Reading Between the (Vacuum) Lines

I am about to admit something I have only shared with family and few friends. I guess I am a little embarrassed, but to share what I have learned, I must share how I have learned it.

I am...
a cleaning lady.

After Shaun lost his job, I began searching for a job, anything to make an income. I have about four jobs, three I only do once in a while. But my main job is that of cleaning people's homes. I have six now.

Although I STILL HATE the loading and unloading of my things into these kind people's homes - I guess because it is so obvious then, I have come to really enjoy this work. Well, I certainly don't hate it.

It's not my career path, but it is a fantastic job.

It has taught me some really wonderful things...

*Cleaning for 3 to 4 hours counts as a great workout.
*Time alone is so very precious.
*Listening to Steven Covey on your MP3 player can change your life.
*Music makes the job go faster.
*The right music can make ME go faster.
*There is great satisfaction in a job that is "done."
*Soul -searching happens inevitably.
*Cleaning ANY house without interruption is awesome.
*Making someone's day is worth more than they pay me.
*(Although) They pay me pretty good.
*The challenge is not to clean the home, the challenge is to clean the already clean home.
*A person's book collection is very revealing.
*The priorities of a person shows in their home as well.


But, the most amazing thing I have found in this endevour is... me.

This job has become like therapy for me.

Being a hard worker is very rewarding,
working hard gets your endorphins going,
and that much thinking time has put me in touch with a lot of feelings, realizations, and has forced me to go through some much needed healing. I have been known to leave my favorite house in tears many times. There's just something about that house that brings me closer to my own truths.

At first I hid from my kids who some of my clients were. Especially since one of them is my daughter's teacher. I had even asked her teacher to keep it a secret too (I didn't want the kids to have a reason to tease her). But then, while cleaning one day, I realized all I was doing was teaching my daughter that some jobs are better than others, and worse, to be ashamed of her mother. So, now it's in the open, and she thinks it's cool. (Gotta love fourth grade thought processes). And I am learning how to give myself worth.

I am also coming face to face with my need for other's approval and acceptance. I don't get that with this job. My only guess that they like it is that they pay me to do it, and have me come back. I have to tell myself I did a good job before I leave, and then rely on my own opinion and make my own decisions. That, however small, is a healing thing too.

I feel like I am getting to know who I am, my likes and dislikes, my goals, my dreams, my standards, even my purpose. I don't know it all yet, but I am enjoying the process.

Somewhere between those vacuum lines and polished sinks lie my heartaches, my pain, and my old self. And in the darkest of places I am discovering my new self. Actually, my real self.

This isn't the job I will do forever, but without it I wouldn't, and couldn't, be deciding my future the way I am. I am ever so thankful for the work, the income, and the insights I am getting from the experiences. Whatever I do in the future, I will know it will be the right thing for me. Because I have had nothing to do but think about it.

And in so many ways, I know that someday, when I look in the mirror - before and after I clean it - I will be happy with the woman I see.

(Don't) Leave it to the Professionals

After having Anthony, and realizing I had no idea what I was getting into, I looked to the "professionals" to guide us.

Well, initially.

Somewhere along the line I let "guidance" become "rule".

One of the most valuable life lessons I have learned from my son - you can't let someone else rule your life.

Most common sense reason is that they don't live your life, so why let them run it?

I have tried for years to do everything everyone told us to do. It has exhausted me. Most of the time I would look at the "to do" list from each therapist and doctor, and feel too overwhelmed to do any of it. And most days wouldn't. Doing the "flashcard" thing with letters, numbers, clocks, colors, and shapes has it's place. But if you are not careful - you can hit the very slippery slope of losing the role of "mother" to "therapist". And it completely zaps you. They all want so much. And for years, I gave as much as I could for their sake.

But I have turned a new leaf.

I have realized that these "professionals" aren't to be confused with "experts". And that searching out experts isn't the answer either.

Unless you are looking in the mirror.

You know who actually knows Anthony - me.

You know who actually loves Anthony - me.

You know who truly wants the best for him - me.

You know who can never quit, move to a new clinic, and switch professions - me.

As a mother, as any mother, we want the best for our kids. Many of us will read, go to speakers, catch an episode of Supernanny now and then, we can essentially walk our own paths.

