just updating each other of life's events.

THIRTEEN - Another major life stress can be job changes, these can be too much for just one person, but our relationship has gone through 13 job changes between the two of us,

and we are not even done yet.

I won't say any of it is easy. Most of the time it is just too much. It really does wear on each of us. We say things we wish we could take back, we get selfish, and we miss opportunities to be loving. And there are many days, and many reasons beyond these, that each one of us has our turn at wanting to just quit. And sometimes, only knowing that we don't want to quit is all we have.

But then there are these other days.

Days that make the hard ones better than bearable. Days that feel like the first kiss, the first time we saw each other, and like we are the only two people in the world that matter. There are moments when he looks at me, or when I hear his voice, and I still get butterflies. There is excitement in my heart when he calls, or when he pulls in the driveway. There are days when he does or says something that takes my breath away and reminds me so vividly as to why I married him, and why I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

There isn't always flowers or cards, but there is always a net. The one that he holds out to catch me whenever I feel the world caving in, or our world is falling apart. The one that he holds out every time I worry about the kids, another "issue" with Anthony, or just when that "what if..." fear creeps in.

Our "like" for the other can have it's moments, but we do truly love each other. The "world", and even some people in our lives, probably think we shouldn't still be together. But God doesn't let us go. He reminds us, just when we need it, that no matter what, we are meant to be together. Sometimes it's at the last second, but it's always just in time.

Just look at my list again, there is just cause for us to have had enough.

But we are still going, God can make all things possible.

And "just 'cause" we are sticking it out.

I thank God for our recent 2 days together, and my mom who had the kids. We had the time of our lives, did some major healing of each others hearts and just had a blast together!! We went to Taylors Falls, had some great conversations and even some belly laughs.

With our recent life changes, laughs have been missed.

I also thank God for a husband who is an amazing cook!!

Gotta love a guy who can turn your kitchen table into a four star restaurant -

without the waitress always coming to ask how things are just when you take a bite.

I love you honey, I am so glad that after 13 years, and after so much, - we still "fit".

Little Lessons Learned

Today was a very productive day, got a lot done and learned quite a few things about my life today.

Just for kicks here is a top 15:

15. If you mow the lawn, and have your music blaring in your ears to hear it over the mower, you will get an earache. (And maybe need to go to Oklahoma to visit your favorite audiologist.)

14. Too much time working in the sun, without enough water is a sure fire way to bring on a headache.

13. Mowing the lawn after 2 - 3 days of rain (and a week) is a bit like mowing a field. But makes the best "vacuum lines".

12. Coloring on a blanket in the shade is very cool.

11. If I am tied up with the mower - my kids can make a healthy lunch with great cooperation all on their own. They even dished me up and cleaned up after.

10. Anthony REALLY likes mowing the lawn with me. He pushes a grass seeder/fertilizer thing right next to me the whole way. It is a favorite time for me.

9. The weed wacker is still one of my top accomplishments for the summer.

8. (I REALLY need to get out more.)

7. Fresh cut grass is a great smell.

6. So is the old stuff dried out in the bag - reminds me of baling hay with my grandpa, dad, uncles, and cousins when I was a kid.

5. Calloused hands from hard work feel better than any manicure.

4. Venting too much in a vulnerable moment of pain to the wrong person, is like throwing yourself in front of the Truck of Judgement. Never to get up again.

3. Just when I thought my life couldn't get any worse, I hear of someone else's struggle and I realize that I don't have a thing to complain about.

2. Watching movies I have already seen late at night, aren't worth the loss in sleep.

1. I am learning, sometimes the hard way, who my true friends really are.

At that was just today.

When it Rains, It Pours

I always thought living in Seattle might be cool. I am reconsidering that after the last few days of rain. It's only been 2, but I am done now. Grateful for my green grass though.



Recently a friend gave me a great compliment. She said that I was so "positive", able to see the bright side of things no matter what. I have been running that through my head the last few days and I am pretty sure I am not earning such a compliment.



My very hardworking husband was unable to take the 10 days off he had hoped for when he started his job, it got knocked down to 4. Although very disappointed, I tried to rally myself into a great 4. And then 2 days before leaving, it got knocked down to 1. I was heartbroken. I was so looking forward to this time as a family, and quite honestly, the help. I adore my three kids, but there is a reason there are 2 parents. I try hard, but I am not a "one-woman show". Nor do I want to be.

