Singing a New Song

Whew, a bullet is dodged.

Anthony had an echocardiogram today. Since last month we did an EKG and the blood draws, they did not need to be repeated. So he only needed to do an echo besides the physical exam today. Although he signed that he was scared the entire time since we left the house, he made it through. Didn't hurt that there were no shots, and that he got to watch a movie during the echo.

They got great pictures and all showed to be normal and healthy!!!!!!

The great things to come out of it:
1. We ruled out any heart problems.
2. We have a baseline record for any future concerns to compare it to.
3. There were no signs of cardiomyopathy.
4. There is nothing to indicate that he will have any onset of congenital heart conditions commonly associated with Down syndrome, ever.

5. We probably racked up enough to close out our family deductable, and can now get any surgery we think we might need for "free". Shaun's back or hip, my knees... wonder if laser eye surgery could be considered. Just kidding.

Anyway, the bummer is that we still aren't sure what is causing these episodes, so we are back to the drawing board. Funny thing about figuring out what's wrong - I didn't want it to be his heart, but knowing the problem to be able to fix it is still the goal, and now not knowing is a little frustrating. But again, it's not his heart.

When his doctor told me on Monday that this was the next step, I said that I would have rather she told me he needed more snacks. Ironically, I think we are back to that. this keeps happening at gym class, 4 hours after breakfast, and probably any drink. So I am sending a water bottle and we'll see if that works. It has never happened here, so I can't say what the surrounding circumstances are, so we'll see.

I guess I'll have to hit the internet, see what other parents have experienced.

As for today, the scary stuff is over, and we have "broke on through to the other side" (see previous post from this morning).

So, our new song is...
"If you're happy and you know it...CLAP YOUR HANDS!!!!!"

Thanks everyone for all the prayers!! Powerful stuff!!

The Word of the Day

Every day, Anthony has a "word of the day". He shares with his class the word, the defintion, and a picture to illustrate the word.

Today's word, at our house is Trust.

The defiintion is "firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing".

Here is my illustration. Proof that I have had to "trust", many times before the integrity and ability of many doctors, teachers and whoever else. But mostly in God.
On Monday I cried at what we have to do today, and yesterday I was calm. Resolving that everything will be okay.

But today, I woke up and the war within began.

Today, we take Anthony to the St. Paul Heart Clinic to have a "cardio workup" done. We know an EKG will be done, blood tests and an echo-cardiogram. What else? Not sure. It is just the next step we are being told to do. He passed out at school, for the second time in a month, and protocol dictates that we get his heart checked out. So today, we go.

The war within me raged once my alarm went off, and I woke up, and I realized what I have to do today. I began with awful negative thoughts, wondering what might happen, conjuring up worse case scenarios, (WHY do I do that to myself??) I can jump the gun so fast. Too fast.

And then I fought myself with the positives. It is still, right now, just another doctor appt. Yes, many things lead to a possible condition. The passing out, the fact that heart issues run in the family, and the most obvious - he has Down syndrome. This kind of thing sort of comes with the job. But right now, it is just another appoinment. We don't know anything, we don't have to be scared in this. (I am winning this war. And it feels awesome.)

I resolved yesterday that one of two things will happen today.

1. They will rule it out.

2. They will find something, and they will need to fix it.

So I trust.

I have to.

I have to trust that the doctors in one of top clinics in the country will take care of my son.

I have to trust that they will get a closer to an explanation.

I have to trust that, just like many times before, we will stand strong when it is all said and done.

I also have to trust, so that my son, who will be very scared today, can look to me and Shaun, our faith, and trust...us.

Today, there is a song. Well, part of the song. Because I don't know the whole thing and I really only need the one part anyway, and it is playing over and over in my head.

I love that God can speak to us anyway He wants to.

Today He is using The Doors.

"Break on through to the other side. Break on through. Break on through. Break on through to the other side."

I have been through a lot, so has Shaun, so has Anthony, and so have many others. But on the other side we can see what God saw all along. The way it was all meant to be. The way things can all fall together, like someone had it all planned out. (Because someone does). The way that when, on the other side of it, you see that you weren't alone, even if you felt like it.

Just like a friend of mine said. I can trust that He will be there, because I can look back and see that He always has been.

So today, I will trust.

And we will "break through to other side".

The Books that Changed it All

I have been ridiculed for my choices of books by many people in my life.

I like books that help me learn to be a better person.

I don't necessarily read "self-help" books, (they usually just cause me to "help myself" to a load of guilt and disappointment) but I do read books on parenting, marriage and life. Those are my life. I am a mother, a wife, and a woman. I went to college for psychology, read a ton of books for that - how is this any different? No, I don't get paid, but I am giving myself a PhD. in this. I want to do it well.

Recently I began reading a few great books.