But when you are a mom with a child with special needs, you don't even have to pick - the professionals just come and get you, tell you what to do, unwittingly scare you into doing it "for him to reach his potential". And in the unknown we find ourselves in - we do our damn-dest to follow through.

And if you are cursed with perfectionism, or double-whammied with people-pleasing like me, you can wear yourself out pretty fast - and completely forget that you have a half a mind to do a pretty damn good job with or without the "professionals". Because they DON'T always know what's best.

MOMS - (including myself)

Don't sell yourself short.

Think about what you want for your child and make your own path.

Take "advice" from those more experienced.

But never put them in front of your own heart.

Because, before any of "them", there was you.

All nine months, it was you.

Through the delivery, it was you.

Through those warm moments when they put that child in your arms, it was you.

Before the "diagnosis", it was you.

Before the charts, the tests, the bloodwork, the therapies and the doctors - IT WAS YOU.

And YOU will always be there.

Through the first steps, the first words, and the first day of school.

Through the skinned knee, the hurt feelings, and the sick days.

Through the school plays, the homecomings and proms.

Through the graduations, the first jobs, and first homes.

Possibly through their entire time on this Earth.

It will be you.

The "professionals" will come and go, their roles will change as your child does, and they will always tell you to do something more - that's kind of their job.

But You - you will be your child's constant.

You will be their source of love and respect.

You will be their example of courage and honor.

So do them proud.

Be their mom - You are the expert.

For their sake.

I say this mostly to myself - because for too long I have let others dictate my life, and I let it spill into my parenting. However innocent it was in the beginning, when I was scared and didn't know what to do, when it was easier to look to others for knowledge than within myself. It's not that way anymore. I am now a new person, and I am writing the rest of "my story". I am not scared anymore.

I am making my own path now.

I still have my "to-do" lists.

But now I actually write them.

And I am blessed to be having a lot more fun with my son... and my daughters.

Because now, with the assistance of a few select professionals, I am MOM first.

And I am the "expert"on Anthony.

Friday Fright Night

There are many moments, hours, even days at times, where I ask myself - "what WAS I thinking?" The night before Halloween, was one of those times.

I thought we could have a great family experience. I thought it would be fun. I thought it would be a memory cherished for the kids.

I thought wrong.

Although it made for a memory.

I got an invitation to a Halloween party for the kids to come dressed up, play games and win candy and prizes. It was at a middle school, put on by a church. I dressed up the kids and we invited Bella's friend Carlee. So it was me, a little butterfly, a fireman, and 2 witches. As we approached our destination, I felt something pull under my foot on the gas pedal and out of the corner of my eye caught a glimse of an impressive splash from hitting a mud puddle. I was slowing down, hit my blinker and began to turn. For a second, I had a funny feeling in my stomach something may have happened. Sure enough, as I went into my turn - there was no doing without full strength of both arms. Yep, the power steering was out.

Oh great.

I carefully steered the car into a self made parking spot and brought the troops inside. Not wanting to spoil the fun, I brought them in and resolved I would figure out something. As we went down the long hallway to the gym doors we encountered many costumes. And Anthony apparently encountered a growing sense of anxiey when we finally reached the doors. As the girls were all excited to go in and try their hand at bean bag toss, fishing, the cupcake walk and many others, Anthony proceeded to do as he usually does when faced with fear. He backed up.

He backed up to the wall across from the gym, took off his fireman coat and hat, crossed his arms and said "no". "Time to go home".

Oh great.

Honestly, I did expect it could happen. It proved to have been a good idea to explain that if this indeed would happen, the two older girls would go in and be in charge of Emma. And I would sit in the hall. So all I had to say was, "okay girls - you got Emma." And off they went.

Thus giving me opportunity to figure out the issue with the van. I found a worker for the event and asked her to sit with Anthony in the hall while I went to go check on the car. Since this has happened before, I looked under the hood and went for the serpentine belt. Yep, it came off when I hit the puddle and the water loosened it. I felt kind of cool, self sufficient in a way, that I could confidently diagnose the problem with my car. I knew it was time to call a tow truck.

Oh great.

As I was on the phone for the tow truck Anthony heard me say "tow truck". Now he was very upset for a whole other reason. He does not like watching the van get hauled away by the tow truck. Yes, this is not his first time. He was panicking and signing over and over - "no tow truck, mom car not broke".

This story is quite a long one, so here are the highlights of the rest of the night.

