Will these ever go well?

I have a full-time job with my little guy.

I came home today to a packet to fill out for Anthony's appointment next month. We are going to the Gait Lab in St. Paul and apparently they would like to see if their already 6-inch file on him can fit just a little bit more. I have 15 pages to fill out. That shouldn't take long, I have nothing else to do, right? Ugh.

And then I had to take him in for a "well-child" visit. Well, my child's visit wasn't very fun.

I was about 4 months over due for it, and it showed. He has grown so much. Over the past year he has put on close to 10 lbs. and almost 4 inches. ?????? What????? Whoa!!!!!

He has also hit puberty. This is interesting territory for this mom. Barely moving out of potty training and right into needing to have the girls wait in the lobby so he can have privacy for his appointment. I couldn't believe I was discussing acne, shaving and deorderant. I just ordered him underwear for Christmas!!

He was quite a little man. Totally knew the drill. Went right to the scale, took off his shoes, got weighed, walked over to be measured, held out his arm for the blood pressure. Sometimes I wonder how this could be the same little boy who I held screaming for these things. Whose blood pressure was through the roof, if they got it, from all the stress. Now, he was like a pro. He even wanted to tell the doctor about himself and answer the questions she was asking me -- sooo precious. ( I translated as best as I could, he sure had a lot to tell her!)

He did all she asked of him so well, like a champ.

And then she reveals the bad news - he needs his blood drawn. UGGHHH!
I HATE these.
As she left the room, I reminded her - "bring your friends".

He totally thought he was done. He completely cooperated with everything she told him to do. He was ready to go.

And then they came. Four women, one with "the bucket". You know, the one with all the band-aids, test tubes, and alcohol swabs she could ever need. Who cares that she had on a stupid Santa Hat! Anthony saw that damn thing and bolted. This is NOT a dumb child! He knows that drill too, we both do - and it totally sucks.

He signed over and over - "scared, scared". But we had to do it anyway.

Now I will remind you - he is 4 feet 4 inches and 83 lbs.

We got him on the table and 4 of us held him down while Santa hat lady stuck him. (Curious side note - the fuzz on her hat was black, not white. It was like the grim reaper santa hat - what the hell is that?)

Anyway, she stuck him and then my little contortionist moved. Shit! The needle came out. And we had to do the other arm.
I hate when we have to do it twice.

Here's the funniest part - if there is such a thing. They said he had great veins. They ACTUALLY said that. This child has been told since birth that he has terrible veins. They roll, they're too tiny, they can't find them (that was my favorite - like he didn't have them or something.) But here they were actually telling me he had wonderful veins. They even used that word - wonderful. I'm not positive, but I am pretty sure I laughed out loud at that.

I also love how he can suprise those nurses. They all come in like they have all done this a million times (which I don't doubt), but they have this confident arrogance that "they got this kid's number". And he ALWAYS puts them in their place. The one nurse went on and on at how he did stuff with his arm she could have never prepared herself for, which is why the needle came out. I told them it was going to be very tough. When will they ever listen to me?

Finally he was done, they got enough blood and he was done. He hugged the nurse, and the doctor when he was done. I loved that. There's quite the forgiving heart, don't you think? Could you imagine hugging the people that stabbed you and the one who ordered it to be done? I think he was just so grateful they stopped.

I love this kid.


We have to do this every six months.

When he was a baby I couldn't even try to imagine the day he would ever be 40 lbs. Now he is twice that. And today I can't fathom the idea of a bunch of nurses and a mom holding down a 15 year old young man. Will this ever get easier?

Well, I guess that could be reason #238 to get myself in shape.

Bah Freeking HumBug

I wish I had the Christmas spirit, I really do.

It's next week.

I'm not "done" with anything, but at least halfway there on most of it.

The only thing that really haunts me is the "newsletter". Each year I attempt to write a piece of hope, love, or joy. I try very hard to walk the tightrope of trying to update everyone on our family, without soundling like a "brag" letter.

Well that shouldn't be a problem this year.
What would we brag about? Hell, I don't even want to admit to half of it.

The trick this year will be to actually find some hope and cheer to spread. I am sure there is some, but today I don't have it. Actually, just right now. I had a great day today. But right now I feel awful. How do I talk about hope and what a "great" year 2009 was?

It sucked.

My husband lost his job, we almost lost our marriage from the stress, and now we're losing our house. How's that for an update? That should make people want to stoke up the fire and snuggle with some hot chocolate. Don't ya think?

Well, the pictures of our totally awesome kids won't be done until Sunday. I can send out my cards and "update" on Monday and still be out before Christmas. So, I have 2 days to get my crap together and find something happy to write about.

Or maybe not. Maybe this year I'll go for honesty. Maybe I'll be more than "facebook fake" and actually tell people that 2009 was an awful year. It sucked and I hated most of it.

Well, I am going to go watch Rudolph with my kids. That usually gets me in the Christmas mood.

I feel kinda like that poor deer. A misfit. Just can't seem to find out why I was made the way I was. (Or in the situation I am in). I want to run away too.

I think I am at that part where I am just hanging out of the island of misfit toys wondering what the heck I am doing. Hoping one day - to lead the sleigh.


Besides,
2009...

It is over.
And we are going to be just fine.

Because we'll get new jobs, and another house, and we survived the test of our marriage, and are better than we ever were.

Hey, we still have our health.

(Could I be feeling a sense of "cheer" already?)

A good laugh

The other day, after struggling since we moved here, to find a good Sunday school option for the kids, like we had in Iowa, and having no luck - I decided to "home school" the spirituality of my kids. It's our overall job anyway as parents, so I decided to give it a shot a few Sundays ago.

We had a total blast!!!!

We spent 2 hours on it, everybody got into it. Even Anthony was in full attention. And did his memory verse super awesome everyday after.

In one of our discussions that day we talked about the four Gospels. Bella couldn't resist the urge to repeat over and over in a sing-song tone, "Matthew, Mark, Luke and John". She had all of us singing it actually. Even little Emma was just going to town with her new little song.

A few hours later, I was talking this over with my grandma and sharing with her how great the experience was, how connected to the kids I felt and how precious the family time was for all of us learning together as we went along.

Soon Emma appeared for a little snuggle time. While on the phone with my grandma, I quick asked Emma if she remembered the four Gospels we learned. (I was sure to impress grandma with this one.) At first Emma hesitated, so I prompted her with "Matthew...".

To which she thought for a moment and finished with -

"Matthew..............Jon... and Kate".

I laughed so hard.

So did grandma.

It's really only funny at first, because if you think about it for too long, it's kinda pathetic.

So I don't, and I continue to just laugh.

That kid ALWAYS cracks me up.

Bless her heart.

Reading Between the (Vacuum) Lines

I am about to admit something I have only shared with family and few friends. I guess I am a little embarrassed, but to share what I have learned, I must share how I have learned it.

I am...
a cleaning lady.

After Shaun lost his job, I began searching for a job, anything to make an income. I have about four jobs, three I only do once in a while. But my main job is that of cleaning people's homes. I have six now.

Although I STILL HATE the loading and unloading of my things into these kind people's homes - I guess because it is so obvious then, I have come to really enjoy this work. Well, I certainly don't hate it.

It's not my career path, but it is a fantastic job.

It has taught me some really wonderful things...