Anyway, totally bummed I tried to make the best of it. I took the kids to see my grandparents for an overnight, took them 4 wheeling, got them full of mud doing it and earned "cool mommy" points. We all got spoiled by my grandparents with our favorite foods, and the kids had more pop than they usually have in a month. Then off we went to the cabin. We were going to be joined by Shaun at midnight and have Sunday together, along with the extended family. Before he had to go back that night for work on Monday and Tuesday. He was then going to come back on Tuesday night to spend all of Wednesday with us.



On the way there on Saturday, however, our van broke down. The belt that runs the whole thing slipped off. The water coolant wasn't working, the battery was dying, and the power steering was gone. I literally wrestled the car into a shop with lights flashing and bells dinging. The kids were freaking out, and honestly so was I. The silver lining? I made it to the shop instead of stopping in traffic and getting hit, the guy was stuck there an hour after closing doing paperwork and let me in, he had a loaner for me, and my brother in law came from the cabin and helped me get all our things out there for the week. After that I took the kids to Space Aliens to eat (and hold them over) and then dragged them to the grocery store. I will never again look disapprovingly at a mother with her kids at the grocery store after 9:00 pm, sometimes life just works out that way.



Sunday was awesome, lots of fishing, a ride on the pontoon, time with Dad and grandma. Bella even got to practice using her very first filet knife on some of the sunfish we caught. (More mommy points for buying her the thing. But dad gets all the glory for teaching her. I know how, but I can't watch her with a knife. I know I learned at the same age, but it's different watching your kid.)

Everyone left us on Sunday and on Monday we enjoyed Munsinger gardens, for 2 hours. Bella said it reminded her of the book "The Secret Garden" she had read and all of us thought it was the "best day ever". Finally we got the call that the car was done. Way too much money later, we headed back to the cabin.



Tuesday we SOO enjoyed the company of my best friend Jodi, her 2 little ones, her sister and her baby and later on, my cousin and her 2 little ones. Outside of the toilet pumping water all the way into the kitchen, we had a fun day. The kids all fished, played in the sand, went swimming and laughed! After her sister and my cousing left, Jodi and I braved and conquered the grill (coal and lighter fluid style) and did a campfire, complete with smores for our kids. Shaun showed up just in time to take us all on the pontoon for a ride. ( I will be THE coolest mom if I ever learn to drive that thing.) After we got the little ones down, Shaun and I enjoyed doing some "research" on some wine for his store while we played some cribbage.

Soooooo excited for the next day, we all went to bed.

And woke up to thunderstorms.

About 10:30, we finally called it, packed up and headed home. In the worst rain I have driven in in a long time. Just missing the tornado that went through minneapolis we got home. UGH!!!!!!!

We decided to hit one our wished for destinations for the summer, the Science Museum. The dinosaurs rocked, the Titanic was awesome (although a GREAT date night, wouldn't recommend for little ones), and the anatomy area was sufficiently gross for the kids to just love. Lots of fun, way too much money, geez, but lots of fun!

We finished the day with a pizza and a game of memory.

Although our summer vacation was not even a half a week, it wasn't to Duluth, it wasn't to Gooseberry Falls, not even the North Shore, or the Boundary Waters - it was laughs, it was fishing, there was water, there was boating, and there was all of us. It wasn't much, but I'll take it.

I'm only pouting a little.

Small Heart Attack

That's what I had today.

My son, who gets overwhelmed at crowds sometimes, can leave the situation to escape his fears - most of the time.

However today, while I was picking up Emma from a Birthday Party, at the Mall of America in the American Girl Store, along with her little friend, Anthony decided to "leave" the situation. While I was having Emma use her "manners" - say goodbye politely, say thank you and happy birthday to the little girl - he left.

I lost him.

This happens way too much.

I prep him, let him know what's coming, what's expected and think I have it all under wraps, and then off he goes. When I am not looking.

Today was the first time I ever had to get help and have an employee ask for his description as she called a "Code Adam" over her walkie talkie. (Those are 2 words you never want to hear!!) The feeling that swept over me I can't even put into words. The fear, panic, frustration, where in the hell is he, and still keep track of the other three kids with me. I didn't know if I should go back the way we came down the stairs, or out into the mall from the upstairs. He likes the escalator, but maybe he just wanted out and stayed upstairs. God, I had no idea what to do!!Ugh.

Finally I see him out of the corner of my eye. He went out of the store completely and was waiting patiently at the door. He knew enough to stay near, just not by me. Three fricking minutes can feel like a lifetime. And poor Bella. We always split up and search. I pray every time I don't lose her while we are looking for him. And she gets just as scared as I do. She'll be gray before she's 20 at this rate.

