Last week was a big week across Minnesota.
The first day of school. Backpacks, pencils, new shoes and one of the few pictures I take these days that visually records the growth of my children from year to year.
This is quite a year for our family. We moved the girls to the same school as Anthony. And even though I was pretty uneasy about the move for the girls - it has turned out to be the best thing we could have done! I knew it would be more convenient for us, but I had NO idea how completely wonderful it would be. To have them all in one place. To hear that they see each other now and then, to hear about the teachers and what they are doing. I just absolutely love it.
This is our first day...
We have 2 fifth graders and a 1st grader. This year is big for another reason.
Emma is full time now.
She was afternoon kindergarten last year, but now they are all there, all together, all day.
And now it's just me.
After 10 years... it's just me.
I know I should be thrilled. Lots of other people envy my "freedom" and "time to myself".
But I am not.
I am getting things done, things that have been on my to do list for years, and it's nice I guess. But this is just so wierd.
I have cried here and there, but not too bad. I miss them, but I am so very happy for what they are doing and embarking on in their lives that I can't be too sad about it.
I just didn't know it would be like this.
I went to Target last week and saw all these moms with their little ones in the carts. Some were in their jammies, some had red lips and faces from a slushie, some were looking at the halloween light up attractions, and some were looking at books with goldfish cracker crumbs on their shirts.
And I got sad.
I got sad because that's not me anymore.
I thought of all the times I had just wished for them to sit still in the cart so I could just be done, just look quick at the halloween stuff because we had to get going, just eat another cracker and look at the cow jump over the moon while I go over my list.
And now I watch.
Just me and my cart going up and down the aisles with my list. A list that used to have little scribbles on it from some little one's hand, and it's just my own now.
And I try to let go of that time in my life, in their lives, and I try not to cry.
Oh how I wish I could tell these moms to slow down and treasure this time.
Don't wish for the time when they are gone, don't hurry them up,
don't "can't wait" for when they can...
Enjoy it now, because once it's gone, it really is gone.
There is no going back.
One day Goodnight moon will be replaced with chapter books, goldfish crackers with gum, and red slushie lips with lipstick. And you'll wonder why you wished it to happen faster, because even though other moms told you it would go fast, you just really didn't get it until it was too late.
After 10 years, now I shop alone, I eat alone, I read alone, I have full phone conversations, and I finish things.
And I feel alone.
I greive for afternoon naps on the couch, for simple stories, for learning about colors and new words, and for games of Candyland.
I should be thrilled, but I am not there yet. Maybe in the weeks to come. For now I will try to adjust, try to enjoy, try not to cry, and try to see what the future holds for me next.
For every thing there is a season. And I suppose the seasons are changing for me.