*Cleaning for 3 to 4 hours counts as a great workout.
*Time alone is so very precious.
*Listening to Steven Covey on your MP3 player can change your life.
*Music makes the job go faster.
*The right music can make ME go faster.
*There is great satisfaction in a job that is "done."
*Soul -searching happens inevitably.
*Cleaning ANY house without interruption is awesome.
*Making someone's day is worth more than they pay me.
*(Although) They pay me pretty good.
*The challenge is not to clean the home, the challenge is to clean the already clean home.
*A person's book collection is very revealing.
*The priorities of a person shows in their home as well.


But, the most amazing thing I have found in this endevour is... me.

This job has become like therapy for me.

Being a hard worker is very rewarding,
working hard gets your endorphins going,
and that much thinking time has put me in touch with a lot of feelings, realizations, and has forced me to go through some much needed healing. I have been known to leave my favorite house in tears many times. There's just something about that house that brings me closer to my own truths.

At first I hid from my kids who some of my clients were. Especially since one of them is my daughter's teacher. I had even asked her teacher to keep it a secret too (I didn't want the kids to have a reason to tease her). But then, while cleaning one day, I realized all I was doing was teaching my daughter that some jobs are better than others, and worse, to be ashamed of her mother. So, now it's in the open, and she thinks it's cool. (Gotta love fourth grade thought processes). And I am learning how to give myself worth.

I am also coming face to face with my need for other's approval and acceptance. I don't get that with this job. My only guess that they like it is that they pay me to do it, and have me come back. I have to tell myself I did a good job before I leave, and then rely on my own opinion and make my own decisions. That, however small, is a healing thing too.

I feel like I am getting to know who I am, my likes and dislikes, my goals, my dreams, my standards, even my purpose. I don't know it all yet, but I am enjoying the process.

Somewhere between those vacuum lines and polished sinks lie my heartaches, my pain, and my old self. And in the darkest of places I am discovering my new self. Actually, my real self.

This isn't the job I will do forever, but without it I wouldn't, and couldn't, be deciding my future the way I am. I am ever so thankful for the work, the income, and the insights I am getting from the experiences. Whatever I do in the future, I will know it will be the right thing for me. Because I have had nothing to do but think about it.

And in so many ways, I know that someday, when I look in the mirror - before and after I clean it - I will be happy with the woman I see.

(Don't) Leave it to the Professionals

After having Anthony, and realizing I had no idea what I was getting into, I looked to the "professionals" to guide us.

Well, initially.

Somewhere along the line I let "guidance" become "rule".

One of the most valuable life lessons I have learned from my son - you can't let someone else rule your life.

Most common sense reason is that they don't live your life, so why let them run it?

I have tried for years to do everything everyone told us to do. It has exhausted me. Most of the time I would look at the "to do" list from each therapist and doctor, and feel too overwhelmed to do any of it. And most days wouldn't. Doing the "flashcard" thing with letters, numbers, clocks, colors, and shapes has it's place. But if you are not careful - you can hit the very slippery slope of losing the role of "mother" to "therapist". And it completely zaps you. They all want so much. And for years, I gave as much as I could for their sake.

But I have turned a new leaf.

I have realized that these "professionals" aren't to be confused with "experts". And that searching out experts isn't the answer either.

Unless you are looking in the mirror.

You know who actually knows Anthony - me.

You know who actually loves Anthony - me.

You know who truly wants the best for him - me.

You know who can never quit, move to a new clinic, and switch professions - me.

As a mother, as any mother, we want the best for our kids. Many of us will read, go to speakers, catch an episode of Supernanny now and then, we can essentially walk our own paths.

But when you are a mom with a child with special needs, you don't even have to pick - the professionals just come and get you, tell you what to do, unwittingly scare you into doing it "for him to reach his potential". And in the unknown we find ourselves in - we do our damn-dest to follow through.

And if you are cursed with perfectionism, or double-whammied with people-pleasing like me, you can wear yourself out pretty fast - and completely forget that you have a half a mind to do a pretty damn good job with or without the "professionals". Because they DON'T always know what's best.

MOMS - (including myself)

Don't sell yourself short.

Think about what you want for your child and make your own path.

Take "advice" from those more experienced.

But never put them in front of your own heart.

Because, before any of "them", there was you.

All nine months, it was you.

Through the delivery, it was you.

Through those warm moments when they put that child in your arms, it was you.

Before the "diagnosis", it was you.

Before the charts, the tests, the bloodwork, the therapies and the doctors - IT WAS YOU.

And YOU will always be there.

Through the first steps, the first words, and the first day of school.

Through the skinned knee, the hurt feelings, and the sick days.

Through the school plays, the homecomings and proms.

Through the graduations, the first jobs, and first homes.

Possibly through their entire time on this Earth.

It will be you.

The "professionals" will come and go, their roles will change as your child does, and they will always tell you to do something more - that's kind of their job.

But You - you will be your child's constant.

You will be their source of love and respect.

You will be their example of courage and honor.

So do them proud.

Be their mom - You are the expert.

For their sake.

I say this mostly to myself - because for too long I have let others dictate my life, and I let it spill into my parenting. However innocent it was in the beginning, when I was scared and didn't know what to do, when it was easier to look to others for knowledge than within myself. It's not that way anymore. I am now a new person, and I am writing the rest of "my story". I am not scared anymore.

I am making my own path now.

I still have my "to-do" lists.

But now I actually write them.

And I am blessed to be having a lot more fun with my son... and my daughters.

Because now, with the assistance of a few select professionals, I am MOM first.

And I am the "expert"on Anthony.

Friday Fright Night

There are many moments, hours, even days at times, where I ask myself - "what WAS I thinking?" The night before Halloween, was one of those times.

I thought we could have a great family experience. I thought it would be fun. I thought it would be a memory cherished for the kids.

I thought wrong.

Although it made for a memory.

I got an invitation to a Halloween party for the kids to come dressed up, play games and win candy and prizes. It was at a middle school, put on by a church. I dressed up the kids and we invited Bella's friend Carlee. So it was me, a little butterfly, a fireman, and 2 witches. As we approached our destination, I felt something pull under my foot on the gas pedal and out of the corner of my eye caught a glimse of an impressive splash from hitting a mud puddle. I was slowing down, hit my blinker and began to turn. For a second, I had a funny feeling in my stomach something may have happened. Sure enough, as I went into my turn - there was no doing without full strength of both arms. Yep, the power steering was out.

Oh great.

I carefully steered the car into a self made parking spot and brought the troops inside. Not wanting to spoil the fun, I brought them in and resolved I would figure out something. As we went down the long hallway to the gym doors we encountered many costumes. And Anthony apparently encountered a growing sense of anxiey when we finally reached the doors. As the girls were all excited to go in and try their hand at bean bag toss, fishing, the cupcake walk and many others, Anthony proceeded to do as he usually does when faced with fear. He backed up.

He backed up to the wall across from the gym, took off his fireman coat and hat, crossed his arms and said "no". "Time to go home".

Oh great.

Honestly, I did expect it could happen. It proved to have been a good idea to explain that if this indeed would happen, the two older girls would go in and be in charge of Emma. And I would sit in the hall. So all I had to say was, "okay girls - you got Emma." And off they went.

Thus giving me opportunity to figure out the issue with the van. I found a worker for the event and asked her to sit with Anthony in the hall while I went to go check on the car. Since this has happened before, I looked under the hood and went for the serpentine belt. Yep, it came off when I hit the puddle and the water loosened it. I felt kind of cool, self sufficient in a way, that I could confidently diagnose the problem with my car. I knew it was time to call a tow truck.

Oh great.

