Since Anthony was 2 months old, he has been in some form of therapy, once to three times a week, for the past 13 years!! That's right. We had Early Childhood to our home starting at 2 months of age. We had Occupational therapists since, I think, 6 months. Physical therapists since before that. And pushed for Speech therapy before 2. He was signing around then as well, maybe even before.We started clinical therapies before he was one and have never stopped with one of those 3 types of therapies. I put him in gymnastics at 3 years old to help him learn to walk because PT wanted to stop, since he wasn't "progressing". (He was walking in less than that 6 weeks course). I have taken him to Arizona AND Ohio for different speech therapeutic techniques. We have spent more time in waiting rooms waiting than I want to even imagine counting. I have attained more friendships through clinics than school functions. I STILL have some of his therapists on my Christmas Card list. We have done therapies in Central and now Southern Minnesota, North Dakota and Iowa. This last round of therapy was more than intense and may have been the final straw on this camel's back. Because all of this I tell you, not to show what a busy mom I am, but to show you how I have reached this monumental decision.
I have decided - I QUIT!!!!
In the beginning of his life, I will be honest, I was scared. Not only was he my first child, but he was a kind of child I knew nothing about. As a new mom, I wasn't just getting used to feeding and changing schedules, it was seeing if he could eat on his own and spending the first four months of his life trying to get him to nurse (which he DID and continued for 16 months). It wasn't about getting him on a sleep schedule, it was checking to see why he wasn't waking up. It wasn't about watching his development and milestones just happen, it was about trying to pick which milestone to teach and force him through exercises he didn't like to strengthen him to get there. I was a mom who didn't know what she was doing, and certainly didn't trust herself. So, out of deep love for this precious boy, I searched out everything I could find on how to do this "right". And when you don't trust yourself - EVERYONE can seem more "right" than you on any given thing. From how to teach him how to suck through a straw to how many timed trips to the "potty" to train him. AND when you have searched out everything, you end up with a LOT of people telling you what to do. Making you even less sure of yourself and your abilities. As a recovering people pleaser, I can tell you, this is too much.
All I have ever wanted for Anthony was to be the best mom I could for him. But I realize now, what very important piece I didn't really give him. That NONE of the professionals with all their goals and objectives ever really explained to me.
Anthony needs a mom. A parent who doesn't wear the therapy hat ALL the time. A mom who doesn't buy toys with the ulterior motive of which motor skill it will assist. A mom who doesn't STILL "categorize" his toys by shape or color. A mom who wasn't on the phone with therapists or insurance companies as much as she was. A mom who doesn't have the IEP constantly running through her head as another "check list" to check.
A mom who can trust her own instincts.
So I quit therapies. All of them. Everything.
Am I letting the pendulum swing too far to the other side? Maybe.
Am I just too worn out right now to be this definitive? Probably.
Have I "given up" on my son? NEVER!!
I have a son who needs me in a very important way and I feel incredibly blessed to have had this revelation. I feel like I need to take this opportunity! Is it too late to be the mom he has always deserved? I hope not.
I assume the above line will unintentionally solicit some "you're a good mom" comments. But I need to be clear on this - I don't think I am a bad mom. It's just that, with Anthony especially, there is always more that I could be or should be doing to "help him reach his potential". At any given time I can rattle off 4-5 people whose expectations for me have not been met in what I do with him. And that carries a lot of feeling like I am never doing enough, essentially, because I am not doing it all.
I am getting over that.
So now what, you may ask, is my plan?
To (FINALLY) truly let him be a kid, and me be a mom. Sort of. My focus has changed drastically from thinking of him as a child, to thinking of him as an adult. I need to help him be more independent and teach him life skills. Now that we aren't rushing off and late to somewhere, I can take the time to teach him more. It's not about his milestones as much, although I still LOVE reaching them, it's about his adult life and a new set of "milestones" I guess.
Honestly, I think I have more work cut out for me with this decision than I had first thought. I am beginning to see how much I have let him become too dependent on me. And although I felt it was because I loved him and thought I was just helping, I think I have inadvertently taken away the exact struggles he may have needed to grow through. So it will be a little tough at first, but like every other thing he has learned to do on his own - it will be worth it! So I will prepare for the battle of sitting on my hands and biting my tongue, so that he can win the war of independence for himself.
I feel a sense of freedom in this, a relax in the pressure. I am learning to trust myself and my decisions. I am looking out for what really matters to his future, and letting go of the past. The good news, if I ever feel the need to put "therapy" back in, I have a library in my home that will point me in any direction I need. And I can open or shut the book at my own discretion.
If you will allow me to pass on my two cents in the raising of children that I have learned in this -
-Set them up if you have to, but let them fail! So they can learn to recover, cope and problem solve!
-Doing things for them, even out of love for them with the best of intentions, will only teach them they can't do it themselves.
-For every person who says you should be doing things a certain way, there is another saying it's wrong. And in five years they'll say something different anyway-So learn to decide for yourself.
-Let your kids make choices on the little things (like outfits, how to make their bed and clean their room), so that they feel confident later on the big things (friends, underage drinking, and boyfriends and girlfriends).
-Do the things THEY like to do, not just having them join you in your activities.
-Speak life-giving words into them!! What they CAN do! And the positive things you see in them.
- Take care of yourself - to model it to them - and to give yourself the time to think and process - so you can make decisions and learn to listen to yourself.
I wouldn't trade out a single therapy we did and I don't regret searching and doing everything we could, and did, do for him. He wouldn't be who he is if we hadn't. I just wish, if I could go back, that I would have had the belief in myself to have added my own mothering instinct into the mix of it all so much more. It's been there all along. I didn't need to spend as much time as I have wondering if I was doing it "right", because I would have known more about what was right for us.
Well, I am now. I have a lot of work to do, preparing him to be a man one day. A man of character. A kind-hearted, patient, hard-working, confident, compassionate, caring, and good man. As his mother, I will always nurture and protect, but more - I will honor him. For who he is, where he is, and who he will become.
