I have been asking myself that a lot this week. I've been asking myself a lot of questions this week.
How am I going to do all this?
Did I really look into this good enough?
Maybe I should hire some help?
Am I qualified for this?
How bad did I screw up my kids?
Did it really NEVER occur to me that with all the added attention to Anthony, the girls wouldn't find a way to act up for some attention of their own?
There is a fine line between laughing at your situation, and finding yourself crying in the closet.
And there is a VERY fine line between educating yourself - and self-torture.
It's been a roller coaster ride this week.
But it has been wonderful!!
I have learned SO MUCH about Brain development! I have been truly captivated and absorbed, slightly obsessed and enthralled with this stuff. Maybe one day I'll be a therapist or, a dream of mine - a Child development researcher. Who knows? I always have said - by the time my kids are grown, I'll have a Ph.D. in something. You know how people are completely sucked into Harry Potter, or Twilight - Well THAT is me - except about the brain. The emotional, physical, and cognitive growth of it, has me fascinated. I was given a book to read "Reconnected Kids" that has me spinning. I am learning so much! The pieces of the puzzle are making sense and creating a picture!!! My favorite was when I was reading about how to more effectively motivate a child with a Left hemisphere deficiency. (Which is what Anthony has been assessed with). And although we didn't know it until now - we had been doing this ALL along without understanding why it worked better for him to use the techniques we had been. NOW it makes perfect sense. There have been SO many "a-ha" moments since I picked up this book and we have started this program. It's created more hope than I could have imagined.
It has also "educated" me on some environmental factors that can play a part in what we are dealing with with Anthony. This is where I have to be very careful. I find myself going beyond just "beating myself up" over what I did or didn't do when I didn't know what I was doing. What I wished I knew, "back then". It's hard to not do that, especially since I am a pro. But I am trying. It's both hard, and GOOD, to look at the truths about yourself. There are quite a few reasons I don't look in the mirror too often. Like most I am sure. But I am. I am taking a hard look at all of it. I am happy with most, but there are some big things needing some adjustments. I pray this process, as well as the in-home program we are doing helps me with those things.
Did I tell you this isn't the only thing we are doing for him right now? We started a different program as well about a month or so ago. A behavioral approach we came into to help us with the aggression and transition issues with Anthony, but it also helps with the girls. It's more of a Parent program than anything else. But it is wonderful!!!!!! It's helping me be the mom I most want to be, scratch that, the PERSON I most want to be. As I am reading in this book, speaking with the therapists, and planning with the "SuperNanny" as I call her, I realize something very profound - there is no coincidence that they are intertwining like they are. I am getting a consistent message loud and clear from this busy little combination. Shaun and I are making changes and breaking cycles.
And that's why it is so incredibly hard.
But there is good stuff in the hard stuff. And I am not yet where I want to be - but I am on my way.
And along the way - I will probably cry some more, but I will laugh too.
And last week, I laughed:
-While Anthony did some of the facial therapy techniques on me.
-When I got him to squeeze the ball 22 times, (when he only wanted to do 1 but is needing to do 25) because for every squeeze he did - I did a jumping jack - which totally cracked him up.
-When my car wouldn't start at the school, and after running through 20 different back up plans in 30 seconds of how to get to therapy on time and Bella ran back in to get help - it started.
- When on the way to therapy my speedometer was stuck at zero, so I just tried to "keep up". While contemplating the speeding ticket I was sure I was going to get - I wondered how to convince the police officer to drive my son to therapy with the "lights on" so he wouldn't be late.
- When the extra money we put in the savings on Monday only lasted until Friday because we had to fix the car.
- That I won't be the first one to turn on the juicer before remembering to put the pitcher under the spout and spray the kitchen with blueberries.
-When we sat down with the girls to explain all the changes around the house and the therapies, less screen time, nutritional changes, running to Woodbury all the time, child care stuff and the like and why we were doing this for Anthony... Emma did what every non-filtered kid gets to do her age. Ask a question we all want to know, but are too afraid to ask: "Will all this make him normal?"
Oh sweetie! I love you!
I just told her it will not take away Down syndrome, but it will make him the closest to normal God meant for him to be.
Keep praying if you are - we need it.
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