As I was on the phone for the tow truck Anthony heard me say "tow truck". Now he was very upset for a whole other reason. He does not like watching the van get hauled away by the tow truck. Yes, this is not his first time. He was panicking and signing over and over - "no tow truck, mom car not broke".

This story is quite a long one, so here are the highlights of the rest of the night.

Anthony freaks out over the phone call.
Yelling to me while I am talking to the AAA lady.
I go down that long hallway with Anthony to look for the truck and anthony is yelling and running, faster than me, "don't leave, don't leave, mom car not broke." Meanwhile my heart is breaking.

We wait for a bit by the front doors.
AAA says they will call when they are 10 minutes out.
I call Bella's friend's mom to pick us all up. She says she'll call when she gets there.
Phone says 10% of battery is left.

We go back to the gym to check on the girls. Emma comes out and is done with all the activities, and I have missed all her "firsts" with this kind of event. And the guy at the front door comes to find me to tell me the tow truck is here.

I leave Emma with the same nice lady I left Anthony with and go meet the tow truck guy. Anthony runs with me.

The guy asks for my keys.
Can't find them.
Run back to see if they are by the coats in the all across from the gym. (This damn hallway is really long.)

Find them,
run them to the tow truck guy. (Who I just left Anthony with.)

The car leaves, Anthony is mad, and we head back to get the girls. I see the lady I left Emma with, but no Emma. She tells me she is with one of her friends. I think to myself - "hey, I don't know you, who the hell is your friend?!"

Run back. No Emma. Look in the gym. Go in the gym.
Leave Anthony at the door and pray he doesn't run away. Find the girls, they don't know where she is. We all look for her. (Freaking out a little now.)

Grab Anthony and head back down long hall way. Some cowgirl asks me if I am looking for a little ladybug, I say "no, how about a butterfly?" "Yes", she says, "she's with my mom".

Then here comes big smiley Emma with some lady dressed as a gypsy.

Okay, so now I have all four kids. Enough candy to skip trick or treating the next night, and gypsy lady sees fearful Anthony and goes and gets him a six pack of cars.

Anthony is so happy, he is ready to go play in the gym. UGH. Why did I not meet her when I got here??

Then Carlee's mom arrives.
Okay, finally, let's go home.

Oh wait, one more surpise... she leans in to me and says, "the d-o-g is in the c-a-r."

Oh, frickin' great!

(Anthony doesn't really like this dog.)

I look at the chocolate cupcake Bella won for anthony, that he wouldn't have anything to do with, and I say - "Well, I think I am going to need more than chocolate tonight."

We head to the car and as expected, Anthony freaks out over the dog, won't get in the car, it's raining and I am standing there asking myself - "what WERE you thinking?"

Finally, we get everyone in, and home.

I bought myself some wine for the next night. I wasn't taking any chances.

I laughed and laughed over this night. Still do.

That's the one really great thing about having a chaotic life... when shit happens, it's just another day.

Trick or Treat

So - here is a crew.

My little Fireman, 2nd year in a row.

Gotta love it. Not sure what we will do next year. We'll have to get creative. The stuff he really likes, they don't make in his size anymore.

Our little Butterfly.

And our scary witch.

Well, kind of.

This was on Friday night. I'll blog that story soon - "Friday Fright Night".Here are the girls on Halloween. A few changes. And then I ran out of batteries for the camera and couldn't get one of the three of them again. Pretty fun night.
Bella has on the cutest stripes, green down her neck, black hair, and "glow in the dark" glitter on her face, that didn't actually glow. Bummer.

And Emma. This smile is in every picture. She loves Halloween. Dressing up is great. And tons of people just give you candy!

All in all, a pretty fun Halloween.

Thank goodness for the extra hour of sleep, and places to donate all that candy!

(The kids only keep some and the rest goes to the "Good Witch" who takes it to other boys and girls who weren't able to go trick or treating. Nicest lady - she leaves my kids new coloring books every year. Although Bella figured it out this year and helped me set it up. It's kind of a bummer to not be able to surprise her anymore, but that feeling was replaced by being to do it together and having our own little secret. Now she helps me make things special for the other two. I think I like this better. )

Have a great day!

Sorry

To the few people who actually read my blog, I am sorry.

I try to keep my blog light and fun, and not "too much information".

But things here have been kind of rough, so I have not had much that I felt like doing.

But they are coming along much better, and there is a lot to share.

I am off to watch the Favre game. Who are we kidding, this game will be all about him.

I have a really bad feeling he will be booed by the Packers today.
I hope not.

No matter who you are as a fan - putting yourself in Brett's shoes would be pretty scary today.

Go Vikes!

De-Benched - Part 2 (See previous post)

A success!!!

Took the kids to the park tonight and played flag football, (thanks for the idea Lashawn!)

and tag.

What a blast. We all needed showers after that.

Great fun, great workout,

great to be off the bench.

I haven't laughed that hard for quite a while!!

They all were hilarious.

Confirmation and validation of a good decision:

Giggles, belly laughs, sweaty and dirty.

The best part?

When Bella, through her own belly laugh, says, with her "valley girl accent",

"See mom, you HAVE to be a kid again."

Like totally.

The De-Benched Mom

About 2 years ago, I got benched.

By my kids.

I used to be the mom who was out there playing at the park.

I helped push the swing.

Caught them when they went down the slide.

Held them up to do the monkey bars, and that handle sliding thingie.

I held their hand as they crossed the bridge,

and stood behind them as they climbed the ladder.

And then I got benched.

Now here I sit, watching, listening, on the edge of the bench waiting to see if they need me.

But they don't.

We are in a new season now.

Another phase of the "letting go" I suppose.

I remember envying those moms who sat and read a book, chit chatted with each other and shared stories, recipies, and the latest People magazine.

Now I am there.

And I don't like it at all as much as I thought I would.

Sure it's nice once in a while.

I like sitting there and watch them chase each other,

climb things they couldn't before, see them play, and hear them laugh.

But these days I find myself not feeling like talking with the other moms, I feel silly reading a book, I have no recipies, and celebrities just aren't as interesting as they used to be.

So today, I got off the bench.

Turns out - best thing I ever did.

I would love to believe I could be a homeschool mom. It's quite an incredible thing.

I would love to be able to afford to put my kids in sports activities. In fact, until recently, I have felt enormous mom guilt that I am not, since "all their friends are doing it".

So here's my new plan.

I am "De-benching"myself.

Lord knows I have a ton of weight to lose, and my best intentions of getting to the gym 12 times a month is costing me more than we can afford right now. ( I will try again next month).

And watching my kids play on organized teams is out of our league for cost, especially with 3 of them. And in the end, it's just another way to put myself back on the bench.

I thought to myself, instead of feeling like I am depriving them of this opportunity and feeling bad about it, I wondered what would happen if I spent 3 hours a week (the time I would have to find for practice times and game time for just one kid) playing with my own kids.

I am blessed enough with both a backyard and a front yard, and even a park within walking distance. What if, instead of out-sourcing it, I played soccer, basketball, baseball, and football with my kids?

For free.

What if after dinner, homework, chores- and before bath and stories - we played. They would learn teamwork, new skills, have fun, and have mom time.

And mom would get exercise-and a little more time with these kids.

It's a win-win.

I could be like a home schooling sports mom.

De-benched.

MMM?

I'll keep you posted.

Do Angels get overtime?

This is one of my all-time favorite photos. So angelic.

This is me, my dad, and Anthony while he was still in the NICU.

Yep, a peanut.

He lived there for the first 3 weeks of his life. So tiny (4 lbs. 12 oz.).