I don't drink, but I today I feel like I need something.

Maybe some dogtags for the kid, and a flask for the purse?

Aaagghhhh!

Every little bit counts

So with all that has been going on here, I have really let go of myself again. Just stopped everything that was good for me in the hopes to care for others. Funny - it's just like they say- if you don't take care of yourself first, you don't have much to draw from to take care of others. So in the midst of our circumstances, I am trying again to get "back on the wagon" (which I swear just RAN ME OVER recently).

As a mom of three, and a woman, multi-tasking isn't just an option - it's survival.

So I am doubling up on everything I can to take care of myself and others.

My husband and I hardly ever see each other. What do you do when the "other woman" is a much needed source of income? Well, to stay connected we have a beer on the deck at the end of the night, we play cribbage, we use his one day off a week to do family activites, and we email or call each other. He has to work, but we can keep it from killing our relationship. And by taking care of him and us, I am a much happier person to keep on keeping on.

I started watching an incredible pastor give his messages online. His talks are moving me spiritually and last just long enough for me to do a head to toe weight lifting routine. Now 3 times a week I look forward to "working out" and gaining some great perspectives on life and how to live a happy one. Honestly, it is saving me from my circumstances, offers me hope and guides me daily in my interactions with my exhausted husband and never tired children.

I am also working on my cardio and my relationship with my girls. This week we have gone canoeing for an hour and 3 times so far this week we have gone on a "run"/bike ride. I run, they bike. Although it is 1.7 miles in distance, I hope it still counts as a good workout since we stop to look at baby toads, tiny grasshoppers, butterflies, millipedes, catepillars and feed the ducks along the way. And while canoeing we are spotting turtles, animals, herons, frogs, and snakes. I might not be burning as much in calories, but I know that even better - there are memories burning into their hearts.

I am working on living a life of patience while also trying to teach my son. We are working on his "behavior" problems and in doing so, I am learning new ways to interact with him through exercise, physical play and sensory therapies. As well as enjoying him laugh, be silly, and grow. I am also learning to go gluten-free again in order to help him even more. SO in teaching my son better alternatives, I am gaining new knowledge (good for the brain), I am getting more exercise (good for the body), and I am learning to cook better (new skill). And I am even getting to have fun and make memories with him too.

Building the relationships with my husband and kids is crucial to me. I have to do these other things too, for myself. So I feel considerably blessed that I can take care of myself in lots of ways, AND grow closer to my family at the same time.

What a lucky girl am I.

Damn - I had to blink.

See this little one? She's the adventureous one. She is small in size, but she is bigger than life in everything else. Did I ever tell you that she used to wear beaded necklaces all the time? She used to suck her thumb with all of her fingers open and out to the side. She didn't get hair until she was close to two. She could climb before she could walk. She was coloring at a year old. She would spend so much time pulling all of the books of the shelves, just so I could restack them. She used to try to stand up in the tub. I was so scared she would fall. She tells stories like nobody else. She likes to stay up at night. She thinks Jesus is a powerful man and tells me she loves me... to heaven and back again. She is 5 now and I can't believe I have to go buy her a back pack this year. I can't even see to type this through the tears.



Oh, and this one! She used to swing for hours. She loved being outside, and still does. She had a pacifier. She never ate at day care, so she nursed all night long. She gave even grandparents a hard time when they would babysit, always wanted her mama. Her first word was puppy, and she has wanted one ever since. We used to color a lot, she loved when I read to her, and she used to think laundry was fun. At least rolling around in it, and hiding under the basket. She stuck up for her brother at 4 years of age - to some 3rd grade boys. And told her friends that NO ONE laughs at her sister! (Emma was potty training and pulled her pants down in front of the school to tell me she had to go). She has profound thoughts and is very strong-willed. She will be in the 4th grade this year - 2 years to MIDDLE SCHOOL!!

And this little guy? He used to commando crawl faster than "Lightning McQueen". He sang and did the actions for Hokey Pokey before he could walk. His first word was "Papa" at age 3. He had his first taste of fresh crab on the coast when he was 18 months and still loves it. He didn't learn to nurse until he was four months old. He knew all the letters of the alphabet at 3 even though his teachers didn't believe me. He has a laugh like no one else, and always has. He is very sensitive to other people's emotions. He has always loved music and dancing...and cars. Even has a baby, he patted your back when he hugged you. I think he is closer to God than any of us. EVERY day that I pick him up from somewhere - he is SOO happy to see me. Since he was a little preschooler, he would run to me like it had been days, not hours, since we had seen each other - he still does that. He will also be 4th grade, his voice his starting to change and my boy is still a boy, but beginning to change into a young man.

