It's not always easy

I went to a conference in Lake Elmo, MN last weekend and was so inspired and moved by the whole thing. Dr. Tim Kimmel spoke on "Raising Truly Great Kids". A grace-based approach to parenting, straight out the Bible. Check out Familymatters.net.

I knew I couldn't give my husband a sufficient crash course of the speaker's crash course, so I got the DVD set to bring home. So far we have watched the first 4 sessions. It has both empowered and freed us in so many ways. There are little changes in our home- it's more relaxed, kind, loving and just great. It has impacted our marriage and changed the day to day interactions with our kids. If you can get any of this guy's books, CD's, DVD's or see him in person - you will be affected.

The story I need to share with you is so amazing.

I am a mother of 3 children. I have 2 younger daughters (8 and 5) and one son - age 10. My son is Anthony, and Anthony was born with Down syndrome and has apraxia (a verbal disorder). His communication is so very limited. We use sign language and pictures with him, but he is so smart, it just isn't always enough. So when he gets frustrated, angry, disappointed, whatever - it can be really rough. He has often gotten to a state of rage and aggression that he becomes out of control and uncontrollable. In the past both my husband and I have reacted with emotions, we have gotten angry too - he hits, scratches, pulls hair and hurts our daughters and us. It can happen so fast, something in his mind, or mood, switches and he can lash out without a second's notice and one of our girls lets out a scream. Our reactions have been of shock mostly, protection over them, anger at him...just pain all around. We have tried behavior specialists, therapies, whatever we can. But at those moments he just hits instead of signs, and if we try the pictures system, he just throws them at us. In the heightened moment - all things go out the window and we are at a loss for what to do, and he is at a loss for any other way to get through it. We often end up distracted with emotions, or care for the other hurt child. We tend to just walk away - "they" say to do that when you're angry yourself. But we left him in the process, and he just was alone. We thought he could process on his own, and we knew we needed to leave the situation, so there he was, casted out. Oh, we didn't know what we were doing.

But tonight, just a few hours ago, we did something that quite possibly could qualify as a miracle in our home. My parents were visiting, the kids were playing fine, but then Anthony started getting a little too rough, I rushed in to stop him before he could hurt my 8 year old and just caught his hand while he attempted a swing at the 5 year old. I took him away from everyone and was able to let my parents take over with the girls. I sat with him, calmly, and tried to get him to calm down. He escalated and began swinging at me. I told him he was not allowed to go back to play with the girls until he could calm down. I told him he had to show "nice touches" before he could go back. (His cognitive level is about age 5). He got even more angry as I tried to block him. He hit and scratched me, a lot. I stopped as many as I could. This is a typical scenario we run into, but this time he and I went into the bathroom, so as not to make a scene with the way he was treating me, and we just stayed in there for the duration.

He yelled, screamed, cried and swung. My heart broke for him. And I saw him, I really SAW him, with acceptance, not for what he was doing, but for how trapped he must feel. I can hardly see through the tears to type this as I replay the image in my mind. All I could see was this little boy with so much feeling, so many emotions, just overwhelming him, with no way out. It killed me to witness the pain he was in. That little guy has lived 10 years without ever being fully heard, fully understood - 10 years!! What he was doing was terrible, but would I, would anyone, react any different? I saw him for the first time in such a different way. I ached for what he was in, and in all alone. I kept blocking his swings, like a game of high-fives, and I told him I loved him. I wasn't going anywhere. I told him he couldn't hit me, or anyone else, but that I wasn't going to leave him alone. I was not giving up.

My husband came in to see if I needed any help. And then we both sat in there and stuck with him through his anger. For the very first time - we were BOTH in there, full of love, no anger, just love. And we didn't walk out, like we have in the past. We didn't give up on him. We didn't leave him to "get over it". We stayed, and we stood stong - together - providing a secure love. We were 2 parents loving him no matter how mad, angry or sad he was, or how he displayed it.

After 50 minutes, he stopped. He finally just stopped. And then he cried. He took my arm, and he laid his head on it, and he cried. He looked up and he signed "sorry" to me, and his dad, and he hugged us. We were all 3 in a group hug on the floor crying. Just holding each other, and realizing what an amazing thing just happened.

I don't know what will come of this. Will he not hit next time he gets mad? I don't know, I don't even know if what happened tonight will mean as much to him as I would hope. But I do know a few things. Love like that is significant. Grace is powerful going both ways. And seeing with heart - shows you things you could never see with just your eyes. I feel honored to be married to my husband, that together we showed our son committment, love, and strength. I pray that he will always remember it. But I know we will never forget it.

So many times I read parenting books and so much of it has to be tweeked and "specialized" for Anthony's disability. But this, this education, it is individualized for each person, and yet made for everyone. This way of teaching the biblical principles of caring for our children connected my husband and I to each other, and to our son tonight. It blessed us with some magical moments with our son, it gave us a connection we so struggle to get with him, and - God bless Dr. Kimmel - it gave us hope.

Starting off

Well, I did it. I started a blog. What am I in for?



I so enjoy reading other people's blogs, so I decided to start my own. Plus, I really should journal more, and I am on the computer too much anyway. Might as well make some good use out of it.



I enjoy writing and this will cut down on sending out massive emails. If people want to know how we are - they can just check out the blog. Hopefully people will still call me to check in, the old-fashioned way, but this could be fun too.



So here we go. I hope you enjoy.