I had no idea back then what life would be like for us. Now 11 years I look back at this photo with such a fullness in my heart. I still remember all too well how scared I was, how fearful we all were. The unknown is soo...dark.

The thing I love about this picture, actually there are quite a few things.

That's my dad. The coolest man in my life. He's been there for the whole thing. There isn't a moment I don't remember the amazing love of that man.

Also, that's my son, my first baby, the one who has changed me into the woman and mother I am.

But the thing I want you to take notice of with this post is that light.

The beaming light coming in over our shoulders and onto Anthony.

Before, as I looked at that light I used to think; "it's the only shot I got that shows you how bright the angels are that watch over our little guy."

Today, I am wondering if there might be more than one.

Why can't he just stay little like this?
It would be so much easier.


Fast forward now.

To why I am grateful that our children are blessed with guardian angels,
and why I am sure that Anthony has more than one.


See this shot - This is why "Fireproof" has a whole new meaning in our house.
This occurred last Fall after Anthony watched us start our first fire in our new fireplace.
He is so observant.

We began with crumpling the newspaper, laying on the kindling, and lighting the matches. Did I mention Anthony loves fire? So the next day while I went to get Emma from pre-school, and Shaun was home working and taking care of Anthony who was home from school that day, he got an "idea". I was tempted to call up his old cub scout leader to see if he just earned his fire badge. But he did it exactly right. The newspaper, the wood, the matches. Well, not exactly right - he started it on the floor instead of the fireplace. Shaun got that funny feeling that something was up with Anthony, you know, when it's "too" quiet. Halfway down the stairs to check on him, the fire alarm goes off. Shaun hits the basement with the alarm sounding, Anthony under the coffee table, and the fire blazing on the floor. After putting it out, shutting off the alarm and getting Anthony out from under the table to see if he's all right, he takes a moment to take stock of what just happened. As he looks around, he counts 22 lit matches. 22!!!!
And not a mark on Anthony. Anywhere.

Do you believe in Angels?

Not sure?
Let's try again.

Today Anthony had another "idea".

I wish I had a photo of this, but you'll just have to use your imagination. As I was making dinner, Anthony went out to play. Not super comfortable with that all the time, but figured he'd be okay for a bit. I didn't want to burn dinner, again. So then, I was dishing up everyone's plates and talking with the girls when I remembered he headed out there just a few moments ago. So I asked Bella to head outside to get him for dinner. She came back in a hurry, and with the all too familiar panic in her voice says "I can't find him anywhere". So with a sigh of "here we go again", we all 3 head out. Except when I get out there, I don't see him either. Now I am in a panic.
My head races- "do I run to the park, the neighbor's, how long do I look before I call the police..." . Apparently this panic looks familiar to the neighbor as well, as she hollers from across the street - "Are you looking for Anthony?"
I think to myself- "yes, the search won't be long." I reply back, "Yes-have you seen him?"

She says "Yes, he went that way, to the backyard."
"With the lawn mower".
"And it's running".

"WHAT?!!!"
Well, this is an introduction to a new kind of panic as I run off to the backyard and follow the "path" in the grass. Yep, there he is. "Mowing the lawn." I run like I never have (I'll have to use this as a visualization for my next 5K). Anyway, I scared him when I came up behind him and he looked up at me.
OHH, did I want to yell at him. He could have....I didn't even want to think about it.

But then I saw his face.

He was beaming!
He was sooooo proud of himself.
He did his hand gesture of "look what I did mom",
and then signs that he is a "big boy" and "just like dad".

I couldn't do it. I couldn't yell at him. I just was struck in my heart to only say,
"wow, Anthony. You did it all by your self!! You are a big boy to mow the lawn!"
I think he grew an inch right there.

I could have, as the total freaked out mom that I was,
crushed him down with what I could have said, what I wanted to say.
But instead, I calmly told him that he was awesome. And that next time he should let mom or dad watch him because it was a big job to see. And that now we will put it away and go eat dinner. He wasn't happy about that very much, but he did get to "park it".

And as we pushed it up the hill, I thanked God for those Angels of his.

Now I was sure he has two.
They gotta take shifts with this one.

And as we went inside,
I hid the key to the lawn mower.

Right next to the matches.

Against the odds... and still going

A Beautiful, overdue, amazing getaway. Every couple deserves one.

Taylors Falls

My Sweetie!

My husband and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary on the 31st,

and sometimes I don't know how we have made it this far.

According to today's research and society's standards -

there are a ton (well at least 13) reasons why we shouldn't still be together.

The stats say:

ONE - Out of every 2 marriages ends in divorce.

TWO - We only dated for 2 months before he proposed. I'm sure that is not advised.

THREE - Children can add substantial stress to a marriage - we have 3.

FOUR - Experts say married couple's can keep their marriage strong by dating once a week.

We are lucky to get 4 a year.

(I don't know anyone, with kids, who can still date 4 times a month - power to you if you are!)

FIVE - The average hours of sleep we get a night. Not helping the stress/patience levels.

SIX - Our sixth anniversary was our last "couple's weekend away".

SEVEN - There's the seven-year itch. Come and gone.

EIGHT - Eight of 10 marriages with a child with a disability ends in divorce.

NINE - Moves/relocation can add major stress to a marriage, we have done it 9 times.

TEN - Only 10% of marriages where one spouse is in the restaurant industry makes it.

ELEVEN - The amount of months we were engaged and "living in sin".

TWELVE - The amount of waking hours we see each other...a week.

Not too much opportunity to move beyond just updating each other of life's events.

THIRTEEN - Another major life stress can be job changes, these can be too much for just one person, but our relationship has gone through 13 job changes between the two of us,

and we are not even done yet.

I won't say any of it is easy. Most of the time it is just too much. It really does wear on each of us. We say things we wish we could take back, we get selfish, and we miss opportunities to be loving. And there are many days, and many reasons beyond these, that each one of us has our turn at wanting to just quit. And sometimes, only knowing that we don't want to quit is all we have.

But then there are these other days.

Days that make the hard ones better than bearable. Days that feel like the first kiss, the first time we saw each other, and like we are the only two people in the world that matter. There are moments when he looks at me, or when I hear his voice, and I still get butterflies. There is excitement in my heart when he calls, or when he pulls in the driveway. There are days when he does or says something that takes my breath away and reminds me so vividly as to why I married him, and why I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

There isn't always flowers or cards, but there is always a net. The one that he holds out to catch me whenever I feel the world caving in, or our world is falling apart. The one that he holds out every time I worry about the kids, another "issue" with Anthony, or just when that "what if..." fear creeps in.

Our "like" for the other can have it's moments, but we do truly love each other. The "world", and even some people in our lives, probably think we shouldn't still be together. But God doesn't let us go. He reminds us, just when we need it, that no matter what, we are meant to be together. Sometimes it's at the last second, but it's always just in time.

Just look at my list again, there is just cause for us to have had enough.

But we are still going, God can make all things possible.

And "just 'cause" we are sticking it out.

I thank God for our recent 2 days together, and my mom who had the kids. We had the time of our lives, did some major healing of each others hearts and just had a blast together!! We went to Taylors Falls, had some great conversations and even some belly laughs.

With our recent life changes, laughs have been missed.

I also thank God for a husband who is an amazing cook!!

Gotta love a guy who can turn your kitchen table into a four star restaurant -

without the waitress always coming to ask how things are just when you take a bite.

I love you honey, I am so glad that after 13 years, and after so much, - we still "fit".

Little Lessons Learned

Today was a very productive day, got a lot done and learned quite a few things about my life today.