I read the Shack, and I started to free myself of the legalism pitfall of Christianity. I stopped trying to please God with a checklist of being a "good Christian woman". I began to see God as a friend, someone to get me through this crazy life, and not as someone I have to impress. I realized a very freeing thought - I don't have to worry about "being" good, I just have to, each day, DO something good. Doing good things helped me let go of the "checklist" and give myself freedom in each situation I was faced with. It gave me a choice, instead of forcing judgement on myself so many times a day.

Then, I read "Eat, Pray, Love". This book brought me closer to myself. I realized that crazy, run-around thoughts in my head can be normal. Well, common - but definitely not crazy. this woman worked through a year of defining herself, on her own, not by the standards of the world. She helped me ask questions of myself that needed to be asked. Am I living the way I want? Am I self-respecting, self-nurturing, and in touch with my own wants, dreams, and desires? Without being selfish. Unlike the author, I do have a marriage and three children to care for. Can I even discover these things about myself without sounding self-absorbed? I have discovered, at the very least one answer - That I MUST ask and answer these things about me. And as a plus, in doing so, I will be a better mother and wife.

But then I got a hold of the book that all the others have prepared me for. I am reading "Women, God and Food". This book has lit up every fire in me that was iver put out due to life, circumstances and change. I feel lighter, more calm, and even blissful. My life will NEVER be the same. I am beginning to see the amazing power of self acceptance and self-respect. Better yet, I am beginning to FEEL it. I had a day of ordinary things, but felt extrordinary in it. I felt freedom and joy, I felt love and contentment. I had a day, without judgement and self-loathing. I had fun. I had hope. I had me. For a day, I had what I have dreamed about for years - the acceptance of myself. As I am.

And for once - I do not feel the need to change myself to be better.
I feel the need to break through to be the me I always was, but never let exist.

This is why I read the books I do. Because being happy in this life, no matter what it throws at you, is worth the investment of doing what it takes to find true happiness. It's always been there - why NOT go after it?

Two for One Special

It started out as "Happy hour". The kids were playing with the neighbor kids, having a grand time. I believe "Horsie" was the name of the game. Emma was the rider, Tyler was the horse. It must have been a rodeo, but I don't think Emma made it the 8 seconds.

I was putting away the laundry when I heard Bella and the neighbor kids run in and begin yelling for me. They were all so excited and speaking at once as I came down the stairs to see what all the fuss was about. All I could make out was "Emma, blood, tooth, and a lot of blood". I followed them over to the neighbors and there was Emma was in the care of their dear grandmother who watches over them.

They weren't kidding about the blood. There was a LOT of it. We've lost a lot of teeth in this house with three kids, but this was the most I've ever seen. Sure enough, there it was, the top front tooth, been loose for months. We were all so happy and full of yells and excitement congratulating her.

But then Edna says, that other one is about to go too. As we all calmed ourselves to see, it got very quiet. We could have heard a pin drop while we watched her wiggle it with her tongue, but instead we heard "it". We actually heard it grinding. Ugh. I tried, to no avail to yank it out, so Edna got it. Poor little Emma, her eyes were so big, but her face was so scared, and she was so quiet. So here she is, now two teeth gone, and bleeding all over the place, and she goes over and hugs Tyler for helping her get her teeth out. Tyler's head is okay, but she'll need to wash her hair.

So here is little sunshine, all cleaned up and toothless.

The neighbor boy Carson and her play FBI Agent almost every day. So, since Miss Emma was such a sport, went through such trama (boy, are her gums bruised too), and lost TWO teeth. She and her partner will have fun with the walkie talkies the tooth fairy will deliver tonight.

Mother's Day

As I watch them every day, they amaze me with their love, acceptance and joy in the other.

We spent our day in Eagan at Lebanon Hills, one of our favorite places to go,

on a Nature Hike (as we like to call them).

Bella created a "Scavenger Hunt" list and she marked off all the fun things we found. From flowers to puppies and all the tracks and animal homes in between.

Her simple joy and beauty take my breath away.

Now 6 and almost 10, these two are growing faster than I am prepared for.

Here was a burned out hollow tree, they all "just fit".

What a treasure find.

After that we went to Shaun's restaurant to eat. This mom sure doesn't want to cook that day, (or any day really). Plus, then we could see dad.

Grandma Hinson joined us for the day and we were all nostalgic of cabin campfires

as we roasted marshmallows for smores - AT the table.

WAY COOL.

And yummy.



Another wonderful day celebrating the three gifts I was honored with.

Now almost 12, 10 and 6, this day has gone from coloring and playdough

to 2 hour hikes and fires.

Can't wait til next year.

I hope all the wonderful women out there enjoyed their day.

I sure did.

Hallmark might have created it, but my kids define it.
Thanks God, for thinking enough of me,

to give me them.