When does it happen and how does it happen? It just goes so damn fast!

I swear I was just holding her and she was pulling on my hair.

It was just the other other day when he was climbing in the cupboards and throwing the tupperware on the floor...wasn't it?

I used to have to cut up her food.

We used to cut shapes out of paper.

She used to nap in my arms.

He used to fit on my lap.

I held them in my arms, nursed them, stayed up late with them, snuggled with them, calmed them, carried them, spun them around the kitchen dancing, blew up balloons for them.

When did it switch to them riding off on their bikes, reading on their own, going over to a friend's house, or talking on the phone to somebody besides grandma?

When did they become so independent?

And why, God, why did I wish for this?

For them just to sleep through the night -

and now I don't have that quiet time where I could watch them sleep.

For them to just play on their own so I could get something done -

and now I have to come up with things to do while they are gone to play with each other or friends.

Why did I wish for them to be just a little bit older?

I blinked!

And now they are 5, and 9, and 11!

I miss my babies tonight.

The ones who were just here a second ago I swear.

The ones who seemed to just visit for a bit, and now have grown into children.

I know if I don't slow down, I will be regretting missing these years too.

Because damn it, I'll blink again and they will be teenagers,

and then I'll close my eyes once more...

and they'll be gone.

Tomorrow we are having a family day.

And I will keep my eyes open and enjoy every moment of it.

So please... if you have little ones, or big ones,

Go hug them a little tighter, put the "TO DO" list down,

and savor the chance to spend a day with them.

And whatever you do:

Don't blink!

The Perfect Friend

I have this friend. She is amazing and I have to tell you about her.

She is beautiful! Inside and out!

She is confident.

Her character is strong.

She sends me the nicest emails, the sweetest cards and the most thoughtful gifts.

Where others have mocked my reading choices, she sends me more for my collection.

She enjoys being in the moment with her children.

Her home has a calming effect when you walk in.

Her listening skills and advice are therapeutic.

She is Godly, and encourages my Faith Walk.

She calms me down when I am angry.

She holds me when I cry.

She makes me laugh when I am down.

She changes my perspective when I feel hurt or alone.

She calls to check in on me.

She remembers my birthday.

With her encouraging words, I feel like a great mom and that I can truly handle anything that comes my way.

She inspires me to be ME.

She reminds me to care for myself when I forget to.

She knows just what to say, and when to say it.

Being in her presence makes me feel peaceful.

She accepts me, my husband, and ALL 3 of my kids.

She makes me feel talented, and encourages all of my efforts to practice my skills.

She says it like it is...with respect.

She doesn't try to be anybody else.

She sweeps in and helps me.

I have forgotten how to even ask for help, but she sees the needs I have,

and just rescues me before I can catch my breath to thank her.

She gives me hope, patience, and love.

She gives me wisdom in caring for my children now that hers are older,

and with her younger ones, she shows me how to appreciate the time I have with my kids.

And reminds me of how fast the time goes.

She has a simple life that focuses on the things that truly matter.

She takes care of herself.

All of these things make her the most important in my life. Because without her, I am not me. I have no goals, and I have no appreciation. She gives me all the support I could ever need at the times I need it. I don't know what I do without her.

She is perfect.

But she doesn't exist.

Well, she does, but not as one person.

My "perfect" friend is a number of friends that I have been blessed with in my life. They have come in, they have gone out, some have been complete strangers, and some are lifelong sisters. All of them were put into my life to add to it. To help me define me, to inspire me to grow, and to teach me. She has educated me about what really matters, and who really matters. She is simple and she is grand.

But see, she is not perfect. Because "she" is many. It takes a number of people at a number of moments in our lives to make those impacts. And they do. But no one person can be all of these things for another person. She would be amazing, but she wouldn't have a life of her own. She would be everything to everyone... else.

Here is the one perfect lesson I have learned through her though:

I can stop trying to be her.

I can be what I can to who I can, when they need me to. But I can stop trying to be everything for everyone else, I can stop trying to be perfect. I can breathe.

When I am needed as a friend, a wife, a mother, a daughter, and a sister I can answer the call. And when I need to be me -
She has given me the permission to do that too.

God love her.


A special thank you to all of you who have helped to mold me into who I am. I only pray that I can touch your lives the way you have touched mine. I wouldn't be here without you.

And since I am a "work in progress" I look forward to talking to you soon.