Just for kicks here is a top 15:

15. If you mow the lawn, and have your music blaring in your ears to hear it over the mower, you will get an earache. (And maybe need to go to Oklahoma to visit your favorite audiologist.)

14. Too much time working in the sun, without enough water is a sure fire way to bring on a headache.

13. Mowing the lawn after 2 - 3 days of rain (and a week) is a bit like mowing a field. But makes the best "vacuum lines".

12. Coloring on a blanket in the shade is very cool.

11. If I am tied up with the mower - my kids can make a healthy lunch with great cooperation all on their own. They even dished me up and cleaned up after.

10. Anthony REALLY likes mowing the lawn with me. He pushes a grass seeder/fertilizer thing right next to me the whole way. It is a favorite time for me.

9. The weed wacker is still one of my top accomplishments for the summer.

8. (I REALLY need to get out more.)

7. Fresh cut grass is a great smell.

6. So is the old stuff dried out in the bag - reminds me of baling hay with my grandpa, dad, uncles, and cousins when I was a kid.

5. Calloused hands from hard work feel better than any manicure.

4. Venting too much in a vulnerable moment of pain to the wrong person, is like throwing yourself in front of the Truck of Judgement. Never to get up again.

3. Just when I thought my life couldn't get any worse, I hear of someone else's struggle and I realize that I don't have a thing to complain about.

2. Watching movies I have already seen late at night, aren't worth the loss in sleep.

1. I am learning, sometimes the hard way, who my true friends really are.

At that was just today.

When it Rains, It Pours

I always thought living in Seattle might be cool. I am reconsidering that after the last few days of rain. It's only been 2, but I am done now. Grateful for my green grass though.



Recently a friend gave me a great compliment. She said that I was so "positive", able to see the bright side of things no matter what. I have been running that through my head the last few days and I am pretty sure I am not earning such a compliment.



My very hardworking husband was unable to take the 10 days off he had hoped for when he started his job, it got knocked down to 4. Although very disappointed, I tried to rally myself into a great 4. And then 2 days before leaving, it got knocked down to 1. I was heartbroken. I was so looking forward to this time as a family, and quite honestly, the help. I adore my three kids, but there is a reason there are 2 parents. I try hard, but I am not a "one-woman show". Nor do I want to be.

Anyway, totally bummed I tried to make the best of it. I took the kids to see my grandparents for an overnight, took them 4 wheeling, got them full of mud doing it and earned "cool mommy" points. We all got spoiled by my grandparents with our favorite foods, and the kids had more pop than they usually have in a month. Then off we went to the cabin. We were going to be joined by Shaun at midnight and have Sunday together, along with the extended family. Before he had to go back that night for work on Monday and Tuesday. He was then going to come back on Tuesday night to spend all of Wednesday with us.



On the way there on Saturday, however, our van broke down. The belt that runs the whole thing slipped off. The water coolant wasn't working, the battery was dying, and the power steering was gone. I literally wrestled the car into a shop with lights flashing and bells dinging. The kids were freaking out, and honestly so was I. The silver lining? I made it to the shop instead of stopping in traffic and getting hit, the guy was stuck there an hour after closing doing paperwork and let me in, he had a loaner for me, and my brother in law came from the cabin and helped me get all our things out there for the week. After that I took the kids to Space Aliens to eat (and hold them over) and then dragged them to the grocery store. I will never again look disapprovingly at a mother with her kids at the grocery store after 9:00 pm, sometimes life just works out that way.



Sunday was awesome, lots of fishing, a ride on the pontoon, time with Dad and grandma. Bella even got to practice using her very first filet knife on some of the sunfish we caught. (More mommy points for buying her the thing. But dad gets all the glory for teaching her. I know how, but I can't watch her with a knife. I know I learned at the same age, but it's different watching your kid.)

Everyone left us on Sunday and on Monday we enjoyed Munsinger gardens, for 2 hours. Bella said it reminded her of the book "The Secret Garden" she had read and all of us thought it was the "best day ever". Finally we got the call that the car was done. Way too much money later, we headed back to the cabin.



Tuesday we SOO enjoyed the company of my best friend Jodi, her 2 little ones, her sister and her baby and later on, my cousin and her 2 little ones. Outside of the toilet pumping water all the way into the kitchen, we had a fun day. The kids all fished, played in the sand, went swimming and laughed! After her sister and my cousing left, Jodi and I braved and conquered the grill (coal and lighter fluid style) and did a campfire, complete with smores for our kids. Shaun showed up just in time to take us all on the pontoon for a ride. ( I will be THE coolest mom if I ever learn to drive that thing.) After we got the little ones down, Shaun and I enjoyed doing some "research" on some wine for his store while we played some cribbage.

Soooooo excited for the next day, we all went to bed.

And woke up to thunderstorms.

About 10:30, we finally called it, packed up and headed home. In the worst rain I have driven in in a long time. Just missing the tornado that went through minneapolis we got home. UGH!!!!!!!

We decided to hit one our wished for destinations for the summer, the Science Museum. The dinosaurs rocked, the Titanic was awesome (although a GREAT date night, wouldn't recommend for little ones), and the anatomy area was sufficiently gross for the kids to just love. Lots of fun, way too much money, geez, but lots of fun!

We finished the day with a pizza and a game of memory.

Although our summer vacation was not even a half a week, it wasn't to Duluth, it wasn't to Gooseberry Falls, not even the North Shore, or the Boundary Waters - it was laughs, it was fishing, there was water, there was boating, and there was all of us. It wasn't much, but I'll take it.

I'm only pouting a little.

Small Heart Attack

That's what I had today.

My son, who gets overwhelmed at crowds sometimes, can leave the situation to escape his fears - most of the time.

However today, while I was picking up Emma from a Birthday Party, at the Mall of America in the American Girl Store, along with her little friend, Anthony decided to "leave" the situation. While I was having Emma use her "manners" - say goodbye politely, say thank you and happy birthday to the little girl - he left.

I lost him.

This happens way too much.

I prep him, let him know what's coming, what's expected and think I have it all under wraps, and then off he goes. When I am not looking.

Today was the first time I ever had to get help and have an employee ask for his description as she called a "Code Adam" over her walkie talkie. (Those are 2 words you never want to hear!!) The feeling that swept over me I can't even put into words. The fear, panic, frustration, where in the hell is he, and still keep track of the other three kids with me. I didn't know if I should go back the way we came down the stairs, or out into the mall from the upstairs. He likes the escalator, but maybe he just wanted out and stayed upstairs. God, I had no idea what to do!!Ugh.

Finally I see him out of the corner of my eye. He went out of the store completely and was waiting patiently at the door. He knew enough to stay near, just not by me. Three fricking minutes can feel like a lifetime. And poor Bella. We always split up and search. I pray every time I don't lose her while we are looking for him. And she gets just as scared as I do. She'll be gray before she's 20 at this rate.

I don't drink, but I today I feel like I need something.

Maybe some dogtags for the kid, and a flask for the purse?

Aaagghhhh!

Every little bit counts

So with all that has been going on here, I have really let go of myself again. Just stopped everything that was good for me in the hopes to care for others. Funny - it's just like they say- if you don't take care of yourself first, you don't have much to draw from to take care of others. So in the midst of our circumstances, I am trying again to get "back on the wagon" (which I swear just RAN ME OVER recently).

As a mom of three, and a woman, multi-tasking isn't just an option - it's survival.

So I am doubling up on everything I can to take care of myself and others.