Anthony freaks out over the phone call.
Yelling to me while I am talking to the AAA lady.
I go down that long hallway with Anthony to look for the truck and anthony is yelling and running, faster than me, "don't leave, don't leave, mom car not broke." Meanwhile my heart is breaking.

We wait for a bit by the front doors.
AAA says they will call when they are 10 minutes out.
I call Bella's friend's mom to pick us all up. She says she'll call when she gets there.
Phone says 10% of battery is left.

We go back to the gym to check on the girls. Emma comes out and is done with all the activities, and I have missed all her "firsts" with this kind of event. And the guy at the front door comes to find me to tell me the tow truck is here.

I leave Emma with the same nice lady I left Anthony with and go meet the tow truck guy. Anthony runs with me.

The guy asks for my keys.
Can't find them.
Run back to see if they are by the coats in the all across from the gym. (This damn hallway is really long.)

Find them,
run them to the tow truck guy. (Who I just left Anthony with.)

The car leaves, Anthony is mad, and we head back to get the girls. I see the lady I left Emma with, but no Emma. She tells me she is with one of her friends. I think to myself - "hey, I don't know you, who the hell is your friend?!"

Run back. No Emma. Look in the gym. Go in the gym.
Leave Anthony at the door and pray he doesn't run away. Find the girls, they don't know where she is. We all look for her. (Freaking out a little now.)

Grab Anthony and head back down long hall way. Some cowgirl asks me if I am looking for a little ladybug, I say "no, how about a butterfly?" "Yes", she says, "she's with my mom".

Then here comes big smiley Emma with some lady dressed as a gypsy.

Okay, so now I have all four kids. Enough candy to skip trick or treating the next night, and gypsy lady sees fearful Anthony and goes and gets him a six pack of cars.

Anthony is so happy, he is ready to go play in the gym. UGH. Why did I not meet her when I got here??

Then Carlee's mom arrives.
Okay, finally, let's go home.

Oh wait, one more surpise... she leans in to me and says, "the d-o-g is in the c-a-r."

Oh, frickin' great!

(Anthony doesn't really like this dog.)

I look at the chocolate cupcake Bella won for anthony, that he wouldn't have anything to do with, and I say - "Well, I think I am going to need more than chocolate tonight."

We head to the car and as expected, Anthony freaks out over the dog, won't get in the car, it's raining and I am standing there asking myself - "what WERE you thinking?"

Finally, we get everyone in, and home.

I bought myself some wine for the next night. I wasn't taking any chances.

I laughed and laughed over this night. Still do.

That's the one really great thing about having a chaotic life... when shit happens, it's just another day.

Trick or Treat

So - here is a crew.

My little Fireman, 2nd year in a row.

Gotta love it. Not sure what we will do next year. We'll have to get creative. The stuff he really likes, they don't make in his size anymore.

Our little Butterfly.

And our scary witch.

Well, kind of.

This was on Friday night. I'll blog that story soon - "Friday Fright Night".Here are the girls on Halloween. A few changes. And then I ran out of batteries for the camera and couldn't get one of the three of them again. Pretty fun night.
Bella has on the cutest stripes, green down her neck, black hair, and "glow in the dark" glitter on her face, that didn't actually glow. Bummer.

And Emma. This smile is in every picture. She loves Halloween. Dressing up is great. And tons of people just give you candy!

All in all, a pretty fun Halloween.

Thank goodness for the extra hour of sleep, and places to donate all that candy!

(The kids only keep some and the rest goes to the "Good Witch" who takes it to other boys and girls who weren't able to go trick or treating. Nicest lady - she leaves my kids new coloring books every year. Although Bella figured it out this year and helped me set it up. It's kind of a bummer to not be able to surprise her anymore, but that feeling was replaced by being to do it together and having our own little secret. Now she helps me make things special for the other two. I think I like this better. )

Have a great day!

Sorry

To the few people who actually read my blog, I am sorry.

I try to keep my blog light and fun, and not "too much information".

But things here have been kind of rough, so I have not had much that I felt like doing.

But they are coming along much better, and there is a lot to share.

I am off to watch the Favre game. Who are we kidding, this game will be all about him.

I have a really bad feeling he will be booed by the Packers today.
I hope not.

No matter who you are as a fan - putting yourself in Brett's shoes would be pretty scary today.

Go Vikes!