My husband and I hardly ever see each other. What do you do when the "other woman" is a much needed source of income? Well, to stay connected we have a beer on the deck at the end of the night, we play cribbage, we use his one day off a week to do family activites, and we email or call each other. He has to work, but we can keep it from killing our relationship. And by taking care of him and us, I am a much happier person to keep on keeping on.

I started watching an incredible pastor give his messages online. His talks are moving me spiritually and last just long enough for me to do a head to toe weight lifting routine. Now 3 times a week I look forward to "working out" and gaining some great perspectives on life and how to live a happy one. Honestly, it is saving me from my circumstances, offers me hope and guides me daily in my interactions with my exhausted husband and never tired children.

I am also working on my cardio and my relationship with my girls. This week we have gone canoeing for an hour and 3 times so far this week we have gone on a "run"/bike ride. I run, they bike. Although it is 1.7 miles in distance, I hope it still counts as a good workout since we stop to look at baby toads, tiny grasshoppers, butterflies, millipedes, catepillars and feed the ducks along the way. And while canoeing we are spotting turtles, animals, herons, frogs, and snakes. I might not be burning as much in calories, but I know that even better - there are memories burning into their hearts.

I am working on living a life of patience while also trying to teach my son. We are working on his "behavior" problems and in doing so, I am learning new ways to interact with him through exercise, physical play and sensory therapies. As well as enjoying him laugh, be silly, and grow. I am also learning to go gluten-free again in order to help him even more. SO in teaching my son better alternatives, I am gaining new knowledge (good for the brain), I am getting more exercise (good for the body), and I am learning to cook better (new skill). And I am even getting to have fun and make memories with him too.

Building the relationships with my husband and kids is crucial to me. I have to do these other things too, for myself. So I feel considerably blessed that I can take care of myself in lots of ways, AND grow closer to my family at the same time.

What a lucky girl am I.

Damn - I had to blink.

See this little one? She's the adventureous one. She is small in size, but she is bigger than life in everything else. Did I ever tell you that she used to wear beaded necklaces all the time? She used to suck her thumb with all of her fingers open and out to the side. She didn't get hair until she was close to two. She could climb before she could walk. She was coloring at a year old. She would spend so much time pulling all of the books of the shelves, just so I could restack them. She used to try to stand up in the tub. I was so scared she would fall. She tells stories like nobody else. She likes to stay up at night. She thinks Jesus is a powerful man and tells me she loves me... to heaven and back again. She is 5 now and I can't believe I have to go buy her a back pack this year. I can't even see to type this through the tears.



Oh, and this one! She used to swing for hours. She loved being outside, and still does. She had a pacifier. She never ate at day care, so she nursed all night long. She gave even grandparents a hard time when they would babysit, always wanted her mama. Her first word was puppy, and she has wanted one ever since. We used to color a lot, she loved when I read to her, and she used to think laundry was fun. At least rolling around in it, and hiding under the basket. She stuck up for her brother at 4 years of age - to some 3rd grade boys. And told her friends that NO ONE laughs at her sister! (Emma was potty training and pulled her pants down in front of the school to tell me she had to go). She has profound thoughts and is very strong-willed. She will be in the 4th grade this year - 2 years to MIDDLE SCHOOL!!

And this little guy? He used to commando crawl faster than "Lightning McQueen". He sang and did the actions for Hokey Pokey before he could walk. His first word was "Papa" at age 3. He had his first taste of fresh crab on the coast when he was 18 months and still loves it. He didn't learn to nurse until he was four months old. He knew all the letters of the alphabet at 3 even though his teachers didn't believe me. He has a laugh like no one else, and always has. He is very sensitive to other people's emotions. He has always loved music and dancing...and cars. Even has a baby, he patted your back when he hugged you. I think he is closer to God than any of us. EVERY day that I pick him up from somewhere - he is SOO happy to see me. Since he was a little preschooler, he would run to me like it had been days, not hours, since we had seen each other - he still does that. He will also be 4th grade, his voice his starting to change and my boy is still a boy, but beginning to change into a young man.

When does it happen and how does it happen? It just goes so damn fast!

I swear I was just holding her and she was pulling on my hair.

It was just the other other day when he was climbing in the cupboards and throwing the tupperware on the floor...wasn't it?

I used to have to cut up her food.

We used to cut shapes out of paper.

She used to nap in my arms.

He used to fit on my lap.

I held them in my arms, nursed them, stayed up late with them, snuggled with them, calmed them, carried them, spun them around the kitchen dancing, blew up balloons for them.

When did it switch to them riding off on their bikes, reading on their own, going over to a friend's house, or talking on the phone to somebody besides grandma?

When did they become so independent?

And why, God, why did I wish for this?

For them just to sleep through the night -

and now I don't have that quiet time where I could watch them sleep.

For them to just play on their own so I could get something done -

and now I have to come up with things to do while they are gone to play with each other or friends.

Why did I wish for them to be just a little bit older?

I blinked!

And now they are 5, and 9, and 11!

I miss my babies tonight.

The ones who were just here a second ago I swear.

The ones who seemed to just visit for a bit, and now have grown into children.

I know if I don't slow down, I will be regretting missing these years too.

Because damn it, I'll blink again and they will be teenagers,

and then I'll close my eyes once more...

and they'll be gone.

Tomorrow we are having a family day.

And I will keep my eyes open and enjoy every moment of it.

So please... if you have little ones, or big ones,

Go hug them a little tighter, put the "TO DO" list down,

and savor the chance to spend a day with them.

And whatever you do:

Don't blink!

The Perfect Friend

I have this friend. She is amazing and I have to tell you about her.

She is beautiful! Inside and out!

She is confident.

Her character is strong.

She sends me the nicest emails, the sweetest cards and the most thoughtful gifts.

Where others have mocked my reading choices, she sends me more for my collection.

She enjoys being in the moment with her children.

Her home has a calming effect when you walk in.

Her listening skills and advice are therapeutic.

She is Godly, and encourages my Faith Walk.

She calms me down when I am angry.

She holds me when I cry.

She makes me laugh when I am down.

She changes my perspective when I feel hurt or alone.

She calls to check in on me.

She remembers my birthday.

With her encouraging words, I feel like a great mom and that I can truly handle anything that comes my way.

She inspires me to be ME.

She reminds me to care for myself when I forget to.

She knows just what to say, and when to say it.

Being in her presence makes me feel peaceful.

She accepts me, my husband, and ALL 3 of my kids.

She makes me feel talented, and encourages all of my efforts to practice my skills.

She says it like it is...with respect.

She doesn't try to be anybody else.

She sweeps in and helps me.

I have forgotten how to even ask for help, but she sees the needs I have,

and just rescues me before I can catch my breath to thank her.

She gives me hope, patience, and love.

She gives me wisdom in caring for my children now that hers are older,

and with her younger ones, she shows me how to appreciate the time I have with my kids.

And reminds me of how fast the time goes.

She has a simple life that focuses on the things that truly matter.

She takes care of herself.

All of these things make her the most important in my life. Because without her, I am not me. I have no goals, and I have no appreciation. She gives me all the support I could ever need at the times I need it. I don't know what I do without her.

She is perfect.

But she doesn't exist.

Well, she does, but not as one person.

My "perfect" friend is a number of friends that I have been blessed with in my life. They have come in, they have gone out, some have been complete strangers, and some are lifelong sisters. All of them were put into my life to add to it. To help me define me, to inspire me to grow, and to teach me. She has educated me about what really matters, and who really matters. She is simple and she is grand.

But see, she is not perfect. Because "she" is many. It takes a number of people at a number of moments in our lives to make those impacts. And they do. But no one person can be all of these things for another person. She would be amazing, but she wouldn't have a life of her own. She would be everything to everyone... else.

Here is the one perfect lesson I have learned through her though:

I can stop trying to be her.

I can be what I can to who I can, when they need me to. But I can stop trying to be everything for everyone else, I can stop trying to be perfect. I can breathe.

When I am needed as a friend, a wife, a mother, a daughter, and a sister I can answer the call. And when I need to be me -
She has given me the permission to do that too.

God love her.


A special thank you to all of you who have helped to mold me into who I am. I only pray that I can touch your lives the way you have touched mine. I wouldn't be here without you.

And since I am a "work in progress" I look forward to talking to you soon.

Taking the Good with the Bad

You know that saying, "taking the good with the bad".

I think it's kind of like counting your blessings when times are tough.

And as you may or may not know, times here are tough.

Sometimes they just plain suck.

So in the spirit of trying to stay positive, when at times I just want to collapse and cry, I have developed my own little comparison list of bad vs. good to see the silver lining.

Here it goes:

The Bad - Anthony's new physical therapist has a PhD. and has never heard of the "common" sleep practices of children with DS and the possible effects that may have on the poor development of his hip, knees, and feet. (He sleeps folded over in half, head resting on his feet.)

The Good - I guess I know more than some chick with her PhD.

The Bad - Although I adore his speech therapist, she doesn't do anything that much different than what I do at home.

The Good - I could make a decent speech therapist.

The Bad - My husband works 12-14 hours a day, 6-7 days a week. He isn't here to help with anything, I don't get any breaks, and I drag my kids everywhere.

The Good -I get to take my kids to the zoo, the park, hiking, fishing, the cabin and the library. I get compliments on how well behaved they are when we go to the store, bank, post office, social services office, therapy centers, restrurants, hair salons and meetings. I get to be there for every skinned knee, bad dream, first bike ride, story read, puzzle finished, and new skill.

I am becoming very independent. I am learning to master a crazy schedule, insurance companies, finances, and the weed wacker. My kids are learning to help cook, clean, do laundry, and have fun doing it. At night I can stay up on the internet, talk to my friends, read books, and watch whatever I want on TV.

The Bad-I still really miss my husband.

The Good - Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

The Bad - I know of five couples going, or have recently gone, through a divorce.

The Good - I am not one of them.

The Bad - I feel so very lonely at times.

The Good - God gave me some really great friends and family that check in on me, send me encouraging notes, and bless me daily.

The Bad - We are so broke. He took such a hit in pay for this new job. We can't afford anything.

The Good - I have been fortunate enough to start working a bunch of different jobs that come in here and there and continue to provide for us. I have found some great things to do with the kids that are free! We all are helping each other out, and enjoying ourselves. I would bet that my kids are learning some very valuable lessons in all of this that I never would have been able to teach otherwise.

The Bad - In caring for everything and everyone else, I have neglected to care for myself again. I have fallen off of my workouts and healthy eating again. Even just doing things that give me moments of happiness, for ME.

The Good - I can start again. Again.

The Bad - Our new huge TV broke.

The Good - We got all our money back, and put it towards the house payment. Just in time.

The Bad - No TV to watch.

The Good - Catching up on reading, writing, sleep, and paperwork.

The Bad - I am ALWAYS behind and never "caught up".

The Good - I am NEVER bored, and I always have something to do.

The Bad-I don't know what to do with my life to get us out of this.

The Good - I have options.

So, I guess life is really just how you look at it. I have a life that most wouldn't choose, and right now I sure in hell wouldn't. But that's only if you look at the bad. It might be crazy, but it won't last forever.

But the Good stuff? I wouln't trade a single moment of it. I guess you could call me the "lucky one", but I am pretty sure I am fresh out of luck.

But I will call myself...blessed.

Poker Mom

Life.

It can be...

a beach.

a bitch.

or like a box of chocolates.

Well, I think mine is like a poker game.

Each day, sometimes each moment, I am dealt a new hand.

Sometimes I get a "pair". It could be "aces" like when the girls work together to get Anthony through a rough time. Yesterday we went to Como zoo and he wouldn't get out of the car. Together I just watched the two of them go through all kinds of ideas and suggestions to get him through it and out of the car. And they did.

Somtimes I get a "run". Actually, I just run. I run to doctor's appointments, the grocery store, therapy centers, the post office, school, many others, and if I am lucky... I run to the cabin.

Sometimes I get a "flush". Now one of my favorite sounds- is when I send Anthony to the bathroom, and I get a "flush". Since he is now 11 and he first went potty on the toilet when he was 2, I have officially been potty training for 9 years. We are doing great now. As long as I remind him to go, he gets there, and he stays dry all day and night. He is now even wearing underwear!! The "Royal Flush" is a "you know what" in the toilet, that I don't have to change.

Sometimes I get a "full house". This can be when we actually do have a full house with all five of us, maybe some friends and family visiting too. But mostly, it's when I have all 3 kids needing something at the same time, the phone is ringing, the paperwork is calling me, and the dinner is about to burn.

Sometimes I get a "straight". Or, more appropriately, I keep our life straight. All the appointments, bills, paperwork, doctors, teachers, homework, meals, laundry, cleaning, jobs, activities and schedules. I work very hard to keep it all straight.

Emma is usually my "joker" as our comedic relief.

The "odds" are almost never in my favor.

Every activity can pose to be a "longshot".
Especially when Anthony will take off one direction, and the girls go the other in a largely public place and I have to decide, QUICK, which way to go.

I am always "an active player". But I am pretty sure I don't get a lot of chances to be the dealer. A lot of my days would not be this "dealer's choice."

I may not want to be somedays, but I am "all-in".

The therapists, doctors, and teachers keep raising the "ante".

Thanks to a lot of reading and online research,

I do have an "edge" over some other players I know.

Since I have 4 jobs starting this Fall, house cleaning, daycare, babysitting and a standardized patient at Northwestern college - I am officially a "jack" of all trades. (and the master at none.)

There are a lot of days I want to just "fold". But I can't even "pass".

This is my job, my life, and actually my choice to stay in the game. I could quit, a lot of people do.

But I can't. I just can't.

I might not get dealt a very good hand on a day to day basis,

and I am pretty sure I am not always working with a full deck.

The real "deal" is that most of the time I don't even know how to play and if I do anything right, some could "call it" "Beginners Luck".

But my kids are "three of a kind". They make the game worth it.

So all my "chips" are always on the table.

I have a "legitimate hand".

And my only "poker face" is a smile.

Now I hate going to the doctor

So, today pretty much was nuts. Today's events were not typical for us, but not the first like it, and I am sure not the last.
Here are the cliffnotes, because it is too long for even me.

5:30 am - Woke up because Bella was so excited to take the dog we are caring for this week out for her morning walk. Bella! Dressed and ready at 5:30 AM!!

6:00 am - Checked emails, read 6, sent 2.

7:00 am - Got everyone ready for the day.

8:35 am - Had a disagreement with Shaun on my way out the door to an appointment with Anthony regarding our "tone" with each other. Still gotta fix that.

8:45 am - Went to Minnetonka to see Anthony's Down syndrome specialist with Anthony and left the girls and the dog home with dad.

9:15 am - Arrived for our 9:30 appointment, thought it would take an hour at the most because we didn't have any "issues", so I made my grocery list and menu plan in the waiting room.

During the appointment found out some "issues" I wasn't prepared for, to hear, or to deal with.

• Anthony gets blood draws every six months to check for different things common to DS. Thyroid, zinc levels, IGA antibodies (for celiac disease) and other common things. Turns out his IGA levels are low and need to be closely monitored. Unfortunately, he may have a false reading so now we have to keep testing, and watch for symptoms of Celiac in order to warrant the conclusive results through an endoscopy.
• Anthony's speech concerns are heightened with his lack of social interaction and intense frustration levels and we are increasing speech therapy 2 times a week. I now need to check with insurance to cover a fancy computer that helps him communicate with others. The signing just isn't cutting it anymore. I also need to go to speech too, to be trained on how to use this thing on a day to day basis and attend a parent workshop for it. I just hope that the "cool toy" he thinks it is now, he actually uses to help himself and his connections to others.
• Because of his communication barriers and intense frustration levels, we are getting connected to an in-home behavior therapist that I need to meet with, fill out forms for, and schedule to make weekly visits to my home.
• On top of it we might need to look at "medications" for his aggitaion and irritability issues, like anti-depressents or ADHD stuff.
• Since we need to do all this, we "really should" get a county social worker - which is code for get it done before our next visit because I will be checking. FYI- The paperwork for this person to "help" our family is why I don't have time to write a real book. They want all his evaluations, his school records, birth certificate, medical history, and want to know who he lives with, when he first crawled and took his first steps, said his first word and sentence, among a million other things. Talk about time consuming.
• Oh yeah, my favorite - we now need to add physical therapy once a week to help him with his legs. Apparently his gait is quite affected and she thinks PT and new orthodics for his shoes may help. This is all in an effort to avoid a possible surgery to "correct" the problem.
• After we go see what the Orthopedic surgeon says in October when we have the x-rays done on his hips, knees and feet to locate the problem areas.

12:20 pm - We FINALLY leave the doctor's office. I have cried through most of it. Just was too overwhelming all at once. No time to get groceries. Take Anthony to lunch at McDonalds' and feel guilt over the nutrition issues with that one, but he is super happy.

1:30 pm - Stop by the house to clean the kitchen from breakfast and now lunch from Shaun and the girls, make everyone go potty, grab the coupons I clipped and forgot on the desk, and head to speech therapy. Shaun leaves for work and closes tonight. On the way, I call and get an interview for a job lined up for tomorrow.

2:00pm - Finish the grocery list, and start writing a funny tidbit as the girls look at a magazine I brought for them to keep busy with while we wait for Anthony at speech therapy.

2:45 pm - On the road, forget to stop by the PT clinic (the one we already go to for speech has no openings for PT at this time), turn around and go back, and send all the kids to the bathroom again while I set up the eval for next week.

3:30 pm - Finally get to the grocery store, I have lots of help from the little ones, peeling corn on the cob, throwing tomatoes in the cart and everything on the bread. I end up paying full price for everything because I forgot the damn coupons in the car. The kids do great, except at the end when Anthony gets slap-happy on the girls and they are all running around, fleeing and chasing. I corral them all, pay, and the bagger asks if I need help getting my stuff to the car. I thank her for her offer, let her know i can handle it, and then ask if she could come home and help me there? No go.

5:30pm - Finally get home. I have 9 voicemails and 5 emails, and 3 very hungry children. I then realize how precious they were in the store and ever so helpful, on empty stomachs during snack time and a half an hour past dinner time. I am totally whipped, and we have pizzas. I go to slice them and realize I cooked them with the cardboard still on the bottom.

6:30pm - I muster up some left over energy, and I clean all the bathrooms, vacuum and wash all the floors and do 4 loads of laundry, get the kids to bed, talk to my grandma, my mother-in-law, and dear friend from Iowa. I stay up to make a pasta and vegetable salad (that I pray doesn't suck) and cut fruit for Bella's little family birthday party with my parents and grandparents, and us which is tomorrow night. Can't bake the cake because I didn't buy the ingredients I didn't know we were out of. So I will have to do it in the morning before the little girl I do day care for shows up.

1:20 am - Call it a frickin' day and go to bed.

Gotta laugh - otherwise I'll cry.

Baby Fever...Not what it used to be.

This past weekend our family got to spend time with Shaun's mom, aunt and uncle, cousins and their children. It was a wonderful mix of delightful foods, fishing, games, late nights, laughs, and conversations in between the care of all of our children. There is a total of 10 little ones so far in this next generation, ranging from 1 month to 11 years. The time at the family cabin has changed so much for me.

When my first 2 were little, it was very hard. I always felt like I was so busy with their care that I hardly visited with anyone. I liked being there, but the work to "enjoy some relaxation" was more effort than I think it was worth sometimes and I felt left out a lot. However now, as my children are older, I am blessed with opportunites to do some in-depth visiting, creating connections to other people in the family, and even more fun...watching my children just completely enjoy themselves too. There is still a lot to do with them, but nothing like it used to be.

Now, I get to watch them, and enjoy new babies again. Two of Shaun's cousins have had 4 children between the two of them with their husbands, and I have a whole new appreciation for them and what they are going through. I watch as they look so tired, run around to the different places and activities their little ones want to see and do. I watch them as they need to run off in mid-sentence because they are needed. And I smile. Because I remember doing it myself, and because watching parents, really good parents, tend to their little ones with such dedication and commitment...is just simply, a beautiful thing.

They are so in tuned to their kids, so patient, so aware. Although I think they wish they could finish a conversation, they follow their hearts, and it leads them to help their child experience such things as water, blocks, toads, swimming, boat rides, fish, worms, sleeping in a tent, and stories before bedtime.

I admire them.

They are doing what I remember doing, but I am pretty sure they are "enjoying the relaxation" a little more than I could. Although it never really helped that Shaun was rarely with me back then. I was always glad I went, but I remember feeling more exhausted than refreshed. Shaun did make it for one of the days we were there this past weekend. And it was SOO awesome. Even though they are older, it really is still great when we are both there.

I never thought there would be a day I wouldn't want more babies, but I can say now that our family is complete. We are moving on into new adventures now that they are older and I can honestly say I don't have baby fever anymore. However, watching my own children with these little ones, made me ponder future days. Will my girls have children? What kind of mothers will they be? What kind of men will they marry? And what an incredible uncle Anthony could be. I don't have the desire to have more children myself, but watching my children grow and eventually become parents themselves is a new kind of thought. One I hope happens way down the road of course, but very exciting all the same.

Until then I get to imagine, dream, and appreciate the love I see in them when they tend to these little ones. They are just so careful and delicate with them...so precious.

So here are some pics of my kids with the two youngest in the next generation. J. Parker and Grant.

This is Emma with J.Parker. She was SOO proud. And his mommy was so tender with helping Emma to do this. This is Bella with Grant. She was just loving his snuggles and hugs, and didn't seem to mind it too much when he got a hold of her hair, knowing "that's what babies do".

And this is Anthony, the oldest of the crew, with J. P., the youngest. I know he loves babies, but he seemed to really adore this little one. He asked to hold him so many times, and was so gentle with him, so proud of himself too. I admit I had a twinge of baby fever, for just a second, when I watched his kindness, and was amazed at his clarity and amount of speech when he was holding him.

I don't know what the future holds for any of my kids as far as having children, but I love that I get to witness the compassion and peace that comes over them when they are in the presence of tiny little ones. Babies are such gifts, to people of all ages I guess.

These simple moments, as well as so many others, are reminders for me that I did truly "enjoy the relaxation".

Because as a mom, or a dad, "moments", here and there, might be all you get.